Home…….it’s not a building or a location, at least not in the sense I’m talking about. Over the years, I proved you can make any house a home, even if you don’t like the house you have found to live in. Once all your favorite things are in place, comfort can be obtained.
There are many like me, single, no family, how do we find home where we live. I mean we say home is where the heart is and for most of us our family is the heart of the home. Even after our children have left, they are still part of our home. It is different when you have no family. For me, once all my art was hung on the wall, I felt I was home. Taking the images down weeks before leaving Canada it was difficult to be in the emptiness – the faces of my art gave me comfort, a sense of accomplishment and told me I was capable. Without them I felt lost, the house felt cold and lifeless.
As I began to write my book, there was understanding, at least for me, home was being loved. Without love it seems to me we do not have an anchor. This was true in my case, I was just moving without being connected because I did not feel loved, even by my children.
Since the day at vital statistics 29 years ago now, I would never have imagined what I learned that day would bring me to where I am today. Last night as I lay awake, unable to sleep, I began to have another vision. Standing by the river with a shawl wrapped around my shoulders against the chill of the evening, there was sadness. The feeling quickly evaporated as I felt the man from the other night step in behind me and wrap his arms around me. Nothing else mattered in that moment, I was content, I was home. I have not met this man yet, his face has not been shown to me. He is tall, has dark hair and is fit, at least that is what I saw last night. Perhaps I am a little closer to meeting him as I have now seen more of him. Just thinking about him makes me feel calm and secure…..this to me is the definition of home.
We can imagine all sorts of things when we are alone, lonely or feeling lost. The isolation has forced me to look deeper into myself, discover what it is I want. Most of my life I felt as though my decisions were always to please someone else, comply with what made them happy. My feelings, my desires never factored into the equation. No one ever asked me what I wanted, I never asked myself. When you have no self worth, that is not something you feel entitled to…..asking for what you want.
So this time alone has been difficult, but also beneficial as I learn to see the value of self, no matter what others think of me. My children I suppose are the biggest disappointment, you never imagine they will not wish to speak to you, want to be in your life. I will always miss them, will always wonder why, but for now I must let them go, say goodbye. There is great sadness, a void which cannot be explained or filled. Time is all I have left.
Categories: Travel Diary Entry