Last night on April 13, 2020 just before midnight, I realized I was no longer afraid, the feelings of panic were no more. I slept through the night without being afraid. Waking up this morning after a significant dream, I took a few minutes to recognize the breakthrough I made. I believe this date is particularly significant because it was one year ago that Patrick left me here without saying good-bye. To my knowledge, no one has heard from him, and none of us know where he is, or how he is. During the past year, I have had to struggle many days, facing some very difficult situations due to my PTSD. So today, I begin a new year in celebration of progress, healing, letting go and facing fears.
I also feel only love can conquer fear, but then hate and fear are one and the same in the end. It has been such a beneficial exercise finding this music and writing my stories which connect to the different songs. Watching humanity as it joins hands with music and love has been incredible during the last few days, allowing me to retrieve a memory this morning. I can actually now connect this memory from this morning to one I had many years ago which was difficult to understand. So many of the artists in these videos come from third world countries, devastated by war and crimes against humanity. I suppose this is why I love them so much. These artists represent hope for better understanding, unity and yes…..a better world. Their talent shines through the clouds offering all of us the opportunity to see the world a little differently.
My teen years were very difficult. I am not alone in the world with the issues I faced, but at the time I believed I was. Songs like the one above were there for me, lifting my spirits. So I can attest to the healing powers of music from the time I was very young to date. Music has always had an important role in my life; these videos are a strong indication, it is a worldwide phenomenon. It has given life to my otherwise quiet days.
Perhaps we should exchange politicians for musicians…….
I have wondered over the days lately, if as we are all in isolation, perhaps we are all being asked to take this time to go deeper, discover what it is we really want from life. People everywhere have just been playing catch-up, their lives are more about how busy they are then how they want to live. Have you ever noticed when you ask someone how they are, they answer “oh I’m good, busy, very busy……..”? I have also heard many people say over the years “we can’t keep going this way, the system can’t continue like this forever…..” And now the system is facing a major overhaul – we have a chance here to create a better one, one that is not focused on war and greed. What is it you want to see on the other side of this epidemic? Personally, I kinda like the idea of a Love Train…….The artists from my youth understood where we were headed, they sang about the issues we faced; they weren’t afraid to ask for change. Music was their weapon, and the songs have endured, the messages more relevant today.
If those reading did not read my book “Finding Home” while it was published for free on my blog, then you will not understand the significance of the spider, the room and how they controlled my life. During this last year, I have come to acknowledge the room as being the most significant form of torture endured. Everything I loved was destroyed during the time spent in that room. Once I was no longer required to spend time in that room, I was sent to Canada to live in a world quite the opposite of what my first 2 years of life taught me was right.
For reasons I could not understand, as a young child I was terrified to use a toilet. Just seeing one made me panic. This morning I finally understand why. I suppose because I asked “Spirit” to show me why I have been so afraid lately, I was given the gift of my dream this morning which then explained my fear of toilets as a child.
In my dream I captured a very large spider and rather than take it outside as I normally would, I brought it into the bathroom and put it in the toilet. Now this may seem cruel to you, but my toilet did not have water in it, it was just a prison for the spider, a way for me to contain it so it could not surprise me again. I caught a second spider and also put it in the toilet. As I did, I was given the message I was meant to see. The long black legs of the spider I had put in earlier could be seen coming out of the gap at the back of the toilet seat, and I froze. In the dream I was trying to figure out how to stop that from happening once I could move again, waking up shortly after.
Years ago I had a memory come back to me of 2 men forcing me into a bathroom and closing the door. At the time I wondered if they raped me in that bathroom, but that never quite made sense. But now I understand; I remember what they did. The spider was in the toilet and they forced me to sit on it. The long black legs that I remember crawling on my face were now going to crawl out from behind me as I sat there. Waking from the dream, I understood the value of the information, although maybe the impact of this knowledge has not quite reached its peak. I understand that by placing the spiders in the toilet myself, I was doing to the spider what it had done to me. I have to mention an important difference however. I was handling the spiders with gentleness, talking to them as I placed them in their prison, explaining the purpose. There was no cruelty in my actions, this was only a means to protect myself.
From the gift of the dream, the truth of this information is also obvious. I had been in a cold sweat as I dreamt, waking to find there were no more signs of panic, or fear. I feel really good, calm and at peace again. I feel I can move forward, another piece of the puzzle discovered and placed into the picture of my past. I was between the ages of 2 and 7 years when these traumas took place. I know many more memories are still locked away safely, but I can see now they come back to me on a need to know basis. My past year of isolation gave me the strength to face this rather difficult memory. I can only be grateful as I face a new day…….reaching for higher ground as I do so.