Face to Face

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For many years, until very recently actually, I was uncomfortable looking in the mirror. I always felt the person looking back was not accurate representation of who I was. In the same way, how I felt when I was dancing, preparing for the year end performance, the image in my mind was quite different from what I saw on the videos taken of the performance. Now is that because our pre-determined images cloud our judgement when we look in the mirror or see the pictures/videos? Or is it because we want to believe the impression of how we think we should look be what we see? For me, I think I wanted to see someone different, someone better, this coming from a small fractured understanding I was supposed to be someone else.

Do we become by osmosis the person we are continually told we are, our features distorted by negative comments on one hand, or enhanced by positive ones? There are those who just know they are beautiful/handsome, they wear it with great confidence; it is those people I am most afraid of. My insignificance seems reflected in their eyes, my imperfections so obvious, making it difficult to be around them. Years of being told things like “You’re so ugly we have to tie a bone to your leg to get a dog to play with you” ring in my ears. I stumble, I lose my ability to think, confidence out the window. Being around people is the most difficult challenge I face each day. Yet I love people, am fascinated by the diversity of personalities and characteristics. I truly enjoy talking to people, but my fear keeps them at a distance whenever possible.

I have seen faces of men and women here as I walk the streets of Otavalo who appear to have been photoshopped, they are so perfect. It is difficult not to stare as you notice them, the moment surreal as they pass. Is it a blessing or a curse to have such beauty? Better yet, who decided the parameters of beauty, and why do we place so much value on it? I have always felt lucky, able to hide in plain sight, easily forgotten. But it is not a healthy perspective, just one born of necessity.

Life seems to come so easy for some, the complexities of my world foreign to them. I do envy those who do not understand, wishing to be more like them sometimes. The desire to be normal, to mingle, to be unafraid to go places, is strong in me, but the ghosts usually win. As the woman in the video says, seeing yourself in a negative way affects so many of your choices and decisions. Those of us with this affliction called PTSD are hampered by our fears, what is easy for others can be devastating for us. Just the very thought of having to make certain choices overwhelms.

I believe the video was so important for me to see again, because I was reminded, that I am not alone. Even those who were so obviously beautiful to me in the short clip, suffered in the same way I do. Unless we hear the stories from those who suffered trauma, we cannot appreciate the difficulties associated with their experiences. So just seeing someone does not necessarily give us a complete picture. Many of us are experts at hiding our fears behind a big smile. After my marriage failed, I realized it was better to be alone, not willing to suffer another loss connected to misunderstanding.

Many are not willing to bring up the past, so of course, we are left to wonder. For me, understanding I must go through this, knowing locking away the memories did not get rid of them, helps me face myself in the mirror today. Seeing the video reminded me others do not necessarily see us the same way. We make our imperfections more important than they are, sometimes until they are all we see. Waking straighter, conscious of returning to my perfect ballet posture, is an indication of self appreciation beginning to set in. Folding in on myself in order to conceal my presence became my protector, a habit which is now best left in the past. These habits born out of necessity, change our appearance – the light of our personalities growing dimmer as a result.

Continually when on a day out, I marvel at the amazing people walking the streets. Watching them as they go about their day is one of my pleasures. Like the scene from a play, they seem completely unconcerned about missing teeth, scars, bare feet, or on the opposite spectrum, the perfect face, and everything in between. I envy them…….