There was a lightbulb moment yesterday as I went off into another rant of frustration. It had been a week since the internet was not working, so I was once more in a situation of no communication with the world outside Victoria.
A few days before the problem occurred (1 1/2 weeks now) I made the decision to just let got of everything. My last post was thought to be, indeed my last, as I was tired of everything. I have been in isolation and alone for 95% of my time for 3 months now. I am trying to get my project started in the midst of this crisis knowing so many are suffering and may not be able to see the value of what I am try to accomplish as they struggle to make ends meet. It felt hopeless, I felt too isolated and alone to pick up my socks again. So I knew I had to do something drastic to knock me out of the cycle – there is no one else to do it for me after all.
The day after I made my decision to Just Stop! A very dear friend offered a new perspective which gave me inspiration. This of course meant that I did not stop after all. An artist with inspiration can be a deadly force! The following day I woke to find myself alone on the property, not knowing for how long and no wifi. It was similar to walking into a wall, the surprise of being in this situation so soon was depressing. But there was a bright side, I had power, I could do my puzzles, write and of course as always, draw. But yes, I felt as though spirit wanted me to stop, to regroup and as I would soon discover be ready to receive another memory.
In the end, I was alone for 2 days, it was very quiet and I was not well. I thought I would do a fast, but one day was too much for me and I knew I would have to eat at least a light meal by Saturday. The day did not go well, I was very uncomfortable in my body, my head felt like it would split open and I could not handle the heat of the day………very unusual for me. I had a suspicion I would be having another memory based on what I was going through. I do not feel there are words to describe what I experience with these episodes,it is overwhelming to every sense of my body. All I can do is surrender to the experience and hope to see the other side of it, because it truly does not feel like I will survive it. Perhaps this sounds melodramatic, and I can appreciated this thought, so I won’t try to convince anyone.
The dreams came on Saturday night, the experience very difficult. So much so that I did not truly appreciate the beauty of the gift received for several days. It was not until late Sunday afternoon when I was finally able to release the emotions attached to the memory and thereby release the pain in my chest. Writing the story in my mind allowed this process to begin, and then it had to be recorded for my book.
Of course I cannot say with complete certainty, because I thought the book was finished weeks ago, but it does now feel as though I received the last vital memory. Over the following week, I roller coaster “ed” with my emotions as things I tried to accomplish in my efforts to move forward were still blocked. No wifi! Yesterday when I was at my worst, I had a flash of understanding about my dear friend from Maple Creek. I was reminded how in the last minutes of your your last hours in a situation a light can shine for you, although you thought your time was up. And then it was like a glass fell over spilling many drops, each one containing a time when a miracle happened. Then like a train switching tracks to take its passengers to their bright and beautiful destination, I felt the change in myself. Gone was the anger boiling up inside me, gone was the frustration. Putting all my energy into my book, getting it ready to print, I found belief in myself once more. As if I was receiving a reward, hours later, there was the familiar sound of crickets coming from my phone, wifi had been restored as I finished the last of my book edits.
Any who have read my stories over the last 2 years, know how much I believe in signs, the timing of those perfect moments which cannot be explained. Of course the crickets were a sign! I have no idea how I will get what I need to survive, and of course I will more than likely have another melt down, but today I see the sunshine. Today I think somewhere there is an answer to help me find my way through this.
This morning I realized although something inside broke due to the silence of my children, there is so much love for the beautiful people they are. That they are not in my life is of course difficult to accept, but I know they are living their lives the way they wish to, making decisions important for their happiness and well being. It occurred to me perhaps letting go was the only way they could accomplish this. Will they ever come back? I suppose I will never give up hoping for such a gift, but I feel I have accepted that they will not.
My latest memory showed me the purpose of hoping and not giving up on your dreams as they can and do come true. I said to someone not long ago “my past keeps jumping in front of me”. My dream one week ago showed me it is possible for the beauty of my childhood to jump in front of me allowing me to put the terrors away, they have served their purpose and are no longer needed. The first 2 years of my life were filled with beauty, love and magic. I want my book, my story to help others understand they can get back to the time before the tragedy occurred stopping them from being themselves.
If people can see that from the darkest of shadows, such as I experienced, love still reaches through, then they will understand why I am sharing what I experienced. I want to share the joy, but in this case, it seems important to understand the significance of facing the pain, to appreciate the value of such a gift. The complications associated with those involved can not be appreciated without seeing the consequences of hate. This is something we can all learn from. I am fortunate to have been able to survive long enough to remember the beauty of the beginning……..