The day my son decided not to speak to me, something broke inside. It is not something which can be fixed. I have decided not to continue with the blog for now, maybe permanently. I feel it is wrong to keep pretending everything is ok when it truly is not.
For my whole life, I have put a smile on my face when I would rather cry, said I was fine when I wanted to die, kept going when I just wanted to stop. Here, right now, I have this chance to do just that……stop. I am not ok, I have never been ok and probably never will be ok. Right now I do not want to pretend anymore that everything is fine, that I am fine, that things will work out. I do not believe they will anymore. This is something I need to experience, to accept and I need to let go …….of everything!
It seems very wrong to keep putting posts up that say otherwise, and I am tired of lying to myself about my life, how little I mean to my children. I must accept if I was worthwhile they would not have abandoned me, so for now I will go inside, as deep as I have to see the truth of what I have become for them to have so little regard for me. I must let go.