Nope not the end of the blog, but the end of my new book. I finished the first draft last night, and will now have to go through it to see what needs fixing. Today I feel a little sad. I have 2 people who volunteered to read it for me, tell me what they think. Mostly I wonder if there is value in sharing my story, who would want to read it and how it would help them. Should I publish it, or just put it away?
The day I began the book, I wrote 30+ pages in one afternoon, it seemed to just pour out of me. As I tried to go to sleep, the second thoughts crept in and discouraged me from going further. That night which just happened to be the night before I received my charging cable, I received a message. It came while I was doing my breathing exercises during another panic attack. “Write the book, you have the time. Write the book”. And so I have. I confess a good deal of it was already written for my first book “Finding Home”. However the idea was to incorporate new information received while staying here in Ecuador. The story is written from the perspective of the child and the adult as they find their way back to each other. The trauma created a void to wide for them to stay as one person throughout life. It occurred to me this is what many people who suffer trauma do when they lock memories away. When the pain is locked away, it begins a process of separating from self. The concept of Hansel and Gretel leaving the bread crumbs to find their way home comes to mind. The longer you are away from yourself, the more difficult it is to find home.
It seemed this was what Grama Grizzly meant when she told me my spirit was shattered into 1000 pieces. Each memory representing a damaged part of my spirit, hidden away so I couldn’t feel or see it. Unfortunately, this also meant I couldn’t truly heal those fractures. The healing began as the memories emerged from my locked room. During my 3 week super isolation period, I also had a major discover. Seeing a pattern I realized my panic attacks were connected to the emotions of the good memories about to surface. The good memories locked in with the bad made it near impossible to separate them. Yet this was necessary in order to truly heal, remember home, remember being loved.
I don’t seem to be able to let much out of my locked room at any given time. They come in bundles, my ability to face even the beauty of my history seems difficult. There is such a sense of loss, much more traumatic in some ways than I would have guessed. Love destroyed by hate, the intention cruel and unforgiving. So I suppose today marks an acknowledgement of the grief, as the book became something tangible, enough to share.
A friend told me today, public transportation may resume by the 15th of June. Also the owner of this property plans to move out here to make a serious effort towards the Hummingbird Project. If this is true, then the message to write my book while I had the time seems to fit this new timeline exactly right. Of course it would, this is the way of Spirit! So it seems if the book is meant to be, if if really can help others, then perhaps it will be made public in a bigger way In the near future……