From Bad to Amazing; an Experience Never to be Forgotten – part 1

Last week the adventure began with a trip to Cotacachi to see the dentist. Actually a couple days before I went, I woke up in the middle of the night, experiencing a panic attack. I thought I was dying, having a heart attack – and so afraid to lay down and close my eyes once the dizziness began, I paced. I did not realize it was a panic attack at the time, the symptoms reminding me of anaphylactic shock, with the muscles in my legs turning to jelly and the feeling of passing out frightening me, among them. I ended up walking on the sidewalk outside my room from 1:30 am until 5:00 am before I finally felt my legs an arms return to normal, and the dizziness leave me. At last I was able to sleep.

My tooth had been bothering me for a couple of weeks, the swelling in my jaw telling me I had an infection. The problem was there was a tooth issue on the other side of my mouth as well, making it very difficult to eat and perhaps this was the source of my panic attacks. I was afraid of going to the dentist here because I did not know who to trust. A recommendation is always important for me in situations like this. Charles had meant to stop in a few times for a visit, during the week, but was having trouble with his quad and never made it. He’s kind of my go to guy for these sorts of issues because he has been here the longest of anyone I know and he has good connections with the people in town. I felt he would give a reliable recommendation. Every time I called him however, he was in Apuela, and so alI could do was wait for him to stop in, but it was not to be.

I had also planned a trip to the Thursday market in Cotacachi, with the intention of staying overnight at Kayanna’s house, her partner Louis would bring me there, leaving Wednesday and coming back Friday morning. I wrote to tell her I felt it was not a good idea for me to come because of the way I felt. Her home had been broken into the week before and there was “chaos” as she said, because of it – I did not want to add to their stress. But she talked me into coming, making an appointment with her dentist for the day I would arrive at 5:00 pm. It seemed perfect, and so I accepted the offer.

Everything went really well, I got to the dentist, who did a filling on one side of my mouth, and tried to do another where the infection was. For the first time in a week, I was able to chew and eat a meal. He was unsuccessful with the second one, and I made an appointment for the next morning at 9:30 – hopefully I would get to the market as well. But Louis and Kayanna made it complicated, they are a very disorganized couple, the plans changing at the last minute, as is quite common with them. I left them at the market, not having enough time to get what I wanted, and walked to my appointment. The tooth had to be pulled because the infection had gone into the bone, so I accepted the consequences of not having the courage to do something about it sooner.

Thursday morning, we learned about the strike and the gas prices rising dramatically. Louis and Kayanna both went into survivor mode, deciding not to attempt getting back to Apuela because of the road blocks. Charles and another couple were also in Cotacachi that day, both returned home without incident. It seemed we were going to be stuck though. By Friday morning, my hosts had both become paranoid, sure there would be ‘looting’ and violence. I did not share their concerns, but then, I had never experienced a situation like this. I chose to be positive, they chose to be pessimistic.

Being in kayanna’s home is not easy for me; one or two nights is about all I can handle. She is a very disorganized and terribly messy at all times. Her kitchen is never clean and this is difficult for me to deal with. I am not perfect by any means when it comes to cleaning, but clutter is somewhat of a large trigger for me, and functioning becomes just about impossible. Friday morning she invited someone for coffee, we were introduced, and without warning she told this lady my story. It was done abruptly, with (in my opinion) sarcasm. It felt as though she was trying to embarrass me, something she apologized for later that day.

Now worried about food shortages, the strike and protests looking as though they could go on for weeks, they decided to get to the bank (in case the machines went down), and buy extra food, etc. Kayanna asked me to stay at the house (if you don’t need anything….) because she would feel safer after her recent break-in if I remained there in case they came back. And I’m thinking “how very nice of you to put me in that situation’, but declined, saying I also needed to get to the bank. Things just went downhill from there.

She seems to take pleasure in making me feel as though I am incapable of something like making coffee, asking me Saturday morning if I knew how because she had too much on her mind to look after me. I responded by telling her I was not a child and could take care of myself, not too worry. Going into the kitchen a short time after to make a coffee for myself, I lost my appetite as well as the desire for a coffee. The pictures below show you the constant state of her kitchen – as you can see it is very difficult to work in.

Between the snide remarks, the insults and the horrible mess in the kitchen – I declined the food offered. There wasn’t a clean surface anywhere, which made me feel boxed in. I had gone into protective mode and knew I needed to find a way home – I prayed for a way to leave, knowing I would go crazy if I had to remain here for much longer. After my decision not remain at the house on Friday, they no longer asked me if I wanted or needed to go with them. Nothing was discussed with me about the situation, and every time I asked, I was told they couldn’t know what would happen or when we would be able to get back to Apuela. Yet they talked between themselves, with friends, sharing little information with me, although I shared whatever I learned from messages received. They gave little comfort to this quest of theirs, someone who had never been through this type of experience. Remaining in my own space allowed me to center and therefore not panic.

Friday I had sent a message to Maria and Javier to see how they were, and was surprised to hear Javier would be in Otavalo on Saturday. He called me on whatsapp but I could not understand what he was saying with assurance, so we communicated through Kayanna, who speaks spanish. During their conversation she explained she had a friend who just arrived from Alaska and after a difficult experience getting from the airport in Quito to Otavalo, was now trying to get to Cotacachi. Without hesitation, Javier offered to bring her on his bike, sure he could get through the road blocks. This was an exciting prospect and we agreed to discuss it in the morning, after her friend thought about the offer.

Javier called again Saturday to see if kayanna’s friend had decided to make the journey with him, but she had not. His plan was to stay overnight in Otavalo, returning to Apuela Sunday. Javier wasn’t planning on coming to Cotacachi, it was just out of kindness that he offered, so I wanted to make sure he knew as soon as possible what the decision was Sunday morning, so he could get on the road. I explained what I learned to Kayanna who said she would get the answer for me right away, however after 2 hours, she had not given me the answer. Worrying about Javier and his need to get going, I went and asked her. I am not sure how long she had know her friend was not going to take the offer, but that she waited to be asked gave me a clear indication of her disregard of Javier’s needs. She had just forgot to tell me, her friends situation, the only one that mattered to her. That was the final straw for me, I understood this was not a person, I could be friends with anymore. All I could do was apologize for her rudeness, and pray he got home safely to his family……He did!

For days I listened to their conversations, centered around their hate for muslims and gays. Friday night they wanted me to listen to talk shows, the hosts “knowing what really is going on in the world“. So I tried, but I found their need to spew hatred and anger, difficult to understand and began searching for diversions on my ipad, attempting to block out the energy in the room. We do not believe in the same things, do not share the same way of thinking, time with them was not enjoyable.

Monday morning I was asked if would like to help them deliver food to the indigenous people heading to Quito for the protests. I of course was willing and packaged up, as requested of me, small grocery bags with a variety of items for them. They thought they were meant to meet their contacts at the square outside the mayor’s office, but this had been a mistake. While they went to ask where to go, I also got out of the truck to wait for the answer. Louis came back first and told me they were meant to go to a location on the highway, He ordered me to stay where I was at the square, it was too dangerous to allow me to join them. Confused, having been invited to help, I asked why it was more dangerous for me than them, I was willing to go, but he would not explain or discuss it with me. They just got in the truck and drove off leaving me to wonder when they would be back. His extreme fear about the situation putting the idea in my mind there was a possibility they may not return at all. So who was in a dangerous situation now? I thought. I knew getting back to the house was possible, but it was in a locked, gated community. I had no one to contact for help, nor did I have a key – I was not in a good situation if they did not return.

I walked around for about 20 minutes, then sat on a bench outside the government building and waited. I was joined by a woman, an ex-pat from the USA and we had an interesting chat. In the middle of our conversation, I saw Louis’ truck pull up about 4 car lengths away from me. I got up immediately and was just saying good-bye to this woman when they drove off again without a word. So I sat down, bewildered once more, then continued my conversation, now wondering why they left and when they would be back, if at all. About 10 minutes later they pulled up again across the street, so I made a faster exit from my conversation, running over to the truck.

The moment I got the door closed, Louis began to yell at me. I had put them in danger by not getting in the truck fast enough, did I not understand that? Now I am confused by this statement, as I see no obvious threat, and I have no idea why he is so scared. So I began to say, that is was ok though for them to leave me without any understanding of how long I would be waiting, no explanation about what was going on faced with the idea they may not return, when he cut me off. Screaming at me, he reached back grabbed me by the hair, yanking me towards him with his right hand, his left hand pulled back in a fist ready to punch me in the face.

Kayanna was saying nothing, doing nothing, I was alone in my confusion. I began to yell back, ordering him to get his hands of me and to stop yelling at me. This only infuriated him more, so after he let go of my hair, I said I would not speak to him, but he continued to yell at me “Do you understand?” These people hate ‘gringos’ and would think nothing of killing us – it was a life or death situation and was just a stupid F…g bitch who put us all in danger by not listening to him. “Do you understand?” He said over and over and over……No I did not understand, but he yelled at me all the way back to the house, saying if I wasn’t going to participate, I had to leave. My mind was made up the instant he let go of my hair – I would pack my things and start walking to Apuela.

The moment the door to the house was open, I went directly to my room and began to pack. I had no idea how I would make it, it had to be at least a 4 day walk, maybe more. I hadn’t eaten since Friday evening, so that would make it harder with the weight I would be carrying, but I didn’t care. While I was gathering my things, Kayanna came in and for some reason thought it would help to explain Louis had never been violent with her in the year they have been together. He has PTSD, said in a way suggesting his was real and mine was not. Did she really believe this would make a difference? That I would be comfortable under the same roof with this man because she was defending him? As I walked out of my room with my belongings, Louis came at me again looking as though he was going to grab me, yelling obscenities at me. I was a stupid F…g Canadian bitch who put everyone in danger because I was so stupid. I didn’t understand anything, I was just too self absorbed, too selfish and therefore unable to care about anyone else. Meanwhile Kayanna is telling me again Louis has PTSD, as if that justified his behaviour. Mali and I left, but not before I told them both, they had no idea what I had been through, did not understand how I coped with my trauma, what I was capable of dealing with, but Louis would not listen, he just kept throwing insults at me.

As I walked down the road, I thought about the things he said, I worried that I was selfish, maybe not in this situation, but in general. I fought back the tears as I walked into a situation I could not predict the outcome of. The prospect of staying with them was far more daunting than continuing to walk forward. The way he spoke of the people here, the idea I would have a machete in my back before too long seemed imminent. I fought back the tears, they would only steal my energy. My mind could not accept the things he was saying, but I let the arguments play out in my thoughts, they gave me the strength to take another step.

Smile after smile greeted me as I made my way up the mountain roads heading first to Quiroga. I hoped to get a snack at least, some water and some help, but everything for the most part was closed. It felt like 4:00 in the afternoon, but it was only about 11:00, I was amazed. Many people asked me where I was going – I told them, the amazement clear on their faces. I was walking to Apuela. Yes I was alone, no there was no car to meet me, and yes this was my dog, my companion. Did they admire my courage or did they think me crazy? It didn’t matter, for the first time in my life I had resolved the idea no one would ever treat me as those people did again. No one would be allowed to hurt me that way anymore. I was stronger for the experience and I would soon find out, much richer.

I found an Internet cafe open, and hoped to get wifi so I could send a few messages, letting people know what I was planning. Part of me hoped someone would be able to come and get me, but this was impossible. They had run out of gasoline in Apuela, so driving would be a luxury at this point, coming to get me would be too much of a risk. Louis words ringing in my ear, I knew I would not ask anyone for help. The young man at the cafe was so kind and very thoughtful. When he understood I would be walking, he went upstairs to get me a cup of water, then realized someone else needed a drink, and brought a bowl of water for Mali. A truck/taxi driver stopped by and when he understood where I was going, suggested I find someone with a motorcycle at the plaza to take me home. When I explained my dog was with me, he said “no problem, you can carry her”. That produced many scenarios in my mind, all of them ending in an accident of varying seriousness. But it seemed better than walking, the lack of calories over the last few days taking its toll, making it difficult to carry the weight up such steep slopes.

So I said my thank you’s, loaded up, and began to walk once more. There was no one with a bike at the plaza – I think I was relieved. Not once during this time did I feel threatened, rather, the people I met were very helpful, showed concern, and were just nice. I began to believe I could do this. The route home is known to me because of the many times I have travelled it by bus. I was painfully aware of the climb I was having to face right away, but I thought…..”I am in no hurry, I will stop as often as I need to. One woman stopped to talk to me where I had sat down to take a break, wanting me to join her, her way of supporting me. I truly appreciated the kindness, but I was not yet ready to get up, knowing I would not be able e to keep her pace as I watched her go on her way.

Seeing the first roadblock ahead, I had a bit of a twinge in my gut, wondering if they would let me pass, or make trouble. When I got to the row of men sitting on a log, the kids playing on two other logs that made a temporary see-saw, I could not help but smile and take pleasure at what I was seeing. As I passed, I put up my fist and said “Viva la Revolucíon”. They smiled back at me – maybe they thought I was a stupid Canadian woman, but I didn’t care, it felt good to say it. There was a bus stop ahead with a bench and I had my eye on the end of that bench, knowing I had to stop once more.

There were 3 grandmothers sitting there, and they moved over for me to join them. It took me quite awhile to slow my heart rate down, my shoulders already feeling the pain from my 2 packs. Many people passed by, some walking to Apuela, inviting me to join them. Where was the hatred towards “gringos” that Louis insisted would greet me? I wondered. So far there was nothing but acceptance and understanding. I noticed also, there was no apology for the inconvenience they were creating, something as I watched the people, had great importance. Their reasons were justified, the importance of their task very great.

An interesting coincidence?

It seems now as I reflect on my time in Cotacachi, there was a rather interesting coincidence. When I arrived on Wednesday afternoon, and while in conversation with Kayanna while waiting for the dentist, I told her a story from my past. Every time I see her she asks me about Patrick, have I heard from him, did I know where he was. Each time I give the same answer – “No I will never hear from him again”. Each time she seems disappointed to hear this. So this time I told her about the time our family travelled to Vancouver to visit my adopted parents. Our reasons for this trip based on an attempt to obtain information regarding the strange dreams I was having, the idea Duncan and Helen had not been my parents. It was a long shot, but something I felt I must try in order to make sense of the information coming to me in my dreams. We drove from Creston, B.C., stayed in a campground outside the city, and were to meet Duncan and Helen at Stanley Park near the zoo, Saturday after lunch. When we arrived, Duncan and Helen were there waiting, and we all got out of the car. Once we were all away from the car, Patrick picked Lucas up, put him back in the car and drove off without saying a word to me. He was gone and I had no idea if he would come back for me and my 3 children. I was in shock, unsure of what just happened, but somehow managed to put a smile on my face and act as though nothing was wrong. I was stuck in a situation involving 2 people who’s presence was not a comfort to me, with no idea how long I would have to carry on the pretence, no way to reach Patrick, and only about $20.00 in my pocket. I was trying to have a decent conversation with these people, trying to think of ways to kill time, remain close to where we were so abruptly abandoned, and not allow the children to see my fear.

I ended up walking back with Duncan and Helen to their apartment, politely refusing their invitation to come in, and then walking back to the park. At that time we had the first version of a cell phone, it was called a bag phone. I can’t remember why I had difficulty reaching Patrick on it, perhaps it had something to do with us having recently moved from Alberta and there would be long distance charges, but in honesty I cannot remember. In any case, I had to speak with the operator for a considerable amount of time, explaining my situation in order to at last reach him on the bag phone. The zoo would be closing soon and I had nowhere to go.

It is strange to realize now, that I had no idea if he would have come back for me had I not been able to reach him. I made the best of the time while we waited for him to pick us up, going back into the zoo and exploring the gift shop. We bought some small mementoes with the little bit of money we had and waited. It was sunset when he arrived and we made our way back. At the time I for some reason had felt empowered by my ability to handle Duncan and Helen during the time spent with them. I had felt in control of the situation with them, so was in a good space when Patrick arrived. I should have been so angry at him, but wasn’t, my ability to handle the situation with grace perhaps overshadowing the need to be angry. This is something I have always done – appreciating the positive outcome, the silver lining…..

It was an odd sensation to realize the similarity of what happened with Patrick so many years ago in the story I told Kayanna, and the situation Louis and her put me. A coincidence such as this leaves me to ponder the possibility, it was an intentional act meant to in-still enough fear to make me subservient. If they had known me better, they would have realized how foolish their idea was. But then people often make the mistake of thinking they understand me, understand how I will react. I may have a great many reasons to be afraid, the triggers are many, but I am not a coward. And while I may be naive, wanting always to see the good in situations, I am not stupid, my understanding of how awful the world can be much deeper than most could realize.

While Louis understandably has PTSD from his years of fighting, it was he who chose to put on a uniform and carry a gun. I was a child of 2 forced to endure the cruelty of men who wore uniforms and carried guns, the choice was never mine. The irony of this realization was of great interest to me, knowing it could have been someone just like him inflicting the pain on me. We are in a sense mirror images of each other. As I walked, I began to ponder a world where men said “No” to putting on the uniform , “No” to carrying the gun, being part of a situation they didn’t completely understand. However, while I did not belittle his experiences, he made it clear he felt mine were of little value. It is his mistake to underestimate my capabilities because of what he sees on the outside. But then, the outside was all he wanted to see.