What would it be like to walk during an earthquake? There are many who can answer that, and my imagination tells me what I think it would feel like after experiencing an earthquake last year around this time. I did not try to walk around but remained sitting as I wondered if I was safer on top of the mountain, or if it would have been better to be down low. Each location has it’s risks for sure, and fortunately I did not have to worry about my safety that day. But today I ask the question about walking as the earth shakes for a different reason…….
I lay awake last night in the wee hours of the morning, consumed by different worries, which I knew was silly, but once the treadmill begins this dialogue in my head it is difficult to stop it. My time here has taught me however, to slow the thoughts down and allow the treadmill to remain at a reasonable pace allowing me to be calm.
Whatever woke me up during the night is unknown, but the thoughts in my head caused me to stay awake as I contemplated my options. I compared my situation with walking in an earthquake because I saw that there is not one aspect of my life that is on stable ground at the moment. As one who suffers from PTSD, this is extremely difficult for me. I have always needed at least one aspect of my life to be in order, be predictable, make sense. Nothing about my life makes sense right now, and I began to panic. Taking a deep breath, a sip of water and a minute to walk around, I began to feel better. With a calmer mind, I saw how I am being taught to completely trust in my reason for being here, what I am trying to do. To doubt in the spirit of why I am here is to deny myself of the right to be who I am. In order to accomplish my goal, I must believe in its purpose despite my unstable situation and how uncomfortable I am because of it.
I can’t say that I am not afraid anymore, the lessons revolving around people not answering my questions, not having confirmation from certain people surrounding important decisions I must make, both for myself and others, has made it difficult to feel secure and safe. I want so much to give up, but then I realize how empty I feel. The words from the shaman have become a mantra for me as I repeat his words over and over, that “You have to go on” that “I must tell as many people as possible the message in my documentary” and “everything I am doing is helping me find my face”.
That this man has only recently come back into my life after a difficult good-by last year, is in itself an indication of accepting that I must trust in what cannot be proven, cannot be seen. He expressed his gratitude for the “Rainbow Bridge, which renewed our friendship once more and I too must be grateful for the timing of this gift and the support I have found with him. In that moment, I understood how spirit works for us in ways we cannot comprehend most of the time. The situations in front of us sometimes gently, sometimes with greater force, guiding to where we thought we did not want to go. When we get there we say “thank you for the gift of your love which brought us here”. There are invisible threads which unite us in ways we are not always able to see, but if we can trust in their presence, rather than fight against this invisible force, we tend to find ourselves in the right place at the right time.
My friend Wally, from Maple Creek, has been such a pillar of strength for me, her kindness, her love, her steady influence, and her constant source of encouragement and support have been my reason for not giving up many times. I am not sure how I would have gotten through this past year without her continued support and friendship. I am sharing a song which she sent me this morning so you can see for yourself how incredible she is for providing just the right message for just the right day. The strength of her arms which reach across the miles to hold me up when I am falling are very much appreciated. We must never, never underestimate the power of such timely messages and kindness.
Seeing her message this morning seemed to confirm the importance of trusting when it seems (as the songs says) that friends and family are not there for you, because the spirit of love and friendship will find you, we must never give up hope, or let our fears win. Strength comes from believing in the unseen guidance, the name you give it is your own.