A day of forgiveness

It has been awhile since I have made an entry for the blog, it seems one thing and another always stopping me from getting to it. We have begun a new year and already we have had quite an adventure, one that has marked a time of asking and giving forgiveness.

The year started with the man I came here to see, someone I considered a friend, taking money from me, something I could not really afford. He borrowed the money in November promising to pay me back. His wife and I talked about the money going towards rent for the house of theirs we were planning on moving into, a plan that just never seemed to gel.  Upon realizing this move was not in our best interest because of how it was coming together (or not coming together) I had a discussion with Willak and explained we were leaving Agato and Otavalo. As he had not been available to have a conversation with after he arrived home, it was not until the last day that I was able to explain our plan to leave. Because we would be leaving very early the next morning, he said he would go to the bank and get my money right away. I never saw him again, he became conveniently not available for the rest of the day and night. He did not answer my message even though I know he received it and he made no effort to see me the next morning, not even to say good-bye.

I lost $500.00, but he lost my respect and trust something much more valuable in my mind. The money will come back another way I realize that, but in my life there have just been too many people like him taking advantage of my kindness. I have always been willing to help others, giving when I had little to share many times. At the same time, because I have lost so much I have difficulty trusting, yet I keep trying hoping to find stability. Walking down the quite road as the sun was coming up,  I found myself being so grateful for the many good people I have met and the great gift of friendship given to me these past few years. It is very comforting to know such good and kind people, although far away still so close in my heart. There have been some great friends met here as well, people I will never forget, their kind and gentle manner a true blessing to the traveller I have become.

A deep sadness settled in after he arrived home on the 29th of December and I realized that I would most likely not receive my money as he made no mention of it, nor was there mention of the move-in date for the house. It was at this point we made our decision to move on. That I had to approach him was in itself a form of deceit, creating a wall between us. That I had the courage to ask him about it was indeed an indication of how much I have grown in the past few months, but is that enough?

We walked away early on the morning of the 4th of January knowing we would never return to this place that had given me so much hope only 3 months previous. I have realized on this incredible journey the obvious truth we cannot ever go back, we can only move forward. Just as I cannot go back to Maple Creek to restart my life, I cannot go back to Otavalo to pick up where I left off. I have learned what I need to from the experiences I have had, wherever I have lived and as I am ready to make a step up, I know I cannot look back.

We had a heavy load, each of us carrying about 50 pounds heading towards Otavalo where we would catch the bus. It is about a 5km walk and it was slow going with such a load, so we decided to take a cab when we reached the plaza at the falls. As I got into the back of the cab I saw a dime resting on the corner of the seat and  smiled. I was told many years ago that when you find dimes like this it is the angels letting you know they are with you, helping you. I took this to heart on this day that began with sadness.

The next problem we encountered was the bus driver who was adamant Miss Mali would not be able to ride with us. He insisted she would have to go under the bus with the cargo. This was not something I could imagine and began to cry thinking of Mali in such a dark unfriendly place. This was especially difficult after dealing with the airline and their mistreatment of her and I really could not face this happening to her. I felt quite defeated as I sat there, not knowing what to do. The assistant came up to us just before departure and with gestures only let us know their concern was Mali would throw up. This we explained would not happen and we were quite mystified as to why they would worry about this. They relented and allowed us to bring her on board, the relief was undeniable as I sank into my seat crying, Mali laying at my feet.

As the crow flies, the journey we were now embarking on would have only taken a mere 20 minutes. However this land is in the heart of the Andes and so in actuality we began our hour and a half trip to Apuela. It is truly a spectacular if not frightening trip – once again I realized it was probably a good thing I had no idea what I was getting myself into or I might not have tried it. We began to understand why there was concern about Mali throwing up because around the half way mark, I felt as though I would have that embarrassing problem. One of the other passengers came up to ask for a bag I assume because he also began to feel sick. The road signs in every 1 km stretch looking like this ↩️     〰️       ↪️    〰️  with hairpin turns followed by serpentine curves throughout the whole drive here. The bus had to make wide swings out coming dangerously close to the edge of the vertical drop going into infinity more than once to be able to make the turns. Then there was the added complication of oncoming traffic providing a whole new level of complication because often they came on a blind corner. The bus driver would honk his horn on these turns letting oncoming traffic be aware of his presence. There were many OMG and AYE aye aye moments as the miles passed. Towards the end of the trip something inside me just said let go, you are safe, I will not let harm come to you. I found myself relaxing, enjoying the beauty surrounding me, even leaning over my nose pressed against the window to see more of the fantastic view. Patrick was quite surprised knowing how afraid I am and that I would never have done this in years past. I just replied that “I have the best protection possible”.

We made a return trip to Otavalo the other day to get our suitcases which we could not carry that first day, leaving Mali at our cabin. The bus driver this morning was a bit of a dare devil so it was not really a relaxing trip.  At one point he had to back down the mountain road (my worst nightmare), my insides turning to jelly as I anticipated that sudden drop over the edge. It is not easy to put this thought out of your mind when you cannot see around you to know how close you may be to the edge. Being on such a steep slope, there is also the issue of getting up speed again. There was oncoming traffic on this particular stretch of highway not wide enough for two vehicles to pass each other, so there was no alternative but for the bus driver to back up. At another point he had to brake because there were 3 horses in the middle of the highway. I have no idea where they were trying to go, but perhaps as Patrick suggested, they were enjoying the only piece of flat land available to them.

On the return journey to our little hideaway later that day it began to rain and there was very low cloud cover similar to our heavy fog. But they call places in these mountains the cloud forest because the clouds come down into the valley filling the empty space with white. It is an eerie feeling to know there is so much depth under those clouds and that if the driver was to misjudge in any way there would be no survivors in the event of an accident.  The trip normally takes 1 1/2 hours but this driver gratefully took his time because of the conditions and so we arrived back home safely due to his great care, in 2 hours. I have to give these drivers a great deal of credit to take so much responsibility in their hands each day. There are at least 7 buses on this route one way every day. As a passenger you leave your life in their hands believing they are capable of arriving safely to your destination.  I kept thinking – “No one distract the driver, not even for a second!!!”

We have found ourselves in an amazing place right on the river. Mali is the happiest she has ever been fetching sticks in this river several times a day. She would be happy to do it all day, this simple pleasure giving her so much joy. The walks into town are also a pleasant experience. There is only one house along the way where we meet dogs, but they are not full of anger as the ones in Otavalo were. They just let us know they are there protecting the home as we walk by. Mali does not get accosted and so we pass with no issues. It is a tough walk up the mountain, a good vertical climb, but going home is all down hill, but that in itself is also a good workout. After the rain which happens most every day at this time of year, often in small amounts, the road becomes slippery so one must take care. Still it is nothing like the steep climb up the stairs back to Agato with our heavy load of groceries.

The weather here is wonderful, so much warmer even with the rainfall. There is more humidity, so my hair has regained its crazy unpredictable curl (but I don’t mind that :). I am wearing shorts for the first time since arriving in Ecuador, sleeping in comfort also for the first time since arriving. I have to say that I was seriously grateful for the beautiful quilt I brought with me, as it provided that extra protection against the cold nights on the mountain (along with several wool blankets). I will pick it up on the next journey into Otavalo when we bring the remainder of our things here.

We have finished the book, the final draft done over the last month as we read aloud each story looking for any flaws. This turned out to be a very beneficial exercise as I found that with Patrick reading I heard the stories differently and we also began to remember things we missed. I think we were both surprised at how many important details were forgotten as we struggled to compile all that was necessary. While at the beginning I was the one who was most enthusiastic about getting to work on the book, it has been Patrick in the end that is now truly excited about the story. The closer we get to the finish line, the harder it is for me to face the book and all that it has told me. I find that I am looking more and more into the prospect of hiding in a small home where I do not see people for the majority of my time. The stories have brought out a deep sadness in me that has only intensified the reality of my story. While I completely understand the value this book can have for others going through similar life experiences, I am finding that I am less inclined to be in the world now, happy with the anonymity I have found here. My experience with the money mentioned at the beginning of the story only seemed to amplify the fragility of my spirit. So forgiveness is the goal as I continue with my journey.

There is so  much peace here in this new place we now call home, the beauty is very soothing to the soul. A vast difference from the constant intrusions on our peace in. Agato with the daily public service announcements and continual playing of bad music over the loudspeakers, often starting before 6am. Here it is only the river speaking to us interrupted by the chickens and roosters as they scour the ground around us.

   Two of the roosters that come by each day – you have to admit this bit guy is spectacular!!! He thinks so anyway……..

The owners animals stop in to see us regularly (almost permanently) which is very helpful for me. I have always found great comfort in the innocence of animals, their desire to be loved seems to reach into the places of my heart which were broken, the healing aided by their desire to love back. While working on this story of late,  I am often reminded of Bilbo Baggins as he readies himself to leave with the Elves towards the end of his life saying to Frodo “Some wounds just don’t heal”. I am surprised at the emotional reaction I am having as we reach the end of this goal, unsure of the reason. Perhaps it is because of the finality of it and a “What do I do now” thought, but it doesn’t feel that way. Other than beginning another picture, I have no desire for a new project, content with the quiet lifestyle I have fallen into. I believe it is more that I am afraid this book could lead me down a path which is the opposite of what I crave. As I watch and listen to the rain, such a gentle but persistent sound, I realize I could remain in this little cabin indefinitely watching the passing of time as the sun rises and sets.

  This girl doesn’t know she’s a chicken – she hangs out with the dogs. Mali wasn’t quite sure about this new friend, but she just let it do it’s thing. Who wouldn’t let a chicken take a fly off your back??? LOL

And this is my new buddy, he has decided our place is better than his place and as soon as the sun comes up over the mountain he finds his way to our cabin. This is about a 3 block walk for the little guy, so quite a stroll for him….

  How does one say no to a face like this????     And then he discovered my dirty clothes pile, a place he feels quite comfortable on…..    

 Unfortunately I am now down one pair of socks. I can’t imagine where they have gone…

 Because I have had some down time due to the many power outages, I found myself with pens and crayons in hand, a welcome distraction. My first picture of 2019 – hummingbird mandala, a positive start to the year.

May you all find the joy that comes from simple pleasures grace your lives in this new year. It is in the small details that we sometimes find our greatest gifts….