About Father again
November 1, 2002
I was lying awake in bed, unable to sleep. My eyes were closed, but suddenly I began to see faces flash in front of my eyes. The images were all men’s faces in black and white. I could not remember the names, but I was able to recognize them because they were well known.
There was another face I thought I knew, but I could not see his entire face. I was sure it was my birth father, but I could only see him from his mouth to just above his eyes. There was a very strong feeling attached to this mans face and I understood it was dangerous for me to know his identity.
At times like this when I would get warning signs about my heritage, my birth parents, I could not imagine why it was so dangerous to know who they were. I was never a person who followed the news or paid attention to the rich and powerful.
I was never interested in the makings of the great machine we live in or the battles fought to sustain it. It all seemed so senseless to me. I remember as a child I would close my eyes and cover my ears if I was in the vicinity of TV while the news was on. I could not tolerate hearing or seeing the results of such cruelty in man.
As an adult I still have difficulty watching or listening to the news. How does one think positively when allowing so much negativity in? So it comes as no surprise to me I could not identify my parents, my father in particular. I simply did not follow the stories that would have identified him to me. It makes sense to me now I was simply not ready to face the truth of my past and all it entails.
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