The other day while riding the bus, I had the great understanding that yes sorrow is a gift. It was a bit strange really to have this idea suddenly pop into my mind, but as I gave it some room to be there, I realized how true it was. The reason? To have a life without sorrow means, (to me) there would have been no one to love or who loved me, in my life.
So you can see how important it was for me to have this realization – it meant with such great sorrow, there was much love in my early life. Suddenly the sorrow wasn’t as important as how much love I must have enjoyed. The beauty of such contrast felt wonderful, and I was very grateful for this gift of understanding. In this way I feel I have been able to let go of most of the sorrow that was clouding my mind that day.
I had been really worried because my PIN number had been compromised somehow and I could not access my account. This meant no rent money, no food, and a great deal of worry. I have been alone with this dilemma for weeks now, struggling to find a solution, and hoping that on this trip into the city, I could at last buy some food. I suppose it is difficult to imagine for most people, that making a trip just to see if your PIN number works is not such a simple task. The machine in Apuela was being fixed, so this meant a 20 minute walk into town a few times only to find out it was still not operational. Then there was making the decision to spend your last few dollars on the bus ride (after the 20 minute walk up the mountain) to take the 2 hour trip into the city, all the while knowing you only had enough money to get back home if things didn’t work out.
So the distraction of these thoughts, knowing that my sorrow had such a positive message attached to them, made a very big difference regarding my ability to face my dilemma. With PTSD, for me these can be the most difficult problems to solve. Without knowing for sure if there will be a positive resolution, I freeze up and cannot make any decisions. I was terrified to go to Otavalo if it meant defeat. I wasn’t sure I could handle such an outcome. I believe the world is a much better place once you realize you are loved, respected and welcome in someone else life. For most of my life I have been forgotten, left out, pushed away, so gratitude replaced my anxiety on this morning driving through the mountains. Positive over negative, peace over fear, a chance to face the dragon once more and choose a different reaction – a constant battle……
Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion
Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
The return to innocence
And if you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny
Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don’t give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence
That’s return to innocence
One of the most difficult things for me to accept, the biggest trigger I have is that of rejection. Part of rejection is being ignored, not having your messages returned, not having your questions answered and not being listened to or taken seriously. In the last few months, I have made the important decision, to not have a relationship with anyone, anymore who does not answer my questions or my texts. There have been too many people in my life who have ignored me, locked me in a room, or made me feel my opinion had no value. So much of the sorrow stems from such isolation, it is a loneliness which happens to many of us because rejection can be as simple as someone not taking 5 minutes in their day to engage in conversation with you.
I am not speaking of the person who will get back to you, but cannot because they are busy, but the one who ignores your message, intentionally does not answer your questions, purposely making you wait until they feel like getting back to you. This is a form of control, and it can have devastating affects on someone who has PTSD. It seemed to me these ideas were connected to my realization that I had once been loved a great deal. I believe when we love or are loved, we do not ignore that person on purpose. Someone who intentionally ignores you is someone who cannot love you and therefore is probably not a good person to keep in your life. This is how my mind was working on this day because once again I felt very isolated and alone as I struggled to find my way through fear.
The following song has struck me in different ways over the past weeks because I remember this song growing up, and liking it. At that time, I could only see it as reflecting someone who took an overdose and did not make it. Today when I listen to it I feel as though it reflects the many times when I was too scared to ask for help, was too frightened to move, felt there was no one to turn to for help, alone in a sea of people. Climbing a mountain that was far too high……..
She’s come undun
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late
She’s come undun
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn’t fly
It was too late
It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undun
She wanted truth but all she got was lies
Came the time to realize
And it was too late
She’s come undun
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
Mama, it was too late
It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undun
Too many mountains, and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches and not enough truth
Too many people and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives to lead and not enough time
It’s too late
She’s gone…
It has never been easier to communicate with people, yet it seems too difficult for people to take the time to respond. Do you know someone who is lost in a sea of people? Can you make a difference by responding to them in a timely fashion? Can you ease the pain by just taking 1 minute of your day to answer a question? Knowing how much it can make a difference, I do try to never leave anyone out of my prayers, never ignore them, always answer their question as best I can. There are times when you can’t get back, but an explanation also can go a long way to easing someone’s pain.
I have been loved, I have known sorrow because of it, and that is sorrow that makes sense, therefore healing can begin. Sorrow coming from intentionally inflicted pain, is another matter altogether……