There are times when I cannot hear or see what is right in front of me, which I suppose sounds strange, but it is a true and often frustrating phenomenon. It is not unreasonable to assume everyone at some time in their life has experienced this, but for me it is can happen any day at any time. And often does. If I am stressed, even if I can hide my discomfort physically with a smile, a practiced response, I cannot stop my mind from having a short circuit. But when stressed, looking at a page I am supposed to understand is pointless because I see no words. It is blank. The brain freezes and my ability to react properly in certain situations becomes impossible. It’s like you go into a black hole for a short time, nothing gets in.
I have noticed this when someone speaks spanish to me, expecting me to understand. My mind just shuts down for those minutes while they are speaking. It has recently occurred to me, this is likely due to trauma connected to speaking this language as a child, because for some reason, I finally connected the response with other times this freeze happens to me. In my past when someone has gone to strike me as happened a few times in both of my marriages, as well as when I was a child, everything in my mind shuts down. I could compare myself to a rag doll, accepting what is sure to come, unable to defend myself. In contrast if you were to attempt the same act against my child, you had better be prepared for a serious reaction.
I can only imagine the severity of what was done to me, which created the room in which those acts were filed away. Not being able to remember is a blessing, but also a curse as it also prevents one from letting it go. The trapped memories still affecting your ability to accept a full life. I am reminded of a “Freeze Frame” effect, a similar feeling as your mind goes into slow motion, then stops.
I watched this happen with Mali yesterday while we were walking up the hill for our run. A motorcycle came around the bend in the road, she was on one side and I the other. I saw the bike first, she had her nose buried in the grasses, curious about something. Should I call her over? Or just leave her be? With just a second or two to decide, I felt it was better if she was beside me, but when I called, she looked up and hesitated. Concerned she would make her move too late, I ran to her. For some reason this made her panic, the confusion on her face obvious. Perhaps she thought she had done something wrong, although I can’t imagine what, but my sudden move going to her, caused a chain reaction. I got to her about the exact same time the bike was passing and she turned around as I tried to grab her collar and backed right into it. The bike hit her. The driver was able to remain on his bike, but he did swerve dangerously because of Mali. She yelped, and my mind just shut down, Mali the only thing of importance to me. It was not until I began to run once more, that I realized I had not looked back to see if the driver was ok. He could have lost control and gone over the hill and I would not have known. Everything but Mali was gone into the black hole.
I don’t know if my actions made the situation better or worse, but had she decided to make her move to come to me after the hesitation, she would have run right into the bike. I can just never know if she would have chose to stay put. In my experience, I have noticed she also goes into a black hole when in a dangerous situation, seeing only me, oblivious to what is happening around her. I am willing to bet she did not know the bike was there until she hit it. What happened to her as a puppy to cause a similar reaction? It is difficult to know, but loud or angry voices, sudden movements or loud bangs cause her to react as I do. We are on parallel paths her and I, something becoming more obvious, the more time I spend with her.
Assuming the driver of the bike was fine – he did not stop to check on us either, I am grateful the ending did not result in serious injury. Mali is not even limping today, so I have much to be thankful for.
I think it must be very difficult for those who have not experienced severe trauma, to understand how this can be a repeating cycle. Why we don’t just get over it. Thinking about letting go of searching for help regarding my book, my past or what could have happened, made me realize other than the first 2 years of my life, I have never not been in fight or flight mode. I actually do not know what a normal life is, how it should feel. Everyone I know has led what I consider to be “a normal life”. They progress through school, get a good job, meet someone they eventually marry, have children, stay together, or not, following a plan they made. Yes the plan may vary, there are difficult times, maybe even scary times, loss of life, serious illness, all the normal aspects of life, but they progress all the same, retirement plans, children getting married, grandkids they enjoy spending time with, etc.
My plan changed so many times, due to circumstances often out of my control, no nest egg, almost paid for home, car, or the comforts of a settled, even predictable life. I have never met my grandchildren, my children are gone from my life (save Lucas), unpredictability all I know and understand. The “Plan of a normal life” I knew for a few short years disappearing with the knowledge I did not exist. (* see “Passport” in “Finding Home”).
What is hidden behind the blinds of that “perfect lifestyle”? Is there life closer to mine than any of us could know? I imagine the answer to that question can be yes, many of us have become experts at hiding the difficulties of our lives. I wonder how different things could have been had it not been taboo to speak about what was happening to me. But then who would I have told? Would they have believed me? Today perhaps. We are better equipped to understand what happens behind the closed doors of many homes, but this is strangely discomforting. It seems while we weren’t looking the world became a playground for the abusers. It is time to turn that around with compassion and understanding, this is the message I keep hearing as I hear the messages around me.
What if we could face our abusers without hate or anger? Would they melt into the ground, their power over us, over our ability to love ourselves once more dissolving with them. Rather than wishing them harm, we could hope they find and understand what it means to be loved so deeply there is no room in your heart for anger and hate. Each day as I watch Sapphire glide past me, wherever I am, as these thoughts swirl in my mind, I am convinced this was why my father came to me over the years. He was teaching me, reminding me the power of love defeats our enemies, as he revealed himself to me slowly over the years. A bullet may end their life, but did they leave their body with forgiveness or regret?
Today as I walk through my day, I realize I must find a way to love the many who, all this time, I felt did not deserve to receive my love. As each day goes by, lessons learned as I paste together the pieces of myself, teach me hating who they are or what they did, will only keep me in that circle. Leaving the circle then, is most beneficial. My journey continues…….
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