How I spent my Sunday. One of the girls here asked for my help Saturday evening. She wondered if I could do a couple of pictures for her – they were for each of her school subjects.
“How many”? I asked….. “15” she replies
“When do they need to be done”? I ask…… Monday, she says.
Well needless to say that was a tall order. I gave them my stencils so they could create some of their own and I began to work.
I drew 8 in total, but these were the only 2 I finished.
Déjà vu……last year one of the girls living here asked for a picture. Well A PICTURE became 10 and they were all difficult. Images like Che Guevara, the president of Ecuador in the early 1900’s, her face……and on and on.
No matter how much I enjoy drawing, this is stressful for me , this expectation.
I am not a good person. I am not a good artist. I am not really good at anything. But I try each day to do better, accept my mistakes, learn from them and take another step forward. I keep hoping one day it will all click and there will be something which helps me define myself.
I recently put a reply down on someone’s post. I still believe that if we share our experiences, others will be willing to see what we have learnt. But this is how naive I am. Realizing my mistake, I apologized for intruding because I feel she has to work through the anger she expressed. It’s not my place to tell her my view and I knew better. I also felt she wants to be angry, wants someone to fuel that anger, give it a purpose. This I also understand as I have been there too, many times.
Even though I have experienced her way of thinking, and still do on occasion, although not as often, it’s not how I want to think. For the most part, I have the people here to thank for my continued attempts to be a better person. They seem to deal with their troubles graciously. Inside they feel the worry and fear of their situation, but do not let it show very often. I truly admire them for their ability to get through difficult situations. But I have been gifted with the friendship of others who have been instrumental in shining a light on my darker thoughts, so I can see a new perspective. At times it is so subtle, you almost miss it. Other times it is like a strobe light hitting you as you open your eyes from sleep. Being open to the opportunity is what is important. We cannot change the way someone else want to think or feel. It is their path, their choice.
So at first, I was angry they expected so much from me. As the day wore on and I let go of the expectations put on myself, I found joy in what I was doing. I think most of us prefer to offer our help, not be asked. This gives us the ability to control what we feel we are capable of giving. However, living here has taught me to open up that box of constrained feelings, push past my boundaries, giving a little more than I felt capable of. Nope, it’s not easy, but there is a lesson in this process for me. Other people see things in me I am not yet able to accept about myself.
Anger has been a large part of this growth opportunity as it is an expression of my fears. Not outside fears, but inner ones – those wrapped around my inability to see value in myself. The ghosts taking away my freedom still lingering on my shoulders whispering what I felt was the truth for so long. And this is the key really, this acknowledgement, my freedom has been held ransom since I was 2 years old. My freedom is what I am most afraid of obtaining because it will mean I must accept seeing myself differently. The bars of my cage became self made, for many years, providing a strange kind of comfort. Abuse does not need to keep happening, only the fear it might, must be kept alive in order to control someone. This is what encouraged me to keep the bars in place. Not just fear for myself, but for my children.
Breaking patterns, this is the hard work, a daily chore and I know I must be diligent or risk falling back into the darker corners.
We often don’t understand the reasons for the situations we find ourselves in at the time we get there. When my computer crashed, I realized I had to look deeper for why it happened, when it happened, in order to find meaning in my isolation. Great gifts came from doing so, but I realize I am not finished yet, there is more to come. For this reason, I will not publish my book just yet, it is not time.