October 16, 2023
My journey began yesterday at 10:00 when my friend picked me up to drive me to Medicine Hat. She brought me to the store where our friend Sherry met us and we had a short visit. Kathy left us to spend the day together while she returned home to her family.
I did not expect to be able to spend the whole day with Sherry, but it was just a wonderful surprise to do so. She had shown both Kathy and I her new studio location as she strikes out on her own which I feel will be a very successful endeavour. After Kathy left Sherry and I went for lunch before returning to the store to begin packing up her sound bath equipment. It took us about an hour and a half to get it all in the vehicles with her husband helping us. It is an amazing amount of work to pack up the heavy gongs, singing bowls, gravity chairs, and gong stands. Quite a bit of heavy lifting and organizing to get it all to fit into the truck and car, but I really enjoyed being part of the process. It was the absolute perfect way for me to spend the day so I did not dwell and worry about my upcoming travel day which is over 30 hours. I was given the opportunity to experience one of Sherry’s sound baths in the dome out in the country, which was a wish come true. It seemed such a beautiful send off for this journey into the unknown, helping me greatly. There were 15 of us altogether and I was also fortunate to meet up with another friend who I have not seen in quite some time. It was exciting to see her and have a short visit. She promised to come see my art show which means we can have another visit then.
Once the sun goes down, the dome becomes quite cold, so propane heaters are provided, however after several attempts at starting them and failing, we did without them. We had plenty of blankets which we also transported, so for the most part everyone was ok. I held my hummingbird stone under my hand against my chest and just let my mind work out all the uncertainties of the journey ahead of me. A wonderful thing began to happen which became very comforting as I was getting cold during the last 20 minutes or so of the sound bath. Heat began radiating from the stone becoming quite intense but not uncomfortable. It felt as though I had a heating pad there, sending warmth throughout my upper body which of course removed me from the discomfort of the cold. While we listened, the coyotes began to sing, at first in the distance. Then they moved closer, then closer again until it seemed they might join us surrounding the dome. In truth I would have loved for that to happen, in my mind calling them to do so. Another blessing, that of the trickster which is a good representation of this trip. The unexpected, this is what I must be prepared for and because I seemed incapable of reserving the necessary tickets for the main purpose of going, I accepted over a week ago, I must let go of expectations completely – the way will be shown once I arrive. For me to trust in this way is very discomforting, but it must be this way or my plans would have been confirmed.
I didn’t want to come out from under the beautiful heat created under my blankets to be in the cold of the dome once the sound bath ended, but of course I had to. I put the stone in my pocket, got up and began folding the blankets as we prepared to load everything back up. After about five minutes while having a final conversation with my friend Pauline, I put my hands in my pocket and grabbed my stone. I was surprised to find it was still quite hot, as usually, especially with the outside temperature, it would have been cold to the touch. No matter how much I hold it, it has never radiated so much heat in the past. It was such a beautiful realization to understand how the power of our body’s energy and its capabilities to help us when asked for.
So as I write this and get ready to go out and have a small breakfast before the shuttle arrives, I think about how fortunate I am to be here at all. Without the help of one person in particular, I would not have the means to take this trip to attempt receiving closure. I was sinking into a bad depression as the season changed, facing another winter, then a new year without the means to make plans for this very journey. Every year it seems further and further from my grasp, so to have the very sudden opportunity to go, moving very quickly over a 2 week period, I am in awe of how Spirit guides our path providing opportunities which we can accept or not. Despite my concerns of possibly never being able to repay this persons kindness and generosity, I knew this was a gift I could not reject, simply because I had been praying for months for the help needed to face this ghost of my past and get closure. We may not receive the help in the way we think is best, but this is the challenge, to see that we do not have to control the details, just accept the unexpected which will aid us on our path home.
From here, I will take the shuttle to Calgary airport, then wait for my first flight arriving in Los Angeles. Unfortunately there is a 15 hour layover at that airport, then an 8 hour flight to Peru. From there it is a short layover and a hop, skip and jump into Bolivia, arriving at 4:00 in the morning. They are two hours ahead of us, so it would be 2:00am here. From there I am stepping into the great unknown, with only hope as my companion as I seek possibility of closure regarding my father. I know once I am there what I feel from the environment, the people, just as I did in Ecuador, will confirm or deny my story. It is a long way to go, but how can I experience the connection here in maple creek Saskatchewan.
Deciding something in your mind is quite different then actually doing it, at least for something as important as this. As I sat eating my complimentary breakfast alone, I realized I was doing something totally out of character. I do not believe before today, I have ever gone into a restaurant or even a coffee shop to eat alone in the years of living in Canada. So I’m sitting here, suddenly realizing I’ve grown up a bit, enough to face this fear of being alone in a setting of couples and families enjoying a meal together. So perhaps it is being so completely aware of how isolated I am in my life when in a situation such as this, which prevents me from doing it. Knowing that everyone can see I am alone in this world, not just for a coffee or meal, I’m truly alone in a way others cannot comprehend. Everyone I know has someone. Despite the friendships I’ve allowed myself to make, for the majority of my time, I am alone, isolated by my story and my trauma. Accepting this may never change has made it that much more difficult.
It feels to me as though this trip will change my life, just as Ecuador changed me by confirming South America was more home to me than the country I lived my whole life in. Confidence grew out of knowing I made the journey without having a clue how I would make my life work there. There were some expectations of course, but not with regards to actually living there. My expectations revolved around what I believed sharing my story would do for me. Success in a way I had never known before seemed imminent. Yet it turned out to be the opposite. My determination to not need proof to be heard has changed over the last few months – whether I ever get such proof is the big question. But just taking this giant leap towards being feet on the ground where my father died, had his last gun battle, his last meal, spoke his last words is bound to have an impact. Where that takes me is anyone’s guess, but I know it will change me internally for the rest of my life. He has been calling me there and even today I wonder if I’m strong enough to face this emotional roller coaster ride.
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