The Year 1997
This was the year of my unexpected awakening. Years of dreams to this point had been mostly about daily problems, issues with people or personal matters the mind tries to work out while asleep. However, this year the dreams became more frequently and about people I didn’t know, about issues I normally didn’t give much thought. One dramatic dream mirrored an event which transpired on the very same night when, several blocks from our home a man was stabbed to death. Yes, this year was different.
In another series of related dreams my attention was drawn to a man I learned to recognize as my father, his face familiar, my love for him intense. This was not who I grew up believing was my dad. Overriding the confusion at knowing we were somehow connected was the great love I felt for him. Understanding began with his presence.
At the same time I began to wonder about unusual things for no particular reason, such as: What is it like to live in poverty? What would it be like to starve? What is it like to die? How does it feel to leave your body in death?
Money had always been tight for our young family but we ate well, had a decent home and really didn’t do without the important things. For some reason though I began to wonder what would happen if we couldn’t buy enough food. I needed to know what it would feel like to be truly hungry, becoming almost an obsession, so I made the decision not to eat for five days. It was very important for me to understand that kind of hunger. Years later I would discover my father was malnourished at the time of his death.
When I think about this now, I cannot be sure what triggered this desire or why it became so incredibly important for me to carry it through, but I made up my mind and didn’t eat anything for those five days. I continued to do all that was needed around the house; cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, whatever I normally would do. I tired easily after a few days but I had this incredible resolve to carry this experiment through to the end. On the fifth day I realized I had to eat or it would be difficult to properly care for my family. I wasn’t really that hungry anymore but was weak and frequently dizzy. My thoughts were slow, becoming agitated by silly unimportant things and I was not sleeping well.
I did not eat ravenously as they do in the movies, but rather I ate slowly, having a very small amount of fruit and yogurt. My stomach could not hold much, taking a day or two before I could eat a full meal.
Because of these dreams I became more attuned to my father’s spirit, developing a yearning to understand him and what he went through. Unfortunately at the time, I did not realize this was what I was experiencing. I thought it was about me, but I was actually learning from him, about him. This spirit connection triggered the dreams, visions, and memories during this remarkable year, opening the door for messages yet to come.
Perhaps this was my subconscious reason for my need to go hungry in order to weaken the defences I had built to protect my cherished memories, and to shield me from the painful experiences. With the walls now down he was able to cross the bridge between our worlds in a fashion which captured my full attention!
I am left to wonder how much of my need to be strong, to not give up, belongs to this man I barely knew. In reality my story is still his story, one that is important for him to tell. He has not let me forget….nor give up. This quest continues.
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