Boundaries

I do not expect anyone to understand what it was like to grow up as I did. The simple things most take for granted gone. Common practices of a normal family becoming so foreign, the feelings associated with them not to be remembered. 

Love, family, protection, the security of a safe home, trust, the comfort of belonging and understanding. How do you imagine those things not existing in your life? I cannot imagine having them.

Boundaries are something most of us understand, personal boundaries, but maybe we cannot always hold the lines we accepted at one time. Life has a way of changing our attitudes and opinions, our lessons as we age changing the guidelines once thought important. Some of my boundaries are very strict, perhaps too much so, while others seem to waver easily as I give into requests from others. My desire to help others often clouding my judgement. Those wavering lines cause the walls of the other boundaries to harden even more due to feelings of being taken advantage of. My own fault yes, something I continue to work on.  Yet there is an understanding within me, this is the way I test people. 

Music is frequency and frequency affects how we think and behave. It also can change our moods, making our day more or less effective. Consider if you will, how one song coming on the radio can make you suddenly want to jump up and dance, crank up the radio and share the good vibes you’re experiencing. Then another song makes you want to put your fist through a wall (Adele’s voice does that to me). We all have different tastes, yes, but we must also consider the use of programming, something developed over the years once they learned how effective subliminal messaging was for increased sales. Do you remember that? I do, it was quite a scandal to realize there were hidden messages in your tv show encouraging you to buy certain products. Well radio programming works in the same way. You hear a song 10 times a day and you begin to sing it even if you don’t like it. Since coming here and not being exposed to the radio, I have stopped waking up with songs in my head that I would never listen to. Nor do they just pop into my head during the day when I am working or thinking, or whatever. This is an interesting revelation for me, one I am very happy to understand. Unwanted songs pushed into your mind by means of radio, has created a monster of sorts. 

I remember a time when my adopted brother Neil was driving me to my ballet class, music playing, the sound of “Yes” and the lead singer Jon Anderson coming over the speakers. At the time for reasons I could not comprehend, the sound of Jon Andersons voice put me into a state of fear and panic. My heart rate would go up and I could feel myself begin to panic. I had an irresistible urge to jump out of the car, a rather extraordinary response, I think. Often I have wondered about this, the tone of his voice affecting me this way. Today I have his music in my collection, his vocal sound no longer a bother to me. I couldn’t back then, nor can I today, listen to the “Beatles” either. Bob Dylan’s voice also a complete irritant to me, gating on my nerves, although his songs were meaningful I think for the most part anyway. Of course I cannot be sure as I could not listen to his albums. But my brothers loved both of these artists and often played their records. But that was a matter of taste, not quite the same as what I experienced with the sound of Jon Andersons’ voice. 

It has occurred to me over the years, the frequency of his voice triggered a response from something I experienced while under duress during the years I was held captive.  That I am able to enjoy his music now is, for me, an indication of how far on my healing journey I have come, a milestone of sorts. It also signals the importance of frequency and music, the role it plays in our lives without us being aware. Most of us remember the revelatory “Pavlovian Response”, something I feel is connected to radio, tv and ‘programming’. We associate sights, sounds, body language, tone of voice and smell with memories, good or bad. I have come to understand the delicate balance of these sensory triggers and how they affect my well being. Something we all perhaps could be more aware of. 

After watching the videos throughout the day yesterday, then posting them last night and hearing the quality of the music, seeing the originality, the professionalism and most importantly, the lack of ego, I felt justified in my opinion. When Michael Jacksons music videos came out, such as Thriller, I ate them up. They were like mini movies, very original, beautifully choreographed and quite addicting. He started a trend, but it quickly veered left, steering us towards pumped up singers wearing too much make-up, very little clothing and way too much ego. The music became all about the face of the singer and isn’t he/she gorgeous and aren’t they sexy!! While the face of the artist became more the focus, the music silently slipped into aggravated monotony. The youth (in particular) listening, have developed an unhealthy affection for the artists, placing them on pedestals, mimicking their style as best they can, as if they are truly worthy of it. But they are not – idolizing another only deters us from our own uniqueness 

I have seen the music videos from here, which are very like  those from North America. They are selling the sex, not the sizzle,  because there is no sizzle. The music if flat, repetitive and quite boring. Every song sounds the same, and I believe the need to crank ‘er up, is the only way they can feel anything from it. The vibration of the base at high volume coursing through their bodies give them the impression it is worth listening to. Someone here told me that in order to create a good song, you must incorporate 3 important aspects to the music – beat, rhythm and melody. The music, at least in this area, lacks melody. 

The other weekend, I met 2 men visiting Apuela from a different area of Ecuador. They stayed over for the two nights, and after conferring in the mornings, we learned all 3 of us were kept awake for most of those nights from the pounding music being played. While visiting over lunch Saturday, they said they do not like the music from this area, they prefer the salsa music from their region. I have since talked to others visiting me who are in agreement with this assessment – they do not enjoy the music here.

 I have been forced many days to listen to the songs they ‘adore’ as they play them over and over and over. I have reached the point where I can no longer listen to one phrase of a song they play; my headphones get placed in my ears as soon as I can reach them. Agitated, this is the best description for what I feel when I hear their music now.  It grates on my nerves, tolerated for a time, but my limit has been reached.

Yesterday I drowned myself in the music I discovered, allowing it to repair the damage to my body for a second weekend of the endless boom, boom, boom for as much as 10 hours in a row. I don’t think those gentlemen I met, would be too eager to stay here again based on their experience, and I know if I had had somewhere to go, I too would have left. 

Music and the capability to play it over huge speakers, has become a distraction, a reason to hope, at least this is what I believe. They see those young people who ‘have made it’, and they aspire to the ideal of their success. One cannot blame them for being  enamoured with such ideas, but the distraction actually stops them from thinking for themselves, keeping them tied to an idea that is not feasible. In my mind this is perhaps not healthy. In order to feel something, much like a substance addict, they push back the boundaries separating them from people like me. This lack of consideration for another’s personal space, is unhealthy as well, in my opinion. Boundaries are more important for some of us than others, based on our experiences in life, the importance understanding this is becoming obvious as the differences of the world crowds in around us. As with religion, politics, health or anything we have great love for, when we push it onto someone else requiring them to ‘love it’ also, we break personal boundaries or barriers and I think most of us find this difficult. There was a time when ‘personal space’ was respected; can we get back to to this idea? The choice is ours…….

Of course this idea of playing the piano in a public space, unplanned, unadvertised, is also a breaking of boundaries. However I see the importance of several differences. There are no loud speakers, therefor the music won’t carry too far, it is only one song, not several, and you can stay and enjoy as some did, or walk on by, as did others. It is, in my opinion, entertainment and no one is being jolted out of their bed, or having their work space invaded. There is innovation in the idea, but respect for the possibility is may not be well received, and therein lies the difference of blurring the lines slightly verses purposely forcing them back and too bad, so sad for you if you don’t like it.