November 21, 2020
I just woke up from my dream about Mali.
The dream followed the same theme as what really happened with one exception. In the dream I went back for her, many details of the dream lost now as they were not really important, only the ending mattered.
I was leaving on a trip and would not be back for some time. As I could not bear to do it myself, I had someone else drop Mali off at the kennel, where she would stay until my return. They explained that she was very sad and unresponsive when they dropped her off which weighed heavy on my mind. There were a few twists and turns in the dream from this point which are mostly forgotten now, but before we left on our journey the following day, I decided to go visit Mali.
I went to the kennel where she was staying. It was more like a fence around the place she stayed which I could not really see. But I called her name and she came down the stairs from a room I had not noticed. Although it had only been one day, she was weak, I could feel her energy and knew she was not doing well. Even so, she came trotting over to me, collapsing in my arms as I reached through the opening in the fence. I was not able to go right inside, but the window like opening gave me enough access to hold her. She rested her head on my shoulder and this was how we remained until I woke. I realized, once I understood this was a dream, or vision, that Mali had just died in my arms.
In the dream, I had not been gone for very long, maybe just one night. It seems that she was delivering a message for me, confirming what I thought may have happened, but was unsure or perhaps unable to accept
There were many days during the last month or so in Ecuador, when I felt Mali was getting weaker, and could be dying. With the exception of her occasional rock sliding game and the daily swims, I felt her energy loss. It is difficult to explain because we were so close and I knew I was faced with the decision of leaving her to return to Canada. The question in my mind being – was I hoping she would die so I did not have to make the impossible choice of leaving her behind? Her reluctance to go outside in the morning, choosing to lay beside me as I drank my coffee, was just one of the reasons to give me pause. The other was her eyes; they did not have the same light in them, the same spark of her normal self. There was a quietness in them with the sparkle missing that I felt rather than saw perhaps.
The moment I picked up a stick though, she became her old self which made me question my thoughts or feelings. I could not trust my intuition about this situation any longer.
I feel this dream was another gift from Spirit, from Mali, letting me know that she was indeed dying during those months. As I held her in the dream, I realized that just the short time I was away from her, was too long because it was my energy keeping her alive. Without my loving presence, she was unable to keep going. As a healer, I have been aware of this energy exchange and it’s importance. It became very apparent to me when Chiripa lost her babies, her dependence on my energy caught me off guard. I had to explain to her that I was withdrawing my energy so she could regain her own strength. I knew I needed to have more focus with Mali.
My fatigue during those last months was an indication of how much energy I had been exchanging with her to keep her alive. The smell emanating from her was the poison ingested the previous year, taking its toll. I was, in reality, healing her enough every day so she could remain with me. When she allowed me to photograph her face during our last week together, I realized she knew what path we were both on. She understood my decision, the beautiful photographs I have, her acknowledgement.
I am grateful for this dream providing me with one last chance to hug her, feel her love and be with her in her last moments, painful as it is to lose her again. I miss her so much. It is still so difficult to accept the loss of such a good companion and friend.
I also realize I miss many details in my daily life, focused as I am on just not falling apart each day. So for the many moments in which I have mini shut downs in order to get through each day I must apologize to those around me. I have been standing on the edge of the abyss for most of my life, Mali kept me from falling into the darkness for so many years. This dream provides me with a new memory, reminding me she is always with me and will continue to hold me back from stepping over the edge. I know she understood the sacrifice she was making by letting me go. She understood it was her time. We both did. Knowing she was alive when I left, thinking of her enjoying her days in Ecuador, gave me the strength to return to Canada. I must make every day count, I must continue to follow my dream and fulfill promises made.
Whenever doubt creeps in, whenever courage seems to evade me, I have only to think of her, think of my father or those who have given me so much here, and I know I must not let go, not yet. There are many who have played a part in my ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is only that Mali and I were the same, we had this deep understanding which provided us with a special kind of peace. I realize as I say this, that has not left me as I feared it would.
