Years ago when I made my first visit to the iridologist, I would never have imagined walking into his offices would one day lead me to South America. But in his way, he helped me define my past or rather face it, and this is why I am here in Ecuador. It was he who explained the abuse began when I was only 2 years old. He said either the abuse was not that serious, or it was so traumatic, I made a safe room in my mind so I would never have to face what happened. My adrenal glands had collapsed, this was the reason for my visit to him, as I tried to understand why I did not have the strength to climb more than 2 stairs at a time.
He explained the strength needed to carry the weight of my burden caused me to become too masculine, it was important for me to remember my feminine self. This burden and the twenty some years of carrying it, was responsible for my adrenal glands collapsing…..it began at the age of 2, something very difficult to imagine. My daughter was just 3 years old at this time, yet she had already endured the abuse I hoped she would never have to face. It seemed our paths were running parallel. What my daughter went through was intentionally done by the same people who changed my name and took me from my family, raped and abused me. What was done to her, meant to remind me I was not free to make my own life, something I would understand better as the years passed.
The memories did not start magically upon hearing my diagnosis, it would be a few years before his words on that day finally made sense. The path I had been walking defined by the family raising me in Canada. I had learned already my identity had been changed, the explanation of which still kept from me, despite my efforts to learn the truth. Back then information was not as easily accessible, we did not have the world web to search as we do now. But we carry the truth in our hearts, our soul knows, it cannot be erased completely. It seemed apparent the truth of my past was desiring an audience, but it was a tangled mess, not easy to unravel. Still I persisted, or rather my fathers spirit persisted, he would not let me forget who I am. So here in Ecuador I am preparing to make the next step of my journey.
A good friend talked me into getting on Facebook, something I really did not want to be part of, had deleted my last account determined never to return. But I swallowed my fear and made the effort. In doing so, I found a connection with SOMA Breath, starting a 7 day experience of breathing. The base chakra exercise reminding me of what the iridologist said almost 30 years ago as it spoke of releasing the masculine energy Of being solely responsible, allowing the feminine energy to be present. How extraordinary to discover the same problem being addressed in a different way, providing the same outcome.
This was when I realized the many attempts over the years to keep the horrible memories in my minds closet, was stopping me from facing the truth of who I am. During my 3 week super isolation, the final week produced the knowledge that the beautiful memories were so closely connected to the bad ones, they all went into the closet together. This prevented me from seeing my own intended future, the abusers winning by default. The aspects of my past dealing with the trauma changing my ability to choose my future. They relied on my fear stopping me from facing the truth, which also protected them. Remembering the beauty of my childhood, the beauty of my own spirit has allowed me to see the path I want to be on. This does not mean I am no longer afraid, but it does mean I will keep facing the fear which allows more of the beauty to be uncovered. In this way I honor my father and his decision to be present, carry me through my fear of living for so many years. If not for his love, I would not have made it.
Truth is often manipulated, disguised and ignored as a way to absolve ourselves of wrong doing or wrong thinking. But the truth is still the truth, it cannot be changed, only acknowledged and respected. We choose what we want to believe, we decide what we want to see, how we want to feel. We can change the outcome by deciding to see the truth.
Once more I am eternally grateful for the way of spirit, the beauty of allowing what is happening to have its place. Acceptance of my situation has opened a door. I am not quite ready to step through that door, but I have time to prepare for what is on the other side. This is an incredible gift……
Categories: Travel Diary Entry