Patrick was an expert at deflecting, re-routing and ignoring. A very smart man, he was able to control pretty much any situation with his words and quick thinking. I could not compete with him. I do not want to compete with someone in this way………ever!! It seemed to me, I was meant to pay for his heart being broken by his girlfriend in England, where he lived for many years before meeting me. I was an experiment, an exercise in how to control and manipulate someone, the need to hurt me, the result of suffering in the same way himself.
Though I wanted to leave my marriage to him many times, my insecurities from years of being made to feel unwanted and unimportant stopped me in my tracks. He understood the significance of ignoring me, knowing how difficult it was for me to deal with on an emotional level. This was his weapon of choice when he wanted to make sure he won, because I was able at that time to play back our conversations lost word for word. My ability to remember in this way made it difficult for him to win any argument we had, so in retaliation he hid, refused to engage, until he felt I had learned my lesson. Because I needed him….. right? Couldn’t live without him….. right? He was everything to me….. right? My life was nothing without him…….right? The isolation from hours, often days as he chose not to speak to me, answer my questions, or acknowledge my presence put me in the room from my childhood, forced to wait and wait and wait for something, anything to happen. I cried, I screamed, I prayed and I wrote my feelings in my journals.
Looking back through the journals when I began to write my book, I was astounded at the terrible things I said about this man who I claimed to love at one time. This showed me how much I wanted to believe in my marriage, my ability to love him and have him love me. He has been gone a almost a year now, the longest period of time we have not seen or spoken to each other since we met over 30 years ago. Each day it gets easier to see the lie I lived inside with him. Each day it gets easier to see myself as being worthy of something more. Each day I find more strength in my conviction I deserve better. I know I never want to see him again.
Living with a man who played this game of cat and mouse with me for almost 30 years, I see absolutely no value in the need people have to control someone in this way. I see now that the only value I was to him was that my weakness (in his eyes) made him feel stronger. For someone to stay in a relationship when they do not respect the person they are with, indicates to me that I was needed only to make him feel better about himself.
My journey now is to feel better about who I am, learn to love myself and see my strengths and capabilities. This I do by myself for myself……