October 21, 2023
This is my birthday, at least according to the family who raised me – something accepted because I did not know any better.
Rather than hide in the hotel, which after such an emotional experience yesterday, would have been very easy to do, I opted for walking the streets to look for a comfortable place to have a light meal. I found a small Juan Valdez cafe which seemed to pull me in and because of the friendly young men at the counter, I was glad to have made this choice. The one young man at the counter spoke some English which made it easier to place an order. As I waited for my pastries, I reflected on the beauty of having so many kind people in my life. It seems wherever I go I am met with beautiful people who I’m able to have meaningful conversations with. For one who chose to hide most of her life, this is quite fascinating.
Yesterday while enjoying a visit with Fernando and his parents, his father asked when I will retire. I explained I will die with my boots on because I have nothing. Living day to day without much for savings does not allow for comfort in this situation. Before taking this trip my worries we’re much greater. My fear was believing I would never be able to save enough to both cover me for a short time if I had any reason where I was unable to work, plus afford to come here. Although my situation will remain when I return, because of the help received for this trip, there is really no longer any reason to be concerned. By this I mean that not being able to save enough for this trip, knowing it could take several more years the way it was going, had me more worried about my income and expenses – gratefully I can now let go of this worry.
Today I am wondering if my ability to accomplish more failure than success throughout my life could be in part from experiencing my fathers emotions at the end of his life. The unfortunate aspect of being an empath and not understanding how we are affected by absorbing someone else’s emotions, means we believe them to be our own. So I may very well have felt his perceived failure as if it was mine, especially if he died with those feelings, then lived my life as though this was how it would always be because I was the failure, not him. I have felt since seeing all the information regarding his time in Bolivia, a part of him understood from the beginning he would not make it out alive.
The Phypers (my adoptive family in Canada) would have also encouraged me to believe I was a failure along with being ugly and stupid. Without guidance from someone who understood what was happening to me and could help me let it go, it became part of the heavy burden I carried for so long. Perhaps now as more and more time passes and I am separated from the emotional burden of his death, my need to remain comfortable in his sphere will disappear as well. The key is to now remember him without being attached to his death and everything belonging in that package.
What he could not know in those last moments was the amount of success which was granted through his death – how many were inspired to continue the fight elsewhere. His spirit continues to live on.
Yesterday while on the road to the school, we went through a village which felt so heavy, I could feel there was no hope there. Walking the streets here has much the same feel, only perhaps not as intense. There are many homeless which one almost expects in a third world country, but to know we have the same issue growing bigger every day in Canada where there should be no one going homeless or hungry is indication to me of what my father was fighting against. While he inspires hope still, the truth is the giant monster he fought back then won and continues to spread its poison throughout our world because the truth about me and so many other tragedies are kept hidden.
At least part of the message from this experience is, I should focus neither on success nor failure, rather just concentrate on living with an open heart and help those I can, accepting my inability at this time to do more. I told Fernando yesterday that if I had my mothers millions, I would give it away, helping as many as I could because I care nothing for money. Helping would be a good reason to receive what should have been given to me which is another reason for my disappointment as I am unable to share my story. If the truth came out would I receive this money to do as I wish? Or would they silence me so as not to have to give me my share of her money and therefore illuminate the embarrassment of her indiscretion as well?
Yes, my story is not so complicated from the perspective of who my father was, more so because of my mother. She would never admit to what happened, but if she had kept some semblance of interest in me, she would have known I needed her help. This much she should have done for me, but she did not or could not accept responsibility for me because of what it would have meant for her reputation. The Phypers took advantage of her absence in order to continue living in the way they became accustomed to because of me – yet they (especially Helen) continued to hate my very presence.
“Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive……”
Walking the streets, on my way to having my meal for the day, I passed those selling their wares on the sidewalk hoping for food money. Maybe it is deception, but my feeling is, it is a truth we normally turn away from. I was successful in passing several without spending any money, keeping my eyes away from theirs as I know I cannot help as many as need it. One young man would not let me get by so easily. He had shoulder length wavy brown hair, soft brown eyes reminding me of papá and spoke some English, there was desperation in his voice so I could not turn away once I looked into his eyes. He was quietly pleading with me to help him by buying one of his creations. Despite my own discomfort about not having enough and because I have known some desperation myself there was no way I could turn him down. The first choice of his which he showed me, was what I bought. He asked for $200Bs which is about $30.00 US. His wife, holding their small baby, grabbed his arm when she thought I would say no and told him for me it would be $100Bs. I said no I will give you the $200Bs and accepted the necklace which was the tree of life with an agate stone for the trunk. This brought back the memory of my first dream about papá when he gave me the tree of life after stabbing me in the heart with the crystal needle in order to open my heart to the past and my memories. Could there have been anything more appropriate on this day, following my experience yesterday?
Once more to me, it was indication of the power of my messages from papá – it was a sign to be taken seriously. Such a small thing, but my acceptance and my willingness to pay the full amount asked, gave them hope.
His wife was so grateful, her smile as wide as the ocean which I see now is far more important than my worry about having enough. I am not yet on the street selling my wares for a fraction of their value in order to have a meal. Each day dependant on the kindness of a stranger. I sit here with a coffee and a light meal in the comfort of a cafe, my worries are small by comparison.
So I will continue on my adventure now, I promised to buy a cake for the staff to share at the hotel in honor of my birthday. They know because I had to present my passport to them upon registering. They have been kind and the help they gave me provided such an important gift to me through Fernando. Because of them I was able to find home. So yes it seems appropriate to share some of my good fortune small as it may seem, with them.
The streets are not as friendly here as they were in Ecuador, however recovery is slow from the political upset in 2020. It’s not that I’m afraid, but definitely more cautious than I was in Ecuador. My plan to sit for awhile in the park was sidelined out of the discomfort felt. I was given a warning when leaving the hotel by a young man who was helping me with directions, as he spoke some English. He told me to be careful with my belongings as there are many homeless and if they recognize I’m a foreigner they could follow me. I read before I left that single women are targeted, held for ransom, which at first concerned me. However, I know I’ll be ok. Still one must not ignore the true threat people face here which causes some to act irrationally and possibly with violence. My inner voice guides me as always.
When I left the coffee shop, I continued on my way to look at the small kiosks with local goods. Without intending to spend any more because I had already bought the tree of life necklace, I could not help myself and purchased a new heart pendant. I was just about to walk away when I felt the need to look in its direction. Just a small blue heart, one of a kind, which sparkled. I was drawn to it because of the little lights inside. The woman told me the stone was called estrella de lluvia (rain star) and so it was decided this would be my new path of the heart, no hole to escape into, a whole heart filled with the light of the stars. It seemed to represent a new beginning filled with hope.
Back on the street, I bought a coconut water and realized I no longer felt concern about being in the park and made my way over there to enjoy my drink and see all the pigeons (hundreds). As I sat there, I was approached by a young student wondering if she could ask me some questions for an assignment – she was in university and probably studying tourism, based on the questions she asked. We stumbled through it, joined by a young man who spoke a little english. We each took a picture and they went on their way. Then a woman began singing not far from where I was sitting, so I took some video because she had a lovely strong voice. Unfortunately I thought I pressed record right away, but did not, so missed some of the song which ended abruptly when her sound cut out. Still I did get part of it to share.
The young students were Ariana Stephane and Angel Junior.
All in all it was a pleasant day, very warm here with the humidity which has given me a taste of summer once more. The humidity has made my hair soft again – I have missed the boost the humid air gives my skin and hair. Our dry weather really is hard on such things. So as I write this I can’t help but wonder what can happen tomorrow as I venture out……
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