I know what happens to those who suffer because of men like the T-man who’s behaviour can clearly be seen in his wife, children and those who work with him…..because I’m one of them.
Men like that leave behind, without accountability, the horrors that live in my head and the inability to accept the reality. For me those horrors became fractured pieces that flew out to the 4 winds where I didn’t have to look at them anymore. Unfortunately this does not mean I don’t face the consequences which cause reaction.
Some memories came back…..they were necessary because of how they were attached to the beautiful memories of my parents, my father in particular.
There is no one to punish for me.
There is no reconciliation by bringing them to face justice for me.
There is no understanding of the monsters living in their heads which caused them to hurt me, because they have so much hate and fear inside them.
They left behind unseen damage in the mind of a little girl who became a woman who found a way to close herself off from overwhelming pain and sorrow, yet still live with the gossamer threads tying her to events for the rest of her life.
I do live daily with the residual of such evil, remembered in my body if not in my mind. I want to scream and run away when I’m hit with a trigger, but somehow have enough strength to hold it in until I’m in a quiet place alone.
Perhaps that’s why I choose a life now without company. It’s easier to not have to share because no one understands and they do not like to see what happens to me. They prefer to distance themselves also. In some ways, I’m still locked in the room because of how isolated they made me through so many acts of violence against me.
It’s easier, even for my children, to abandon me rather than face the changes they should be making in their lives, because of what they witness happen to me. My triggers and how they affect me become the excuse to slowly (or suddenly without explanation) walk away.
Words can’t heal me…..only patience and understanding. I’m learning to show both of those kindnesses towards myself because of certain people in my life now who have shown me I’m worth helping. I can’t stop what happens to me. Can’t always explain why I know what I know about people or their behaviour. I just know……not enough really listen.
They see what they choose to hear and it is costing us everything because men like the T-man were put in power in several countries over the years.
Giving people like him such a strong position, because that was easier than demanding real change, is why the whole world is suffering today. But this didn’t happen overnight, we have been the frogs in the slow boiling pots, it’s just moving a lot faster now because obviously we are nearing the boiling point. I was just one of many frogs to leap out early sensing the danger because of our experiences with trauma.
I can’t fix or undo what happened to me, I truly wish I could, because I know how it brings pain to anyone close to me. Can only continue to find healing methods to reduce the affects. In a way, those responsible for my trauma turned me into, figuratively speaking, a canary in the coal mine. When in fight or flight, there is a great deal of anger which comes to the surface. This is because I’m being forced to face painful experiences I’d rather not look at. There are so many of them, it’s impossible to keep them buried and they pop up very inconveniently far too often. I’m learning to look at them differently now which is helping me be kinder to myself.
My triggers cause several degrees of fight or flight which I cannot stop and it takes a strong effort to pull out of them. Once more, the Grandmothers have shown me thru dreams, my reactions can be viewed as warnings. If you pay attention to what causes the change in me, then you’ll see I’m giving you an opportunity to make certain changes in your life for better health choices. It is actually your choice for convenience or lower pricing causing your troubles.
Like dominoes, one choice builds a layer or foundation directing us to then make more choices to support the first one. We often talk ourselves into believing our reasons to justify the decision. By the time it becomes cancer, heart failure, dementia or simple weight gain, hair loss or skin outbreaks, it can be very complicated to find our way back to the source. Instead we treat the symptoms which only becomes another unresolved problem. The conveniences are so much more appealing, requiring little effort, so my voice remains muted.
At some point, in the near future, we are collectively going to hit a wall we can’t break down to escape. We will have to face the consequences of choosing convenience over lasting, sustainable change. What we refuse to see we end up being forced to look at – this I’ve learned from experience.
The elite, that small percentage of controllers, have cleverly and slowly manipulated the masses into making harmful choices, first with diet, that then have led to much bigger choices inevitable destroying the foundations of our existence. For them, it is about making money and also they enjoy the game of controlling the outcome regardless of the cost. After all they can use their riches to buy their way out of just about anything. But death will come for them. They cannot escape the finality of that nor the price paid in the next life or lives, depending on how stubborn they are.
Ultimately, we are all on a path leading us back to the light…….our choices define the length of time required to get there.
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