December 3, 2022
The other day in my post, I stated how I felt this man Dennis whom I have been forced to work with these past 3 months or so, was punishment. This morning, thinking differently, I now see it as a reward. Over these last few days, working with him I have noticed he has begun speaking to me in a different tone of voice, especially yesterday morning. This has helped me, although I will never trust him or why he intentionally came into my life whether he understands his role or not.
I remember last year when I would see him walking down the street towards the store where I used to work, I instinctively wanted to hide from him – a strong fight or flight response was immediate. From the start, the very first time he came into the store last fall, my reaction to him was of great discomfort – this only increased over time. When I found out it was him who was hired at the store where I work now, the extreme panic began to rise, my mind racing to find a way out of what I knew was going to be a very strenuous situation. Being in a rather difficult financial situation forced me to face this discomfort head on knowing at the back of my mind, it was happening for a reason. I had to stay for the income, although I wanted desperately to run. When he called me “princess” I knew this was going to be a rough ride and I felt trapped once more by my past.
The dreams began right away, but I could not remember them even though they were very strong. What was left each morning I had these dreams, was the smell of fear, something not experienced for many years. I came close to quitting so many times, the letter of resignation done since that day he called me princess, but kept finding reasons to stay. This was mostly due to the other people I work with there who are very genuine and loveable.
It is clear to me this morning the face I saw in my vision last week was not Dennis, but was the man responsible for my torture as a child. The resemblance strong enough to make me believe it was actually the man I have to work with now. To realize that for the last year, actually 14 months I have been coming face to face on a regular basis with someone who bears this strong resemblance, has been quite a shock. These past few days have been spent learning to accept what this means. This morning I am more able to see the gift in the experience. My story is true! Every time I look at the man who entered my life of late, I feel the violence, hatred and anger shown me as a child. The smell of fear a clear indication of what I went through because of the man who loved to torture children in particular, which I was being reminded of on so many days this past year and more because of this man Dennis.
How is this a gift? Rather then pushing me back into the hole of my childhood despair, it has helped me climb further out. Also it verifies for me what still cannot be proven, may never be proven. The body, the soul remembers despite our minds best efforts to safely lock away the evidence. As a result, the extreme pain in my neck and shoulders have been reduced to what I normally carry. I have great hope that the pain in my left knee which began the day I went for a walk with Dennis will at last disappear. The walk that day last spring was an attempt to challenge my discomfort about him, wondering if it was possible to be friends. Instead it determined absolutely, not only did I not want to be friends with him, but hoped to never see him again! The sharp pain began the moment I sat down to take off my shoes after our walk. This pain has been so great, it completely stopped me from running, something I have loved and used as a healing tool for many years. It was not lost on me there was a connection to the energy I picked up from this man during this short period of time. The pain has remained, I believe, as a reminder this was a connection to my past in some important way, needing acknowledgement. The first bullet felt by me, to hit my fathers body was in his leg, although I’ve not been able to discover yet if it was his left leg or just above his knee where I feel the pain. Although there is significantly less discomfort these past few days, enabling me to bend down or squat and get back up again without trouble, it has not completely gone. There is a sharpness which I cannot explain, as if the bone is fractured which cannot be possible. It is strange to me that after all these months I could not find the medicine to heal this injury, bringing to mind there is a deeper connection to my past. I know instinctively this is the cornerstone which, when at last understood, will release me from my prison.
There were 2 healers, one just last year, who made reference to the fact I carried significant pain in my left knee, actually both knees, something not affecting me at the time, so we were uncertain as to why. The gift is in the attic, which is my mind – the locked room where I forced all the secrets of my childhood into. They have seeped out bit by bit, the time needed to process in between and over so many years, an indication of the extent of damage done. The woman who does my tuning fork healing sessions told me the last time I saw her a year ago, I would not have to experience the actual memories from my past anymore, only the emotional attachment to those memories. This seemed impossible to me at the time, but I see now how the dreams forgotten over the last few months were those memories being given, then taken away immediately so as not to have to relive them over and over while I processed them. Only the smell of fear was left indicating their was great significance making sure I did not dismiss them as unimportant. To have confirmation this man responsible for the death of everyone I loved, as well as the brutal end of my childhood is real, an amazing gift indeed. Now the question is – how do I go forward from here?
I’m truly not sure if I will ever be able to look at Dennis as someone separate from the man of my past, but there is hope I can at least tolerate his presence. The tone of his voice and his crude manner is what triggers me most, producing great anger. How could it not? The man he so strongly resembles destroyed everything beautiful in my life and he enjoyed doing so. The challenge put forth to me is being able to move past the trigger, the absolute most difficult one to date. Doing so will give me my freedom, so of course this challenge must be accepted.
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