I Fell Into a Hole

I guess I should not be surprised that I fell into a hole after completing the posting of the book. I could feel myself slipping as the weeks brought me closer to the last day of posting, but I still hoped rather than fall, I would feel more celebratory. However the last few days were the hardest, leaving me to understand I had to walk away from everything for awhile.

In the days to follow I compared myself to a younger version (High School age) of myself at a party, shy and uncertain about being there. Drinking too much loosened my tongue and I felt I said way too much about myself. Once alone, time to think after the alcohol had worn off, images of making a fool of myself taking over. I could envision myself going to school the following day, nervous and embarrassed to face everyone who might have seen or heard me at the party. This imagined situation was a very good comparison to my feelings about the book, giving so many insights into my private space. It is easy to imagine you did everything wrong when no one says anything to you after stepping so far out on a limb. All the old fears and doubts about myself crept in and stayed for awhile.

Over the last month I have spent much of my time alone. Although I do not miss him, with Patrick gone there is no one to speak with on a regular basis, so I will go days, sometimes weeks without having a conversation in english. “The silence is deafening” – I can’t remember who said that, I think it was a line from a song, but I could see the truth in it’s meaning as day after day I spent most of my time in quiet reflection. Forced into a situation, the details of which I am not ready to explain here, I stayed, knowing in my heart I had something to work through and must remain to see it to the end. Fortunately, I love this place, my temporary home, and I believe it is no accident to find myself here. Truthfully, I cannot imagine a better place to fall apart, no judgment……

At first the silence was welcome, embarrassed by my overwhelming “show of self”. I spent time by the river, drew pretty much every day, went on my run and had my one meal a day. There is an older man who lives about 5 miles away from here, who came to check on me coming or going from town, our visit a welcome break in my day. He is an ex-pat from the States, 80 years old and has lived here quite a long time. I welcomed his visits, enjoying the ease of being able to speak english. I have not seen him for almost 3 weeks now and so that is how long it has been since I spoke with anyone in english. As the days went by I knew I was sliding into that dark space reminiscent of my past. The inner voices telling me I will never be successful, I am best at being a failure and being alone is the answer, that way you cannot be hurt or abandoned again. I worked hard against falling into the familiar pattern, but I think when you have no one to talk to It There is an additional level of difficulty.

Oscillating from very positive confident moments to the depths of despair, I eventually began to see the silence and my situation for what it was “the Dark Night of the Soul”. Knowing I could not be in a better place for this to happen, everything was just as it should be, I accepted I had to face my dragon, lose everything, let go of all I believed in and just be empty. I fasted for a few days, I prayed and tried to meditate and then I had a very good cry. I sobbed and sobbed, admitting my fears, accepting I may not make it past this point; perhaps I wasn’t meant to…… When I had finished, I sat in silence by the river, throwing flowers into the water; a symbol of my willingness to let go of the outcome.

It has been several days since my breakdown, but I feel much stronger because of it. I am learning to trust and believe in myself, something I have not really been able to do with great conviction. Who I was when I was born, that person disappeared for so much of my life, a happy beautiful life torn apart by events and people. I am learning once again to understand who she is, learning to trust that I can become the person I was born to be, whatever that means. It seems to me this is an amazing gift; to be given this wonderful opportunity, a gift not to be squandered!

To accomplish much you must first lose everything.”  Che Guevara

I have joy in my heart and look around me to see an amazing place, amazing people and find myself believing in this moment at least, that I am accepted – I belong. Live in the moment, trust in your instincts and believe in you…trying to control the future only leads to disappointment. This is what I am learning to accept.