Upon waking this morning, I was a bit frustrated because I knew I had a very interesting dream, but could not remember any aspect of it. It became mist in my mind. But I was left with this understanding about myself. Maybe it also applies to others, but maybe not. Perhaps it is just a personal awareness.
Yesterday, I spent the day with the daughter of Susi, she is not 100% well because she has a kidney disease. I do not know the details of her illness, but her mother worries about her. Recently Susi took a job which has her visiting the elderly, assisting them, visiting with them, I presume it is similar to our home care workers in North America. She hopes to take a course to further her abilities.
So while she was at work I spent the day with her daughter, doing some energy work with her at the end of the day. Without giving the details, I can just say that because of this experience two things happened for me.
Over the year and a half of living here, and the many many times I have sat here on the step, I never noticed this little gem until yesterday. It brought to mind the idea, we see when we are ready to see. Or hear what we need to hear. It seemed an important gift, given for the time spent with Susi’s daughter, using my skills with a person for the first time in many years. The path of the heart……..
Then this morning, I felt I had a better understanding of myself and the possible reason for Lucas walking away. When a child of 2 is taken violently from her world of love and protection, she becomes locked emotionally in a sort of bubble of her own making. This is her protection against facing the reality of what happens to her. As a child facing so many abusive situations, she should never know, there is not the emotional capacity as yet to deal with them.
As an adult my emotional maturity level remained locked in the bubble because I could not remember what happened to me. So not only were the memories locked away, I prevented my emotions awareness from catching up to my physical person. This meant my ability to face the situations of an adult, on the outside appeared to be something I could handle, on the inside however, a different matter. Inside, I was still a child of 2 or 3 years old, overwhelmed by what I was trying to deal with many times.
When a child is able to grow up in a normal household, face problems which arise as their maturity grows in line with their age, it seems reasonable to assume they are capable of dealing with their problems accordingly. Of course not all children mature the same, so this is a blanket statement made only to make a point about my own lack of maturity due to the abuse. I was a child in many ways, looking at the world through a child’s eyes, something I do even today for the most part. This is what, I suppose, accounts for my childlike innocence, which people claim they are attracted to. And for the most part it has been true, I see things in a very simple and childlike way, believe things can be resolved with a very simple approach. I don’t understand the complicated, round about ways adults deal with their problems.
So I began to see how, my emotionally stunted growth could have been difficult for my children to understand as they passed me by, becoming a more rounded adult than I. My inability to cope with certain situations, beyond their comprehension, perhaps being embarrassed by my behaviour.
As for Lucas, I have this idea he could not face the facts of my past, having watched me tell Part of my story, and then perhaps listening to the sections I sent him. I do not know if he listed to the recordings I sent him, but he was in my presence as I spoke in front of his camera the night before he left. He was pretty tired and I think overwhelmed by his whirl wind trip to Ecuador, Possibly not able to process what he heard at the time. Then shortly after returning home, he lost his job, pretty devastating after spending so much to come here. Dealing with the very traumatic life of his mother was probably best left on the shelf. If he had just explained this to me, I would have understood. Maybe it would not have been easy for me to accept, but it was in the end, what I was forced to deal with, although I would have preferred to keep him in my life.
Knowing that for me, the path has not been clear for the most part, I can now understand why he chose to walk away. I also have renewed hope for his return. The dream of us working together, has an open door waiting for him to walk through.
In many ways I do not see that having the stunted emotional maturity of a child is a bad thing. After all, a child’s innocence is a beautiful thing and perhaps useful. Sometimes, I find it difficult to explain these amazing insights about myself. In my mind there is complete clarity, but as I begin to write them out, the words lose their lightness, it feels as though I am grasping at air when I try to catch them. But as they first formulate, there is complete understanding I am seeing the truth about myself, about how I am and why.
I also feel I am becoming more adult like in my emotions, maybe a bit of a harder edge to my thoughts – the pendulum swinging a bit too far at times. This causes me to be angry with myself, bu I know I have to be kinder and allow the new way of being to have it’s emergence. Strive for balance, this is the way to go, allow the adult to have some say, because she definitely has reason to voice her objections and opinions. Let it out then let it go…….