Over the course of the the last 3 months, I have found myself being slowly redirected to make a change of plans.
Before I decided to leave Canada, thinking it was going to be permanent, I found myself in a similar situation. Every decision I made to stay in Canada seemed to produce a wall. I think of a maze in which someone else is able to control the positions of the walls. Every time I saw the exit, thinking “at last” a wall would come down redirecting my path. My situation here feels like déjà vu. A wall comes down with each decision I make, seeming to point in the end in the direction of Canada.
It is not easy for me to accept this choice, I love it here and can’t imagine not being able to visit the river each day, admire the mountains and enjoy a near perfect climate. The people met have shown me more of myself, and I will miss them terribly.
Don’t get me wrong, there is much I love about Canada too, and I have missEd the people, the beauty of the land and the change of seasons. This only serves to give better understandIng of the desire one has to divide their time between more than one country – to have the best of both worlds.
I feel truly blessed to have had the opportunity to experience this luxury of healing in such a magical place. There is this need to move on however, the peace and tranquility I experienced upon arrival has given way to the strained and more hectic way coming to Victoria and possibly the Intag Valley. I almost have a sense of urgency if I give it any thought, which troubles me. I am fully aware leaving does not solve certain issues, the road back has its complications. However there is a certain excitement, when thinking about the possibility of seeing those I care about, sharing time together, enjoying the simple pleasure of a good conversation and laughter. Of course a hot shower and the opportunity to cook proper meals again is also pretty exciting.
There are days here when the air has a certain distinct chill to it which reminds me of a fine autumn day. I have memories of sitting by the river with my family, enjoying a picnic lunch, skipping pebbles in the river and watching the wildlife as we embraced the day. Those are such wonderful memories for me, they keep me going sometimes, thinking of a time when everything seemed much simpler. I can say this despite the rather complex situation of my family. Nothing but the beauty of my family and the world around me mattered on those afternoons.
On a day such as today, it is difficult to believe I have been here 2 years, well almost. I arrived September 19th. Some days it feels as though I have never lived anywhere else, other days such as today when the wind rustles the leaves, I relish the idea of enjoying another beautiful Canadian autumn day. Sometimes, I feel quite lost, others I am sure nothing can go wrong. But no matter what the day brings emotionally, there is this connection to people, places and things felt in my heart. I wonder what the purpose was in meeting different people, going different places, finding treasure along the way. At the time, it may not matter if or what the purpose is, but often as time goes by, there is room for wondering if there had been a greater significance or meaning missed. Sometimes looking back, I can see how a chance meeting changed my direction, provided a new perspective. In the busyness of our lives we can miss the significance, may never truly appreciate the sequence of events which led us to a new path. Spirit intervention?
A recent dilemma offered me a new way to look at a certain problem I was facing. It seems so simple when we see an answer to something previously confounding us, yet when the answer wasn’t so obvious, we may think there isn’t one. It occurred to me the other day the problem I was facing was actually and more importantly a lesson for someone else. When I realized the beauty of the interaction, the cause and affect of the situation, my problem no longer seemed such a difficult hurdle. In fact, after spending a great deal of time trying to solve it, I found there was no problem at all. Seeing this made me wonder at the possibility my leaving Ecuador is not so much about where I am going, but why I’m leaving.
We have heard the saying that we never know what disaster we narrowly missed on any given day, something said to us inspiring a more positive outlook to our life and the problems we have. There is a solution to every problem, even if we are not completely happy with it. Compromise is often offered as a substitute for what we a desire. Incredibly, the compromise or the acceptance for a completely different choice ends up being the correct one in the end. Can we be happy with the choice we accepted but did not want? Absolutely, with the right attitude, we can discover ourselves on a much better road in fact, if we accept rather than challenge the outcome.
Connected to my return is the sense I have failed. Coming back without a finished and successful outcome to my purpose for the initiation of my adventure, brings me down emotionally. Yet, there has been growth, understanding and accomplishment just by being here, taking the step which has challenged so many of my fears. Perhaps I will not see the gift connected to my dilemma until much later, but I know, especially after my recent experience, to be open for it.
Sometimes it feels as if the walls are closing in on me and I can’t breath, the weight is so great. Taking a step back to remember all I just learned, not yet an automatic response. We must train ourselves to think differently, look at the immovable object as something we want rather than wishing it would go away. Ya, I have a long way to go…….