December 14, 2022
It is coming to the end of a rather difficult year, with many changes occurring on a personal level. The uncertainty in everyone’s lives put aside for the short time before Christmas in an attempt to see the world as we wish it could go back to. At least for some. For others, like me, Christmas has always been a difficult time for reasons I am unsure of yet, perhaps this year Spirit will choose to offer the gift of remembrance.
So many things have happened over the last months, wrapping up with once more having to quit my job in order to feel safe, something I have had to do several times since returning to Canada. One should never have to quit, especially in this day and age, in order to feel safe at their place of employment. The government promotions tell us we have options, yet when dealing with bullies, who have the great capacity to lie, manipulate and deceive, those of us who are honest find that avenue closed and barricaded. Although, now that several days have past by, I can truly feel the joy of not having to deal with Dennis and all he represents, I must still express my great sorrow at how his arrival in my life forced me to to make a change which would not have been necessary otherwise. This morning though there is this beautiful understanding it is just a circle within a circle, so many for me intertwined to create the spiderweb holding me in my prison. It is he who is entrapped now, my steps took me out of that circle he wished to hold me in. In this life, he will not escape the confines of his own making, and he can’t follow me anymore.
Over the past few days, my thoughts have been about this situation and just what it means for me, as the job I love is not on stable ground. Reminders all around me, comments made by other business owners, all indicate, the ground is quite unstable for everyone. Our governments have ensured this would happen over the past few years creating a false pandemic, shutting us down when there was no need, thus creating fear taking away hope. This is where we are all supposed to be – now to choose how we respond with each new disruption. None of us are secure, not even the elite who set this up. It is time for a new circle, a new revolution of the wheel we have all been walking in.
When Patrick left me in Ecuador, or more accurately when I refused to play the games which kept him in my life, it was a picture of me leaving a big circle of entrapment. Bound by the walls of punishment/reward made it difficult to do so, my false impression of needing him despite how badly he treated me, held me back. My work situation which also held me prisoner the day Dennis arrived on the job, was a new circle which I involuntarily stepped into due to familiar patterns. It is the pattern which causes one to repeat the circle, which must be altered. We have to see there is a different way to look at the same problem. Think differently, change your life. Sometimes we have to give up what we think we need in order to achieve what we really want.
The year 1963, an exceptional year of change, one which would alter the direction my life took, marking the path they forced me to walk on until now.
The elephant has helped me remember once more. Even the small mouse coming into my home for short intervals has helped me remember the year my life took such a dramatic turn. This past week has taught me just how much they put me through, so many triggers emerging since I was forced to quit my job just a week ago. The dreams once more invading my sleep, only this time there is not the smell of fear attached to them. It is great sadness instead, which I attribute to my mind beginning to accept what my body already knows.
With any story, if you only look at one side of it, one can easily get lost in the idea your side is the most important. It is therefore my need to clarify; it was not just the loss of income, nor the feeling I had lost the fight for my rights…..again, but more the realization I meant so little to those who employed me. They pushed me out the door, not even one concern about what it meant to do so just before Christmas. To not even ask why I was so concerned about being alone in the warehouse with Dennis, was the most difficult aspect of this situation. However, today I see, like a faceted stone, they each have their reasons for the situation we all found ourselves in. My story is not important to them, nor do their reasons for choices made change the affect it all had on me. It is important then to look to the future and trust the decision I made, leave them to deal with theirs which no longer have anything to do with me.
December 18, 2022
This morning after several dreams, of which I cannot remember enough to write about, again I woke up needing a good cry. Whatever happened in my Dreamtime reminded me of different times in my childhood and teen years where I was made to feel everything was my fault. The lack of love, comfort and compassion overwhelming to me today. This morning I was suicidal, on the brink of complete personal failure, needing to give up. It has been so many years since I felt this way, to not acknowledge how closely tied my experience with my former employer would be stupid! The way this whole scenario has played out, the utter helplessness felt because of this man Dennis, brought me to my knees today. He cannot be solely held responsible however, but it did trigger an avalanche. Timing is everything, so there is no doubt in my mind this coinciding with the newly released documents with respect to the assassination of JFK on the 15th old December, has great relevance. Although they are still hiding a considerable amount of information, which seems to be connected to the CIA and it’s possible evolvement, there was information confirming Lee Harvey Oswald did have connections to the CIA, Cuba and Russia. It was the Cuba/CIA possibility which triggered me. Somehow reading about this new development gave insight to why the only picture I have of myself before school, was taken in September 1963 – the same image on the cover of my book. My prayer asking for understanding why Christmas has been so sad and difficult to be part of, seems to have been answered.
The spider event causing the scar on my cheek, 1963, just prior to this photo being taken,
The picture was taken September 1963,
JFK died November, 1963,
My third birthday November, 1963,
The airport good-bye with my mother most reasonably occurred at Christmas, 1963.
Quite a traumatic year! This was yesterday mornings realizations, disrupting my whole day. There was the sense I was walking with my one foot on the ground, the other elevated to an uncomfortable height. I just could not gain my balance, this great sadness hanging over me, threatening to overwhelm me several times during the day. I wanted to scream, collapse on the floor and just completely stop trying to live. The impact of realizing the significance of my airport goodbye finally striking me in the heart. This was the day my mother handed me over to my torturers, unable to fight back herself, protect me, save me. All of this connected to the death of her husband – they won! This was to set a pattern for the rest of my life, this idea of never being able to win against this invisible foe. Not a single person to lash out at, rather a government organization, protected by laws which did not apply to me, the victim.
When I was old enough and before the dreams began, it was easy to hold Helen (my adoptive mother) responsible for my great unhappiness – she clearly hated me and seemed to enjoy tormenting me. There has been a long list of people who could be held accountable since Helen, the last one in line to date is Dennis. Focusing on my puzzle this morning, the only thing which seemed capable of holding my attention for more than a few seconds allowed me to slowly climb up the safety rope, retreating from the dark hole. Overwhelmed with sadness this morning, nothing seemed strong enough a pull to help me return to the living. Obsessed with this man who so thoughtlessly pushed his way into my life, I began at last to see a solution.
The idea, if just 10 people went into the store I used to work at and refused service from Dennis, asking him to find someone else to serve them, would eventually create a problem for him. Such a simple thing really, if an abuser or bully is never challenged, he will keep on doing what makes him feel stronger. If through this method those who care about me would now in effect intimidate him, make him uncertain about himself, then it would be a victory. What came to light through the process of inner debate, was knowing this was unnecessary. Thinking this way meant I was in victim mode, the victim needs to blame, needs retaliation, however blaming keeps the circle going. The inner dialogue began to help me understand thinking this way meant I did not trust in the process bringing me back to myself. It meant I did not trust the path I walk is now separate from his path, the decisions he’s made laying the groundwork for the upcoming lessons he needs to learn. Blaming, needing to feel justice has been served by my hand, keeps me tied to him, something I absolutely do not want.
Although I held my birth mother responsible for what happened to me for a long time, seeing her as the one who handed me over to the enemy, today I know absolutely I cannot keep thinking this way. It is inconceivable to me what my mother went through, they killed her husband while he was sitting next to her. They planned on killing her as well. Did they threaten to kill her children also? What terrors she must have been facing during this time when she gave me up, so no, blaming her serves no one, especially me. Gratitude, this is the way out of this dilemma, knowing I have had the strength to get this far, seeing the beauty in every little thing – this is how I will find freedom from my past. Trust, not blame will see me through to the other side.
December 19, 2022
The picture of me holds secrets if you are willing to look closer, just as looking into someone’s eyes as they tell you everything’s fine may tell a different story than their words. We tend to overlook many things so as not to get too involved. Much easier to ignore what we may feel incapable of dealing with ourselves. The other day someone expressed to me their amazement that I have not become bitter, acknowledging how I was blessed with a very great strength in order to deal with all of this. Perhaps because my focus is on solving the mysteries rather than who the players are and what they did. The why and the how seem far more important somehow. Could this be why I have not become angry and bitter. I do confess to having many angry, frustrated moments which threaten to overwhelm me, but overall, my focus is on remaining happy at least on the outside.
This picture of me, if you look closely tells us it was not taken in this field. My one foot is missing to begin with seemingly covered by grass which does not cover my left foot at all. The shadows behind me are totally different from those my own body throws – which are none. I do not have a shadow. There seems to be an indent on the back of my dress as if I was leaning against something, which again does not fit the landscape. What can’t be seen without putting this photo into the computer and enlarging, is the scar which is fresh on my face from the spider I was forced to deal with in the room. Also what is very obvious is how afraid I am, something else which may be overlooked at a quick glance. Patrick was a photographer, he did scan this photo and enlarge it to see the details on my face. The missing foot led to realizing I had no shadow, etc. which then encouraged us to look closer. I conclude when one is looking for answers, the details so easily missed at first tend to jump out at you. Those not concerned with understanding the story would not give this picture a second thought. Because it was all I had left from that period of my life, it became my biggest and most important clue, something I held onto all this time as I tried to understand the deeper meaning of why it was so important. Once again I am struck by how our mind blocks what we are not ready to see.
Dennis, whether he understood it or not, played a very important role in this recent discovery. He brought to the forefront the period of time when my life changed with irreparable damage! My need to understand why he was brought into my life became more important especially due to the season upon us which had such great significance to me. Over the last week, with dreams once more coming into and out of my mind as I slept, has provided what I feel is the answer for this picture remaining in my possession. I have clung to it as if it was a life raft, not ready until now to really understand what it meant to have it.
What I see now, is this photo was possibly taken the day my mother said good-by to me. My memory of the airport scene has me also wearing a pale yellow sweater, not holding the doll. I believe this picture was taken just before she put my sweater on and then we went outside to say good-bye on the tarmac. The scar was fresh because my time in the room was also meant to threaten her into compliance – she was forced to give me up. Her understanding however, was I would be sent to the family (Phypers, in Canada), not to be harmed again. Obviously they did not keep their word, the question remains, did she know this? I strongly believe she did not, her actions meant to protect me. I am reminded of a similar situation with my own daughter when as a 3 year old she was sexually assaulted by her father and adopted grandfather. The law was clearly on their side as they had the finances to buy their way out. The threat to her was also a threat to me, meant to have me comply. In the end my determination to learn the truth meant I paid the ultimate price – it cost me my children.
It was also a grave reminder of the control they had over my life, continue to have. Still I persevere – Dennis was a reminder they shadow me always. This morning I cried for my mother, what she endured, wishing with all my heart she was here so I could hold her, tell her I understand and that I love her. The deplorable actions of those in power, so afraid of what my parents represented, what I represented and understanding I can still shine light on their deeds, seems to give them the upper hand. But I have the light on my side, I will keep fighting for my right to exist, the right of my parents to be exactly that, my parents. They were not after power, only a just, fair and free world – Camelot! It was their love for me which continues to give me the strength needed to fight back without bitterness or hate. Frustration my voice is still not heard, anxiety knowing they continue to keep adding salt to the wounds and sadness for all we as a family lost, yes, I do feel those things daily.
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