Finding Home, Chapter 2; Grama Grizzly

Grama Grizzly 2000
This is the story of how I began my journey of healing the deep wounds of my past. It was a leap of faith for me that would affect my entire family, to take this trip and meet this woman who changed my life in such a big way.
Because of the many dreams I had been having over the years, some recorded in my journals, some not but still remembered, I developed a growing need to understand their messages on a deeper level. For this reason we began planning our trip to the west coast with the intention of meeting the medicine woman known as Grama Grizzly.
What I learned from this part of my journey was the person I tried to be my entire life was not who I really was, not who I am. I also realized that just because I’d begun dealing with this reality, I still had a very long road ahead. At the time you want to believe it will be simple, just a bit of tweaking, a few adjustments, and voila, everything works out.
While this was a nice thought, years later I can attest to the fact it has not been so simple. In fact it has been a long and at times very troubling road to walk. I suppose having that naive outlook back then made it easier to keep going, without the potentially inhibiting knowledge of the many roadblocks to come.
When we decided to head to Chilliwack to attend the Medicine Wheel and meet Grama Grizzly, we made a much bigger decision in order to do so. We put all our belongings in storage and gave up the house we were renting, not knowing if or when we would come back. Actually, we had no reason to return.
Although it truly was a beautiful place to live there were few jobs in the area, the school did not have the highest educational standard, and it was made more difficult because the main commerce was unrestrained deforestation, something we strongly opposed.
We had tried unsuccessfully to make a life there, and failed. So we took a road trip to see about finding some answers and perhaps also find a more suitable place to put down roots. Chilliwack was the catalyst allowing us to leave one circle and gradually enter another.
So the five of us: Lucas, Patrick, our dog Hawk, cat Tiffany, and myself loaded into our small pick-up, with only the possessions we could fit into the back – mainly our camping supplies and of course my most valuable possession, the artwork, my drawing materials, as well as my beading supplies.
Along the way these items served us well, providing income so we could indefinitely extend our walkabout. We had a few weeks to get to Chilliwack so we took our time and enjoyed the experience. I was nervous about the whole thing because I had no idea how or if this woman could help me discover the answers I needed to find some peace.

We arrived a week before The Wheel was to begin and went to meet Grama Grizzly at her home. She invited us in and heard our explanation as to why we were there. To our surprise she invited us to stay in her meeting lodge until the wheel began. In return we agreed to help with setting up of The Wheel in any way we could. Lucas rose to the occasion, going above and beyond any of our expectations, putting his heart and soul into the effort. He worked as hard as any man, although he was only ten years old at the time. We were incredibly proud of him.
Grama came over to visit the afternoon after we settled in, speaking with us about the wheel, how to behave and what to expect. She also wanted to speak with me personally to help me understand what I could expect from her if the spirits agreed to assist me at this time. I was quite uncomfortable with all that was happening and was not sure if I was doing the right thing, but she was being so kind to us I had to trust I was in the right place.
She gave us some of her special blended medicine used to smudge, something we learned to respect while we were there. Holding a conch shell containing the medicine she cleansed our auras and the space we were in with that sacred smoke. I cannot remember all that she talked to us about that day, but she did ask me a question that took me by surprise, so much so I thought she was joking.
She was very serious when she asked, “Are your parents native?”* I giggled because I could not see why she would think that possible, based on my skin tone and the colour of my hair. But when I realized she was serious this made me start to wonder. I couldn’t answer her, not knowing the identity of my true parents at that time. I did not know their nationality or where they were from. Therefore I agreed with her it was possible because of the remarkable dreams of the past few years. This in itself opened a door for me which redirected my way of thinking about myself, who I was, and from where I came. This is essential because the question alone gave me the courage to believe there was truth in these dreams and visions.
Patrick and Lucas played a significant role in setting up the wheel. For some reason Grama would not let me participate in any big way. I was instructed to stay at the house and rest, to prepare for what was to come.
Even when we finally got to the wheel and there was so much to do, Grama had put out the word and no one would let me help. I felt in the way and it made me uncomfortable. So I stayed mostly on my own resting at our tent site, wondering about my role here and feeling a bit left out.
I was curious about the ceremonies and I had hoped to be able to participate in a sweat, the real purpose of my visit to the wheel. Grama made it clear she had not as yet made her decision to allow me to go into the sweat. I was confused, thinking after our initial conversation it was a sure thing, though still uncertain of the traditional way. I was beginning to realize although I didn’t fully understand, I had to respect her way and be patient for her decision. At her request I spoke with the woman who would be leading the sweat, having an interview of sorts. Her sister was also present as she too would assist. They were listening to my story to learn why I came to receive their help.
The sweat is a sacred healing ceremony and I had to be judged, in a way, to be given permission to enter the sweat lodge. Not everyone at The Wheel is offered this gift of healing, so I understood it would be a great privilege to be accepted. During this discussion I presented my offering of tobacco wrapped in red cloth. I knew I would have to hear of their decision soon because I was expected to fast before the ceremony. While waiting I did some beadwork and worked on my drawings to pass the time.
Once the wheel began Grama Grizzly would frequently make the hundred yard walk from her lodge to the entrance of the wheel, calling everyone wherever they were to stop and join in prayer, and for special messages. She would then call in the eagles, whistling to them in a unique key and they would come out of nowhere and circle overhead. I thought that was quite amazing and I loved to watch it happen.
The night before the sweat and before our evening meal she called the eagles once again. When they arrived this time they circled over her once and then to her surprise first one, and then the others flew over to where I was standing beside the tent, without my making a sound. I remember the amazed look on her face as she turned toward me, standing there with this big smile on my face, reminded of the many times I called Sapphire to me when at home.* …I would call him in my mind, often when sitting outside having quiet time, and he would always come. So there I stood with the eagles circling directly overhead and everyone startled at this unexpected event. For me a very remarkable and satisfying moment.
Later that evening while eating her meal in the elders tent she watched me continually, giving me her decision afterwards I would participate in the sweat. I was aware the eagles came for this purpose, and was moved by their unwavering devotion and loyalty.
I was now expected to fast before the morning I would enter the lodge. I had actually already begun, hoping I would be accepted. I had no idea what to expect but I was now excited, albeit nervous. In the morning the leader of the sweat came to me and I followed her up into the trees away from the camp to a clearing prepared especially for the ceremony.
Grama was very strict on the proper protocol for the sweat and for this I was very grateful. When dealing directly with spirits one must respect the energies, always. There should be no exceptions. The woman leading the sweat was very kind and she explained what was to happen and then cleansed me with prayers and smudge before I entered the lodge.

A hot rock pit occupied the centre, the five of us entered in a sun-wise direction (clockwise) and sat in place. The caretaker remained outside tending the stacked wood fire for heating the rocks. They are called grandmothers and grandfathers, the spirits who enter the lodge and answer our prayers. The sweat leader must be strong, working with the light in order to ensure only positive energy enters the lodge.
Inside it was dark and very hot, the heat becoming so intense with every additional rock that came in. Sprinkling them with a water dipped cedar bough created the steam. It was quite stifling, but I was amazed to be able to handle it. The ceremony paused at one point and while standing outside with a blanket over my shoulders I felt such inner peace, something before now completely foreign to me.
For the first time in my life I was at ease with myself, comfortable in silence. As we made our way back into the lodge cramping indicated my period may have begun, which worried me because a woman is not supposed to enter the lodge while on her moon time. We continued the ceremony, offering our prayers as more rocks were brought in. Once completed and outside the lodge I was then able to explain my concern.
On being made aware, the leader immediately began cleansing me and had an assistant lead me straight to the moon lodge where I would spend the rest of my time at The Wheel. They brought me into the great teepee which had been set up above the main camp for all the women on their moon time, segregation regarded a privilege. Woman were respected for this cycle which allows them to carry a child, so we were given the time and space to rest from daily tasks. Quite a wonderful idea really, not a part of the modern woman’s busy schedule!
I was exhausted and had to lay down. Later on I could hear two women talking quietly, one of whom had also participated in the sweat. She was visiting her mother who was staying in the moon lodge. They were talking about me which I could hear despite their whispering, which I don’t think they realized. The younger woman who had been in the sweat was explaining to her mom she had learned I was to be respected because I was a great healer. I remember feeling uncomfortable hearing this. I could not understand how that was possible. To this day it remains something I struggle to fully comprehend.
Grama made a special trip to the moon lodge to see me shortly after I arrived to check on how I was doing. She had also come to the sweat lodge while I was in ceremony, concerned for me, I was told. Apparently this was not normally something she did. However, she was aware of what I was going through even though she was not part of the ceremony, and became concerned about my ability to cope.
I was instructed to not tell anyone what happened in the sweat, or the spirit power of the gift would weaken. So although I never told her of my experience, Grama Grizzly knew and she spent quite a bit of time with us up at the lodge. I made every effort to be in attendance with the other woman, listening to Grama Grizzly tell her stories and give her teachings. I knew they were important but I was experiencing a great deal of pain and was very dizzy and so could not really participate. I had no appetite because of the pain, spending most of my time laying down.
I was in a very peaceful state and was content to just be alone with my good feelings and thoughts, but I was also anxious to get back to my family, to be close to them. In truth I could not remember a time when I had felt this much at ease in my own body. Normally, the moment I walk out my door I am a jumble of nerves and am always on edge. But this…this was a wonderful feeling!
The next day was the closing ceremony and all of us at the moon lodge were allowed to go down to the circle as long as we stayed separate from the group and outside the wheel. I sat there as if in a dream.
Later that afternoon, once the dust had cleared after the many attendees had gone their separate ways, Patrick and I decided we would stay a bit longer and enjoy the energy on this ground, a place marking the continuation of an incredible journey. We remained camped for another week, enjoying the peace of this very spiritual place.
Before she left, Grama came to see us; she wanted to talk to me about my experience. She told me what I had gone through was a very good beginning, but I had a long way to go and would have to work hard. She hoped I would be strong enough. She also explained to me that, in her opinion, I needed to spend more time being around people, not isolate myself so much. She felt it was important I learn to be part of the world instead of hiding from it as I have done. This was not an easy thing for me to hear as I have always been far too uncomfortable around people and I couldn’t see this working out. I was too afraid.
So, not the easy solution I had hoped for! At the same time it was an affirmation I was right to come and begin this journey. There is no such thing as an instant fix for any of us, and as I have learned since that weekend, I had a great deal yet to uncover and some difficult memories to process and accept. The feeling of bliss was to last only a short time. Stepping into the real world brought back the reality of our overall situation and we continued to seek further assistance as our journey unfurled.
Grama Grizzly believed no one should be left out of our prayers. This is a motto I try to live by, including even those who have left me with many deep scars and wounds. Never to be forgotten, forgiveness remains an integral aspect of healing.

*An interesting recurrence happened at the Self Realization Fellowship Encinitas Ashram, Encinitas, California. In conversation with a senior monastic he froze us in our tracks with the unexpected question, “Do you have native heritage?” When pressed for clarification regarding my past he paused for a few moments and then strongly suggested we leave it alone and not search any more.