Since arriving here, I have not left the hostel for more than the day, once spending the night in Quito months ago. Last week however, I was invited to go to a gringo’s house in Cotacachi, leaving Thursday, coming back Monday (yesterday). Not being very comfortable staying in someone else’s home, or even being away from this place for so long makes it difficult to accept an offer such as this. Years ago, this would not have happened, my discomfort far too great, my worry about offending them with my unpredictable emotions, a trigger in itself causing panic. I have been restless during the last week or so which prompted me to to push against those fears, in the end deciding to go.
I was picked up mid afternoon on a cloudy uneventful day. Mali was put in the back of the truck, something I had worried about as I lay awake the night before, imagining the worst. She did not want to get in, giving me more cause to be concerned about her. She never complained about getting into the back of the truck in the past when we took short trips in the area, her reluctance now something foreign. I rode in the front seat, for the first time taking this trip through the mountains in such a position and this worried me also. Seeing the road and all it’s imperfections, as well as getting a clear view of the deep valleys was a new experience. Mali and I both facing our fears, a boundary between us because not everyone can understand the importance of our connection. I find myself continually in circumstances which have been pushing both Mali and myself to grow in this way. I have begun to see this adventure as an experiment for me, a journey perhaps preparing me for a future I would never have contemplated.
While the mountain passes in Canada are also difficult for me to deal with, those roads do not have level of erosion which is prevalent here. One often has to almost stop in several paces in order to get through the severe damage to the pavement. You don’t feel it so much in the truck, but in these same places, while riding on the bus, you rock from side to side, at times feeling as if the bus could roll over. Logically, you know it would not happen so easily, but it is wrong to assume the possibility does not exist. The man driving also had one of his big dogs on his lap, planning to keep her there for the whole trip, a concern I should have been more vocal about, but did not feel I had the right to do so. It was an action I was not able to comprehend, my mind able to visualize any number of potential hazards with a sudden move from the dog on a critical corner. I did offer to take her, but he insisted on keeping her – I kept quiet, trusting in those who have protected me throughout my life.
At the beginning of our journey, as we approached the intersection of our road which connects to the highway leading out of town, I had a sense to look back. Like a scene from a movie, just over my shoulder was Sapphire gliding in from up high until he was level with the truck. Instantly joy fIlled my soul, his blessing clear as he joined me on this journey out of his valley. The strength of his presence eased my worries, allowing me to accept everything would be alright. If you were not aware of his presence, he would go undetected flying so close to the mountain, the slate color of his feathers hard to distinguish against the foliage and rocks. But as he turns to expose the underside of his wings, the flash of light grey, lets you follow his path. I thought of him often on the days I was away, (and on this road trip!) his spirit close, giving me confidence and a sense of security as though I was with him riding the thermals when I did so.
We of course survived the trip there and back without incident, however he did have to pass the dog over to his partner on our return journey. The dog was restless and her position on his lap added an extra element of danger, which was not necessary. It was a great relief when he finally relented and passed the dog over. I had a couple of opportunities to explore Cotacachi with them and found it is quite lovely, more of a home town feel to it. At the one end of town, the smaller market square provides a familiar North American atmosphere with it’s cafe’s and boutiques in small walk through malls. There is a definite South American flare to all you see, the colours, the artistry and the incredible leather craftsmanship surrounding you, filling you with a sense of pride from the people of this culture, even as they cater to those of us who are drawn to their homeland. There are many gringos living here, ex-pats from Canada and the USA, thus able to have some familiarity to their home, while enjoying the culture from here, a nicely balanced environment. For me just a nice place to visit, preferring the mountains, the river and company of my spirit friends.
My hosts were very gracious, thoughtful and easy to be around, making it a much less awkward experience than anticipated. Their kindness gave me comfort although in my quiet or uneasy moments, which are destined to happen, Sapphire’s spirit flew beside me, reminding me of a promise once made. There were many hours spent alone as they kept to their routine, needing their own space as well. It was in these hours, I truly missed my small room, the quiet open space, and the few comforts of my new life. We have the opportunity to learn from every situation we enter, familiar or otherwise, and this was no different for me. Of course, I have always been one to think about my environment as well as the behaviour of those around me as I’m trying to learn more about myself, looking for aspects of my own behaviour which perhaps needs some fine tuning. Learning from many experiences here and the people met, I have realized how much, in the end, we bear certain similarities. I cannot help but wonder how different the world might be if only we could understand that many of our fears also belong to those we are most afraid of. Many of our concerns, hopes, dreams have the same importance to people of every culture worldwide.
Over the days, there was a great deal of talk about the many issues we face, the political nightmare we are in. While I can put my two cents worth into the mix, and of course did, when I was once more on my own, I truly wondered what the point is to spending so much time discussing these issues. Are we all behaving like the armchair referee? Of course I believe we have to be aware, much more so than most of us are, but it seems to me spending endless hours searching for more talks, more commentaries, more justification we are right to be concerned is a waste of my time. To me this is a manipulation of our time, an aspect of control over the way we think and behave, despite how differently we may see it. Being informed is one thing, doing something about it is another. So go ahead get one hundred people in a room discussing “the truth” about what’s really happening in the world, but if you just go home to continue talking about it, never actually do anything to inspire change, then you may as well stay uninformed. I have complete understanding there is much wrong in our world, but have learned I do not require so much time to devour the information. So many things to me are simple, the details distracting us from actually becoming active in a solution, the inspiration of those simple ideas lost in the red tape of planning or just talking. I will continue looking for my own way to inspire change, although my voice is yet quite small, realizing we must all do the same, no matter the issue.
I found myself alone outside many times, although there was nowhere to comfortably sit. Thinking about my son, who told me recently how much he is loving his life right now came to mind. After the very difficult year he has been through, this news is more than enough for me to be happy myself. I said to him, “isn’t it wonderful when you have reason to love life? You see possibilities everywhere, and doubt just melts away”. So sitting here I imagine a hundred people all discussing how much they love their life and what they would do when they went home. Would they too just talk about their evening and all they learned? Or would they make an effort to apply that positive energy to begin a new project, or improve the one they are working on? Personally I would rather be in the room with those who are loving life, than in the room discussing everything wrong with the world having no Immediate way to make a difference.
I am an outside person, preferring the warm sun, the breeze, the incredible environment around me, having spent far too many years being cold in the northern climate. I sat on the step, enjoyed the hummingbirds and the company of the dogs. Once again understanding, I don’t quite fit in, but accepting this is just fine. I was so happy to meet such good, kind people, enjoy time with them and learn a little bit more about myself. In the end, a really good way to spend the weekend.
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