As I lay awake last night doing my breathing exercises, I realized I felt beautiful. Now I must stress the point that I am NOT saying I feel I am beautiful – two very different things! My looks have always been plain or simple, so to feel beautiful was amazing, definitely a step up for me.
Living a whole life believing you are ugly and stupid, this is a feeling foreign to me, but it was also very comfortable somehow. It is a milestone for me to accept the idea, at least for a little while. The next important step, seems to me, to be able to feel this no matter what situation arises. Don’t think I’m there yet…..
When my computer crashed, my world disappearing with it, I began to think about my isolation differently, as I mentioned. I can liken the loss to a situation where your home has been destroyed by fire or flood. All the important memorabilia, all the details of the life you lived, now gone. In a sense it is the same thing. Years of collecting music, photos, saving all my artwork……all gone now.
This made me think about the movie the Titanic. The main character who chose to become someone else when she survived the sinking of the ship. She chose to live a different way by changing her name and disappearing from the world she grew up in. I realized I could do that right now, if I wanted to. Just disappear with no one knowing what happened to me. There was a time I would have been more than a little tempted to do so. But it would serve no good purpose for me to do so today.
As I sit here today, it occurs to me it doesn’t have to be such a dramatic shift. It has been 4&1/2 days since I delved into this new isolation. Considering I felt beautiful after just 3 days, the progress, I feel has been good so far. Right now my only obligations are for Mali and myself. Having lived a life quite the opposite, there is a certain comfort in the idea I could walk away from the burdens and obligations placed on me as a child.
My life here is very basic, there is little in the way of North American comfort. No flat screen tv, no closet, cupboards or even area rugs. Just a cement floor, bare walls and a bed. There have been many times I would see this room as being similar to what I experienced as a child. I certainly have way more in this room then I did back then, but it is the fact it is devoid of personality, there is a coldness to it. I think this is why the 3 weeks I spent with no outside communication had significance, something I would see more clearly as the days passed. Feeling beautiful when there is really nothing of myself to reflect on in my room was maybe something I needed to understand. Beauty inside is not a reflection of of what we have.
I could see now the difficulty growing up regarding not seeing the person I felt should be looking back at me, had nothing to do with physical looks. More like seeing a ghost when I looked in the mirror. Gone was the exterior of a well balanced, well loved little girl. The image in the mirror was that of a haunted spirit who had no place In the world. This is what Grama Grizzly meant when she said my soul was shattered into a thousand pieces. What I saw when I looked in the mirror was similar to what one experiences in the house of mirrors at the carnival. Shattered glass, distorted and fragmented.
They did not only change my name when they brought me to Canada. They destroyed who I was on the inside. They took everything of value, my family, my heritage, my history and the love connecting me to all those things. Then they remodelled me into the person they wanted me to be, someone I didn’t recognize when I looked in the mirror. Sometimes the only way humans accept change is through force. I said something similar to Charles yesterday when we were discussing the situation back home…..”people are very good at adapting when they have to, but wherever possible they will continue on their path of choice unless they are forced to look at change”.
This is where many of us are at the moment, me included. Do we make the required inner changes to guide us to a better life or keep on keepin on in this direction which will ultimately fail to fulfill us.
As I mentioned yesterday, I did not think to ask for Susi to pick up a charging cable for me which at first was frustrating. But I realize I still have work to do on this new road, more inner changes to help me start a new circle of development. Before I left Canada, I dreamt of being at a crossroad, a dark foreboding place which I felt represented my past. As I turned to walk away from that past, the image of a sea turtle came to me, the turtle from that point, becoming a symbol of finding home for me. When I woke, I also remembered words spoken to me the week before in another dream. My son said to me “the closer you get to home, the closer you will be to where it all began”. The meaning of both dreams altering in perspective somewhat as I write this entry.
A few months ago, just before Lucas arrived actually, Miguel took me to see a friend of his in Quito. She was very kind and reassuring as she spoke with me. She is a psychologist with psychic abilities. In her words, she explained she feels things about people and situations, doesn’t get visions. She told me after hearing parts of my story, she “felt” it was all true. She also believed it was too dangerous to make my documentary, tell my story just now. I must still protect myself. She believed I must first go to Argentina, visit the grandmothers who continue to look for the lost children like me. She felt they would be able to help me.
At the time of the visit this was not encouraging for me to hear. It was difficult if not impossible to imagine getting to Argentina. Also Lucas would be here in less than a week, how could I explain to him he came in vain, it was not a good time? In the end I gave the decision to spirit, knowing if the documentary was meant to be, it would be made, something would happen making it clear what I was meant to do.
Shortly after Lucas left Ecuador, he lost his job because of the virus situation. I saw this as an opportunity for us to spend the time getting the documentary made. He now had time that his normal busy schedule would not have allowed. In my mind this opened a door of opportunity for him to focus on my project. But instead he chose to go silent and I have not heard from him since. My messages have all been unanswered. I received my answer, it was not the right time for the documentary. The decision made for me because I could not change my way of thinking.
Is Argentina my next destination? Will I be able to bring Lucas with me to film? Really it is best I don’t make plans in my mind, just let the answers find their way as I work on myself. Feeling responsible for his new financial stress, I worried he blamed me as well, and this was why he went silent. I was carrying the quilt and the shame for my own bad situation and now as well for his. In my new found isolation, it occurred to me this was not a burden for me to carry. My inability to communicate somehow releasing me from those responsibilities. As the Titanic went down, sitting in the life raft, the woman made a choice to change her name, become anonymous. As I watched my computer crash in a flash of light, I began somewhere deep inside to find the person I lost.
Willak told me recently, everything I am doing is right, it is helping me find my face. It’s clear to me now finding my face and finding my beauty are one and the same. “I can see my face in the mirror again” , from my post entitled Dragonfly Wings.
As you can imagine there has been much concern about going so public with my story and claims as to my heritage. Not an easy position to find myself in. But I wonder, if I can see my face again, will others also recognize the girl in the adult? Will the grandmothers in Argentina see? Removing all the clutter and letting go of the obligation I felt, going to the country of my birth makes sense to me now.
Years ago I dreamt I would return to my birthplace, represented by the heart plant – the philodendron with its heart shaped leaves native to Argentina. In the dream I was recognized, the people of that area were waiting for me, there was to be a celebration of my return.
At the time it was an amazing dream to have, verifying my suspicions I had not been born in Canada. One of the women had made a carving of my horse Angel, and was asking if she remembered the colours correctly. From previous dreams about my horse, I was able to suggest minor adjustments for her to be perfect.
It is such a good feeling to be able to connect the dots after all these years from this different perspective. While I was writing my book Finding Home, I could see how certain dreams went together, but now I am feeling those connections, there is emotions attached to them creating a different pattern in my mind. In the past I dreamt of the grandmothers as well, so once more, I feel they are calling me home. Miguel’s friend appears to be correct, Argentina is a country I must visit. I am the sea turtle, I am finding my way back home.
It seems like a giant puzzle. If I imagine all the information given to me over the years as puzzle pieces, then writing in my journals was an act of organizing the puzzle pieces. I have actually described this comparison before. The complexity of this puzzle is enhanced because there was no image to follow or guide me. In a sense the image has developed as the pieces arrive, how they go together is determined by my thoughts at the time. Adjustments made as my perspective from new information arriving changes. Quite a complicated process.
People like Miguel’s friend help me to make those adjustments based on their view of what they see or feel when I give them the information. A fresh perspective can be very beneficial, just as when I am working too closely on an image, seeing the next move can be difficult. Stepping back or having someone else’s input can be just what you needed. The image of my puzzle still has important information, or pieces missing, making it difficult to see the direction needed to proceed. I am at a crossroads in essence. Seeing the beautiful happy child I had been, the most important aspect of my puzzle. With this essential memory arriving, consideration of my next move is on my mind.
Because of the beauty felt last night, my mind wanders to the possibility and hope, if truth be told, this is what my parents, surrogate parents and grandparents saw in me. As my name Gabriel suggests, did they see me as their little angel, full of light and joy? Imagining myself light as the feather of an angels wing, dancing to the music of life, I accept this wonderful and fulfilling possibility. To be reunited with those who remember and love me, dancing in celebration of my return home. Enough of the puzzle completed to bring me back to my family, the healing journey reaching the end of a cycle. On to the next one……
I had a good laugh this afternoon thanks to miss Mali. I have been tossing the many fallen guava which have landed on the ground near my cabin. The other day, Mali began to pay attention when she saw I was throwing an object into the bushes. Always up for a game of catch, off she went to find what I threw. Today after throwing several into the bushes, I looked up in time to see her cough up 4 guava as she prepared to catch the last one I had just thrown. Timing is everything and mine was perfect as I witnessed one after the other come popping out of her mouth. I burst out laughing, how could I not? How I love miss Mali and her childlike playful spirit. It truly is a blessing to have her with me on this journey. My great companion..
The time seems to be passing very slowly today, I suppose after having such a nice break in routine the day before. Yesterday’s visit made the day pass much quicker, so the void more obvious in the absence of company. With the rain beginning early this afternoon, I am wishing for a good story to read, or movie to watch. Watching the rain and letting the sound fill my soul will just have to do……