I began to think of my exodus from South America as beginning a new chapter. It seemed to be fitting as there were several firsts happening, beginning with accepting so much help from people, some I did not even know.
The other day I woke up thinking I was going to being hearing something I was hoping not to. This is a common occurrence with me, this waking up to different feelings, predictions if you like. Later that day I sent a message asking my brother in law about personal belonging left in Canada upon my departure. I was about to find myself on the path leading me to the source of my feeling that morning.
The conversation began with a nephew I didn’t really know, who could not have been nicer to me. He led me to his father who is the brother to Patrick and to Harry, who lives in Ontario. My belongings were left with Harry 2 years ago…..not the original plan, but this is how it turned out.
It was through my nephews father I learned Patrick had been back to Canada last year over the summer and autumn months before returning “South”, wherever that was. Because Patrick likes to burn all bridges before moving on, he had a conflict with his brother in Ontario which led him to move all the belongings left, including mine, to be put in storage. Maybe this does not seem like much of a problem to some, but for me it means I will never get those items back. The most likely scenario is that everything was sold or dumped by whoever owns the storage unit. Once Patrick sold everything of value, he would have stopped paying for the unit without any concern about my things.
What was in there? Pictures of my children, all of my journals, my skin drums, fairy lights and small items from my children I could not part with. It is another heartbreak after so many of late and very much something I hoped not to hear.
Years ago when Patrick and I ended our marriage, he gave notice on the house we were renting together as he had made arrangements to live where he worked. He packed only what he wanted, leaving the rest for me to deal with. The problem was he did not tell me he gave up the house, or that he was leaving, he just left. He packed when I wasn’t home, loading the car so I would not know what he was doing. How did he do this? Well it was really quite simple as he had moved into his office months before, kept the door locked and did not speak to me.
So here I was with a life time of belongings to pack, nowhere to take them and no way to transport them as he had the car. I had 3 weeks to find a place, pack and move while working 6 days a week, split shifts for 4 of them. It was a cruel thing to do, but this is how he is. So based on such experiences with Patrick, I know my belongings have most likely been gone for some time already, probably during the time when I was having strange dreams about him.
Not just a new chapter then. Rather a new book, and if I really want to hazard a guess, I will say a new genre. Absolutely everything connecting me to that man is now gone. No, of course I don’t mind severing my ties with him as he has hurt me so many times in so many ways, I cannot begin to recount anymore. It is that even after 2 years of no contact, millions of miles between us and no desire to reconnect, he still found a way to hurt me once again. It wasn’t enough to just burn the bridge between us, he had to fire a cannonball destroying my house as well. One can only hope he is done now and will leave me to my new life.
As I sit here today, enjoying the warm summer day, lucky enough to share my time with such beautiful women who visit with me each day, I think I am fortunate indeed. The path of the heart is not always easy; the words from my father come to me again as I write this post, knowing I must not let this latest disappointment hold me down. It is important to move on, take another step and believe things will get better. A new book is a good idea. As the old one closes, the cover can be locked and put on a high shelf so the dust will collect on its spine. There is no need to go back there because the good memories are in my heart and will carry me forward. We all have to leave behind something we would rather not and it is never easy. The interwoven threads sometimes cannot be separated, but can we just let the threads connected to positive memories be the ones we focus on? I imagine it takes a bit of practice, but yes it is possible, we are capable of many amazing things.
Tomorrow is a new day, no mistakes. I know I will try to make it a day for positive thoughts, this is after all a new beginning, a new chapter in a new book. I can make it the story of my choosing.