A String of Beads

April 5, 2023

Moving day has come and gone. It was a difficult day as there was a snow storm which arrived Sunday morning early. It was a wet snow, the kind which turns to ice immediately with each foot step. The stairs were a definite concern, a bit dangerous at the best of times, the wet snow making them difficult. We formed a small chain for the most part so that no one was going up and down as much. I stayed in more than out bringing all the boxes to the door so the floor did not get wet and slippery. It went surprisingly well thanks to the beautiful willing and non complaining friends who lent a hand. Despite the cold and wet, we all, soldered on until it was finished.

To my very great surprise two of the ladies stayed to help me sort the boxes, bring some order to the mess which threatened to overwhelm me. This has never happened to me before, this willingness to stay and help. I have almost 30 moves in my adult years which does not include the 2 years living in a tent on the road, nor the 2 years in Ecuador. Although I packed everything up and organized it all on my own before the big day, which has always been the way, this is the first time anyone has helped me with the disaster faced once everything has been dropped off.

The house became my home by the end of the evening as all my artwork was hung on the wall. Everything else is just inconsequential, but it became functional by early Wednesday morning – all boxes emptied, my art room set up, the kitchen and bathroom as good as they can be without further shelving brought in. As I sat in my chair in the quiet just before going to bed Tuesday night, the sensation was one of disconnect. I would say to a friend who asked, ”I felt like I was in a hotel room, this would not be my home. It has all my things placed, but I won’t be staying here for long. It felt strange to think this way, I don’t think I have ever felt this way with the many moves to many different types of houses. By Friday afternoon, I was being told by the owners, they had decided to sell the house in order to get a bigger home for themselves, possibly needing to sell both their properties. I accepted the offer to rent with the understanding this was not going to happen, so it was quite a disappointment. They had been dishonest by leading me to understand they chose to rent to me rather than sell. Still I was calm, recognizing my inability to feel a long term situation, my higher self acknowledging there was another step to come on this new path of freedom. Leaving the cocoon was the most important step, so where do I go from here?

April 8, 2023

Found this song, which never would have happened, nor would it have had the same depth of meaning, had it not been attached to a video honouring Che. The lyrics were mostly background noise at first, seeing the images fade in and out just as they had in my dream so many years past. It was during those moments of watching such a film of the many captured moments of my fathers life long ago, one photo stayed on the screen long enough for me to clearly identify him years later. At the time I did not realize who he was in name, only had recognition of his face and the emotional response attached.

While watching this video a calmness came over me, the tears softly falling as my attention slowly shifted to the words being sung. My first reaction was one of confusion as the words were not in honour of my father. This made me shift out of memory lane into confusion as I tried to understand why this song would be attached as a tribute to Che. Typically songs connected to similar videos reference him, one in particular was written for him. They are always sung in Spanish. This song is in English, and not about him. It was when I heard the song without looking at the stream of images, I realized these words were more of a message from him rather than for him. This realization hit me like a slap to the face waking me from my stupor, but has since enveloped me.

The song seems to have been chosen as a message because what is most surprising, the video was made by his oldest daughter Aleida. While most may not appreciate the significance, I do. English was not acknowledged by my father – to my understanding, he refused to learn the language favoured by North Americans. His daughter would completely understand creating a video to honor him should not be done with English lyrics. At least that is my opinion. Actually, with this thought in mind, I am surprised Aleida would put a video together at all. She once travelled the world in an attempt to stop the sales of any memorabilia with the image and or sayings of her father on them. Understanding her father would not appreciate the commercial fallout from his life, his death, she made great effort to put a stop to it, but to no avail. She was in Ecuador while on this journey, staying not far from where I was living.
This song, this video, being produced, feels to me an acknowledgement of my existence, a concerted effort to find me. It’s telling me……it’s time to go home…..

It was last summer I began to feel the shift, the Spirits guiding me to prepare for a move. This was something I could not accept, so I kept saying no, I’m comfortable here, I feel safe here and I don’t want to move. Then Camilo Guevara passed away suddenly the end of August, which unsettled me. After dreaming about him, knowing papa brought him to me, I prayed he would find a way to communicate his discovery of me to his family in Cuba. My life has taken so many strange twists and turns, this did not seem unattainable in my mind. While in Ecuador, I dreamt Camilo and his brother Ernesto came to find me, so there was great disappointment with realization this could no longer happen in the way it had been shown to me, yet hope remains, by some miracle I will find my way back home, to family. Hearing this song has created this incredible sensation of calm acceptance this will happen. It is not excitement I feel, rather a deep quietness within which feels like truth, like home, like familiarity, like love and all the uncertainty which accompanies something so long sought after.