In Ecuador they make fence posts out of tree branches. Now of course this can work because first of all trees grow year round there, not like here where there is a period of hibernation. But my point is they make something completely necessary without it costing them anything. They find a way to do what needs doing without the expense as much as possible. In this country we always spend hard earned money to keep buying new necessary things. It’s all about what others will think in the end. For me, I loved the tree fence posts, the uncertainty of them and the uniqueness.
But less is more works for other things as well, as I’m discovering. After having another terrible dream, this morning rather than trying to fall back to sleep, I allowed the dream to talk to me after waking. If dreams are our subconscious working problems out when our minds are in the most relaxed state, then we should not dismiss that which may seem silly at first. Even the craziest dreams can give us the answers we seek, because sometimes we must find those answers in unusual ways. On mornings like these, I can only be grateful to have the time off, staying at home. This is when it occurred to me the importance of seeing less is more.
During the 30 plus years I have known Patrick, life was a continual,struggle to survive. Not necessarily because we didn’t have enough money, mostly because Patrick liked to spend more than he had……always! I was shocked to see how saving was not an issue for me once he was out of my life. He on the other hand continued to put himself in deeper debt, until he had no other choice but to claim bankruptcy or lose everything through repossession. So in the end, the joke was on me because he just dumped all the debt he was supposed to be paying down, on me. Because he is a cruel person by nature, he waited until my plane ticket was bought and my plans basically irreversible, to let me know this is what he had done to me. Thinking I would never return to this country, there was no choice but to let it go. Letting go of my dream to travel to Ecuador in search of answers so important to my well being was not an option. I worked very hard 7 days a week, 3 sometimes 4 jobs, plus selling my artwork at craft tables to earn my right to go. He took responsibility for the debts we incurred because he made at least twice as much money as I did and paid less than $500/month for accommodation at his job site. He had big debt when I met him, paid down by me with my divorce settlement, he was in debt when we split up. Living apart, while I built up my security, he made his increasingly unstable, something which I now see as getting his goat.
My dream this morning emphasized our relationship in a rather humiliating and disturbing way. Most people think abusers are obvious people, their character shown for all to see. Most people think it should be easy to leave an abusive relationship. Most people can’t see until it’s too late they have fallen into such a relationship. My dream this morning reminded me how quickly one can fall back without much effort from them. Triggers. This is how it’s done. People like Patrick learn others weaknesses and use those against them. I believe, through normal conversation, we all learn each other’s weaknesses without really trying. Sometimes it is in the unspoken words, sometimes it is spelled out clearly. Most of us do not collect, correlate and then use such information for their own gain. People like Patrick do. Knowing other people’s weaknesses helps to counter balance his own, which unfortunately gives him an air of superiority.
For example, Patrick was the only person for many years who knew my story. He had all the information needed to trigger me whenever he needed me to be submissive. The silent treatment was his most commonly used weapon, which was very effective because of my time spent in the room. Sometimes it was weeks before he spoke to me and so I often said I felt more alone when he was home than when he was gone. This was his main form of control over me. Knowing how much it tortured me to be unable to talk things through, leaving me with to deal with so much pain in silence, he also manipulated the children’s view of what they saw so he would not be the bad guy in these situations. “Look what your mother puts me through, puts you through”, is how he would play it. Making others believe he sacrificed his freedom to save me, put up with me and do his best to help me. Always it was me who caused the problem and he needed to distance himself from me during those times if he was going to be able to stay and keep our family together. He would have explained to anyone seeing our complicated relationship with something along those lines. He was a master of quick thought, and digging the knife in where it would hurt the most, making it impossible for me to move, scream or ensure someone watching would see the truth. My dream this morning showed me this very graphically.
He also knew better than anyone how much the spider affected me, so in Ecuador, when he realized the silent treatment no longer could be used as a punishment or cause to trigger me, he put the giant spider in my room one day when I was away to drive the final blow home. What abusers never quite figure out, is each time we submit we also get stronger, and when we’re ready we stand on our own, we stand apart and we don’t go back…….ever!
So yes, this whole explanation comes from the dream because it was seeing how he hurt me in the dream which allowed me to understand less is more. This has to do with having more time at home and losing my fear of not having enough money to survive. Seeing how our government has put us all in the exact same vulnerable relationship as I lived in for so many years, has helped me to stand on my own, to stand apart and more importantly, to trust I am better with less so I can have more.
This is the biggest problem among all humans, we strive to gain more, never satisfied with what we have. The grass is always greener…….
I’m not saying it is wrong to want a better life because it is important to fulfill our dreams and aspirations. The problem begins when we want, just to have. When we want because someone else has it. When we don’t care how achieving our goal affects someone else as long as we made it there first. When we lose perspective. When we live for things instead of for each other. The problem is not wanting more, but in never knowing when what you have is enough, not appreciating the value.
Right now in North America, we are learning what it means to not get everything we want, when we want it. We are learning on a grand scale what it is like to be prevented from having what we perceive as a full life because we cannot do whatever we want when we want to. We are also learning to appreciate what we already have. We are learning it is not so easy to just replace things when we change our mind or something breaks. So it is a good thing if we then also start to question the necessity of having so much. Wouldn’t it be better if we all had enough, rather than having the scales tipped so unevenly?
People keep talking about waking up and then there is reference to “the woke”, which seems to be bad, so for me this is confusing. I believe waking up has to do with understanding our desires far outweigh our needs and knowing we have increasingly taken advantage of those less fortunate to ensure we do not join them. I believe waking up means seeing the damage our selfish choices have done. I believe waking up means becoming more humane. I do not believe waking up means seeing the truth about our governments, but rather how we encouraged them because we were too lazy to change ourselves. I believe waking up means taking responsibility for our choices rather than blaming someone else for our problems.
While Patrick is responsible for so many things which hurt me, and then as a result my children, I am responsible for the choices I made which brought me here. Facing those facts is not easy, but blaming Patrick cannot change or undo the damage done. He will have to face the consequences of his actions as will I. Sharing the stories is my way of facing what he did, how it affected me, how the choices made hurt us all, and finally making every effort to not repeat the cycle. Fear was responsible for every situation I felt I could not leave, so blaming myself is not helpful either. Understanding is the key. With understanding we can change, grow and learn to respond differently the next time we are triggered. Or if we can not respond differently, hopefully we can come back to centre faster.
This helps me understand better what the shaman meant. He told me if I don’t like the way people are behaving it is not them, it is me that is the problem. Unfortunately, I suppose because of the communication issue, not just what he said, but why he said it was not clear. Seeing now what he very likely meant was my response to how people behave is what needs to change. We can’t change someone else, but we can change how we react, how we see their behaviour and try to understand why they do what they do. We don’t have to like them, be in their company or let them get under our skin. So his suggestion to just leave was correct, whenever this is possible. Or like the hummingbird, we can turn our colors on and off not having always to be visible or in need of attention. We can choose when we show our vibrancy, or blend into the background.
Most of us do not have enough “silent time”. Working as many hours as possible, understanding we would get to this point of not being able to work, possibly at all, I missed my “silent time”. The months after being forced to quit my job at the thrift store taught me some valuable lessons about trust and faith. Time at home now, not spent with worry about the future, but with gratitude for the opportunity for “silent time” and creativity. Less is more and in the right frame of mind it is magical!
The world has taken many crazy turns, people allowing their government to lead them by the nose because they can’t find their way on their own. This is not said with judgement, but it is the reality. The main newspaper in Denmark is now apologizing for parroting their government on the COVID stupidity causing so much harm to the people by doing so. This is a huge step and one I hope other countries follow suit on. The truckers in North America are protesting South America style, so we better be ready for the shortages (and not just toilet paper) which are inevitable. They are only moving the timeline up by doing what they are doing and I applaud them, every last trucker who is finally taking the bull by the horns. They are doing exactly what I said needed to happen a short time after returning to Canada. This is in fact the very best and really the only way to stop this madness. My prayers are for violence not to be one of the results of taking this important step for freedom.
When those who have sacrificed and given up so much, have taken an injection they never wanted, to save their family for example, find out they never had to, anything can happen. So we must be prepared for the worst and hope for the best, as always. But prepare we must, because it will affect us all in some way, more so than all we have been through so far. This protest will challenge us in different ways, but mostly it will be when the light bulb moment telling us the store shelves will be empty, happens. When businesses have to close because there is nothing to sell, when people have to stay home again to await our illustrious leaders response. The silence has been deafening so far! This is where we were always going to end up, I saw it from the beginning.
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