Last week the family who are responsible for looking after the property where I am staying had to leave. Laura’s father needed help with his granadilla trees, so off they all went leaving me here on my own. While the quiet was at first very welcome, Elizabeth’s fears of theft weighed a bit heavy on my mind. When the darkness enveloped the place I realized there was not much I would be able to do if someone came onto the property prepared to take everything. It does happen here, has happened to 3 people I know, so this was something I had to work through. The dogs kept me awake for most of the night the first few days with their barking. There is a bit of comfort in their barking actually, it is when they stop that you wonder if they have just been poisoned. I looked to Mali on these nights as she was in the room with me. Her calmness helped to calm me as I realized she would be more alert if she felt any danger. By Saturday night, I found myself relaxed and slept through the night.
Laura did come back on Sunday, but was to leave again the next day – there was a lot of work to do. Elizabeth, still very concerned about her property asked her father to come and stay while Laura is away. He arrived Monday morning. I felt a degree of comfort in this because the longer this goes on, the more desperate some people may get. It seemed a good idea for another person to be here, and I was grateful for the help.
Yesterday however, that gratefulness became something else. Elizabeths father came to say hello in the morning and offered me some bananas, plantain and a different fruit which I have not yet tried. Again I was grateful because I do not have vegetables and was low on fruit. I had asked Susi to bring me some of her vegetables that I would buy, but she must get permission to leave her town on the mountain.
In the afternoon I was again visited by this man, who was asking me if I would like to join him for a small meal and coffee. I thought this was so nice of him, I had not shared a meal with anyone for some time. When I got to the kitchen however, I sensed there was a misunderstanding. There was no coffee, no meal. Thinking that perhaps it was just not ready I remained in the kitchen trying to have a conversation with him using my translator.
It has been quite cool of late, no sunshine, a lot of rain and cloud cover. So he shut the kitchen door to keep the room warmer. I felt uneasy, but could not really identify why. I certainly never expected what happened next to happen.
We were sitting on a bench, when suddenly he slid over to be right against me. Before I understood what was happening, his arm was around my shoulders in a very firm grip and he was kissing me on the face while his other hand went to my chest. I pushed his hand away and told him no, he tried again. Again I said no, as I pushed him away again, but he still did not release me from his grasp which held me firmly to my seat. I am sure I could have gotten up, if I had been angry, but something happened to me which I did not expect. I fell into a sort of silent retreat. I found myself back to a time when I was 11 years old in the front seat of a mustang as my brother in law forced his way onto me. I found myself at the age of 14, 15, 16 years of age, helpless once more at the continued advances of my brother in law.
I think had this man yesterday, become more forceful in his approach, I would have fought back more vigorously, but instead I explained that this was not right and no I was not comfortable with him hugging me or touching me. He moved away, made his apologies, explained he never intended to offend me. I made my excuses to leave and have stayed pretty much locked in my room since then.
When I was young, Denis apologized each time he made advances, and I always accepted them. I can’t explain why, but I felt sorry for him and we often shared a cigarette while we talked afterwards. I was always able to stop him from forcing me to comply, but the effects have remained from the vulnerability I felt from the experiences. Yesterday brought it all back, my mind does not seem to be coping very well with what happened. I am struggling to understand what made him think it was ok to call me his precious, tell me that it was out of love that this happened. He doesn’t even know me.
Nothing seems to have changed over the years, the ghosts of my past have returned to haunt me and I really do not understand. I am sharing this story, not because I want anyone to worry about me, but because it is part of my purpose to share my story. This has become part of my story, connected to a past I hoped was behind me.
Just as faced ridicule when I finally did disclose what Denis was doing, I feel this could happen here as well. What if this behaviour is acceptable here, what if no one believes me, what if they blame me as my family did back then for encouraging his advances. Who knows what he would say to defend himself. Now I am alone on this property with this man and I do not know for how long this will be. Just as I faced this alone as a child of 11, I am here now in a place I cannot leave. Even if I could leave I am not sure where I would go, how I would explain it. Surely I am stronger than that. Life and it’s twists and turns, often taking us completely by surprise, are on my mind as I think about what happened. What is it I need to learn from the reawakening of this part of my past. Can I come out of this experience with a new perception, greater understanding and forgiveness? I hope so…..I know there is a reason for everything, so I must see what I can gain from this unexpected turn.
Laura did not make it back today as she thought she would, so I pray it will be tomorrow. Once more I am so very grateful for my faithful companions who stand by me, protect me and comfort me. Tomorrow is a new day, a day something wonderful can happen……..