I dreamt of Lucas this morning. Unfortunately, I do not remember as much of the details as I would like, but there is enough to support the theory he did not abandon me. Yes this seems strange even to me, but may be true for all of my children, something I have wondered about since they first turned their backs on me.
I am not left with feelings of great happiness or hope, just peaceful resolution, knowing I was right all along. Just as the barcode incident revealed a certain truth, so too did this dream. I have been ghosted, but perhaps there is purpose far beyond most people’s capabilities to understand. Perhaps, this was the only way for them to help me. And perhaps it was the only way for me to understand my own strength, my own direction in life. When we are so isolated and alone, even in a sea of people, we have the opportunity to discover what we want and it’s importance to our well being. We can either give up, or advance with determination and a more centred focus.
I have not given up, so for me, I realize this situation has caused me to really assess what I want to accomplish. In fact I further self isolated in order to determine the strength of my desire to reach a certain goal. Limited access to my world has been the key to my understanding about self, which I can only hope has been accepted by those I had to gently push away. When a person loses their identity and all that goes with it, especially in such a brutal manner, I believe the only way to reconnect all the shattered pieces, is through isolation. At least after a certain point.
In Ecuador, there was no choice for much of my time, but to be alone. Here, although I interact with many people most days, once I get home the need to “shut the world out” is an essential aspect of keeping my sanity. In order for me to process, the time alone is most beneficial, and therefore most important. The transition between lifestyles, far more difficult than I could have anticipated. Learning to be alone was probably the most important aspect of my journey to South America. In order to continue to honor such a valuable gift, I must continue the ritual of self isolation. I simply am not quite ready to have the kind of friendship requiring so much interaction and expectation. Trust does not come easy because of how I grew up. Being in isolation is something I understand, therefore it is always where I will return to find balance. Coming back here was like finding myself in another century suddenly. I have been confused and disoriented.
The answers always come to me when I allow myself to release the fear attached to expectation.
In my dream this morning, I found myself in a situation where Lucas and I were attending the same function. This place we attended was connected to filmography, reminding me of some kind of trade fair. In all unlikelihood, I managed to find myself in a situation where getting my screenplay filmed, became reality. This was the reason for my attendance to this function. I was looking for solutions to problems related to the hurdles encountered along the way.
I met Lucas’s girlfriend at some point, although at first it was unclear to me if she understood who I was. Thinking about it as I write this, I am sure she must have. In fact there is a sense she made a point of finding me under the guise of general interest, no connection. She never once said anything to confirm her knowledge of me however. She explained who she was with, as though I would not know him. I could feel his presence and my eyes searched the crowd to find him. He was filming me as I talked to her, perhaps she was wearing a microphone to record our conversation. It was a very strange sensation, but I seemed to understand very clearly what was happening and why. We continued our conversation as if I was a stranger, my film idea something she was interested in.
She was telling me Lucas was putting together a documentary about women dealing with cancer, something I would not have expected. This was the last thing I remember upon waking, although there was much more detail relating to our separate journeys bringing us to this point of meeting.
How I feel this morning, is very different than expected. Like the barcode incident, I find a sort of quietness related to what my dream was telling me. To me, this seems similar to what one may feel with regards to a loved one passing, the spirit remaining behind to provide comfort during the transition.
In the past, when such dreams or information would come to me, usually excitement and anticipation followed. Lately, it is more a deeper understanding. To emphasize this point I explain by sharing a line from a show I watched awhile back. It went something like;
“……sometimes you can feel something is coming, and there is nothing you can do to change it. That’s how I felt when my brother came home……”
I understood exactly what he said! There is a sixth sense attached to a series of incidents, to people we meet, or situations we find ourselves in. You just understand you are about to go through something – good or bad, which will impact your life and the direction it takes. The image which comes to mind is that of a rollercoaster. Getting on one for the first time, you aren’t really prepared for the extremes you will face. There is no way to stop the experience, you will either enjoy it or not. Even if you don’t enjoy it, a part of you may want to experience it again. Such is life. This is how we learn who we are deep inside, our strengths and weaknesses, our possibilities.
One such incident, probably the most important one, defining the path which took me to Ecuador, was my experience with the Tree Top Drop. The link to the story previously published on this blog is attached. I remember thinking as I drove to the resort that day, something was about to happen which I would not be comfortable with. The uneasiness felt as I approached my place of work to attend a “team building experience” could not be explained. I didn’t want to go, then I wanted to turn back once I decided to go – the 25 minute drive to the park giving me ample time to chicken out. But I did an override on my feelings of anxiety and found the courage to attend. I believe, without a doubt, what happened on this day, decided my fate to go to Ecuador. It was the first domino to fall…….
I am left this morning with a sense, I must continue on with my self isolation for a time yet, there is more for me to learn about myself. It is a question of perspective, sometimes we have too much input making it difficult to see a clear path. Sometimes we must let the path direct us. This is what my heart is telling me to do, trust the path I am on without judgement……..the dominoes are still falling