December 6, 2022
After so much time, now having the freedom to choose flight is strange indeed. This morning I decided I was brave enough to look at photos of the man who stole my childhood. Part of me recognizes the need for verification. Understanding this truth can only come from inside due to the very complicated situation, it is my body’s reaction to the photos I must be aware of. What surprised me me was the tears – I did not expect this emotional response. The need to look away or slam the door as I pulled up the first image was very strong. Fight or flight! Then I began to see those who were in pictures during the trial condemning this man for his crimes against humanity taking place in France. One day a few weeks ago as he was grabbing a box from me, Dennis touched my hand lightly. My skin began to burn, not like fire, but more an electrical charge which began to climb up my arm. It was rather painful. This morning I am feeling something similar across my chest into my shoulders, this kind of energy which makes me want to pull my skin off. Different from the happy dancing light in my chest yesterday which came from a place of great love.
To me this is recognition of the energy this man, just from photos taken from the 1950’s to his trial in 1987 still able to affect me on an energetic level which is astounding really. But the body remembers, the soul remembers. There is one picture in particular where he is standing in front of a counter, his body posture exactly the same as the way I have seen Dennis stand when at the computer or at the makeshift counter where we receive the truck each week. The first time I saw him stand this way, something stirred inside me, making it impossible from that day forward to actually look this man in the face. I simply cannot look at him. When I saw this picture today of Klaus, the tears began. This was the man who took everything beautiful from my life. Where I felt a deep measure of relief and peace from this recent discovery the last few days, there is now room for the rather deep sadness to emerge and be recognized. The healing process has begun for the terrors experienced during my childhood. What I keep questioning though is who is Dennis. Does his remarkable resemblance mean something more significant than pure chance? Is he here because he is somehow connected to the man from my past? Does his friendship with someone I called friend at one time have significance as well? There is still more information coming I assume, because his presence in my life so soon after my return to Canada has importance.
December 8, 2022
The situation yesterday at work intensified because of my inability to be in close proximity with Dennis while receiving the truck. My hope by understanding who he represents would make things easier unfortunately made things worse. The boss was very angry with me, because I did not help unload the truck, surprising since I have unloaded the truck on more than one occasion with bigger loads on my own. Although our conversation took place over the phone, the intensity of his anger was felt none the less. Over the next few minutes with astounding clarity, I made my choice to quit. My letter of resignation typed and printed at supper break (I was meant to do the later shift for Christmas hours). At 6:00 after the other employees left I was taken to the back and informed they accepted my resignation, but I had to leave right away, not come back, although I said I would stay til the end of the month. Telling me they would cover my hours, but felt it was in my best interest to leave right away. They have no idea what my best interests are, not seeing how by making this choice they were enabling Dennis and taking away my confidence and power to resolve this situation on my own terms. The choice was made for their best interests, not thinking about how this would create more strain between the other ladies who did not want me to quit, especially because of this man who they understood caused me so much stress. My boss’s wife said if I needed to talk to her husband to please call him. I said there was no need as you had made your choice. In a tone which expressed significant controlled anger she said “no you made your choice Gabriel”! I replied, “yes, but you also made your choice to accept my resignation”. She looked down, I felt with sudden clarification they did not have to accept my decision, that there was a different way. Yet her relief was obvious as she all but pushed me out the door. This made me wonder if my presence in the store has always made her so uncomfortable. It was a humiliating experience, one I’m still doing my best to get past, return to centre.
I know it was the right choice, Dennis was never going to quit and things were not going to improve. He put me in a situation which meant this was the only way to remove him from my life. He cannot follow me anymore, so it is my accomplishment to have been able to have enough trust to put myself back in an unstable financial situation. He now will have the burden of proving his worth, that he was the right choice for them to make by letting me go, if he stays that is. Time will tell.
Already, the fatigue from carrying the extra stress has lifted a great deal. Now to undo the damage of the last day, the consequences of working for owners who care only about the bottom line and how it may affect their comfort. They in turn will face the consequences of their choices as it will affect their business. I am not speaking of what happened to me specifically, but in general – their heart is just not in it, they don’t want to be here. What happened yesterday was just one of the symptoms.
Flying free means taking a risk such as this in order to accept whatever may come from doing so. The shock of being shoved out the door as if it was my fault Dennis came into my life, will wear off in a short time, the benefit of choosing this way more obvious as the hours pass by.
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