This day meant to make a mother feel special is always a lonely reminder of the continued absence of my family (Lucas being the exception). The day was quiet, there was no big family celebration held here, making it easier to pretend it was just another day. I had received a beautiful card from a dear friend back home, a gesture which was appreciated, her words a reminder there is much to be grateful for. Also her message indicated family can be so much more than those we are born to be with. This has been very true for me, the friendship of those from the little town I so loved living and working in. They are my family in Canada – thinking of our time shared always gives me comfort. I cannot help but smile and sometimes laugh when I think of the many good moments shared with them. Their presence, albeit from long distance, is of great importance.
I had drawn a small picture to give to Maria, an expression of my gratitude for her care of me. To me it seemed such a small gesture, “un pequeno regalo” for her. But she hugged it to her chest and then gave me a big hug, so happy maybe to be thought of by this this crazy stranger. I did not expect anything in return, I just wanted to give her a simple gift. They are kind to me and show respect for my story and therefore my reason for being here. It means a great deal to me that they just let me be in my space, allowing me to heal. I was so glad my small gift gave her happiness.
Maria went to Otavalo on the following day, something she does rarely. So I had a quiet day, a quiet lunch on my own and if I remember correctly spent my time in quiet reflection. Mother’s Day is really the hardest day of the year for me. The silence of my children’s voices is deafening, leaving a hole I cannot seem to fill. Lucas’ message did much to ease the pain, his gratitude for my presence in his life a soothing balm, but still it is difficult not to contemplate a life where all my children are present.
I believe though, as I sit here sharing this story in this way, having no one to talk to about my feelings has helped me to let it all go. I guess we shall see next year when this day rolls around again. But for now, I do feel as though the emptiness is not as great. So progress has been made, a point for silent contemplation and not giving voice to all that does not feel good.
That evening, just as darkness was settling in, I understood Maria had returned, there was a change in the atmosphere. I know it sounds strange, but I could feel a sudden surge of happiness and wondered at the cause. Normally I don’t see the family after my meal unless they come by to do chores. So I was curious because through my closed door I could hear them coming my way. I looked through the window because Mali was barking, and I wanted to stop her. I opened the door to find Maria, Javier and Abel arriving at my door which was indeed a surprise. I invited them in of course and asked how I could help. Maria had been holding her one hand behind her back and now brought it forward to present me with a small gift, one she must have bought while in Otavalo that day.
I was truly shocked, knowing this was a huge gesture for this family who’s income is so very small. Yes I did cry and I hugged her thanking her for her very thoughtful and kind gift. They have told me more than once I am part of their family while I am here, and this to me was an amazing show of their feelings, something I can never forget. It is a fact that any gift, large or small given to me over the years is treasured by me. Cards, letters all relaying positive comments and words of encouragement mean the world to me and travel with me. Every act of kindness shown to me is something I hold onto, marvelling at the idea I am being thought of after so many years of being trampled…… They invited me back to enjoy their night time meal with them, something I do not normally do. I sat there barely able to eat, my feelings a jumble as I realized how incredible this journey has been.
As I lay awake that night, I said my prayers of gratitude for the beautiful and wonderful people in my life. I am fortunate indeed! Looking back on this day and many others, I am a bit confused as to why I slipped into the hole, with so many positive and good things happening. But sometimes it is the small and almost unrecognizable parts of our journey that force us into a place we did not want to revisit. There were other things happening which gave cause for the slide, this I understand, but I am only sorry I was not strong enough to prevent it this time. It can be a roller coaster ride, where the dips are unavoidable, but a wise person once said to me……”It is not that you fall off the track, it is how quickly you get back on the track that is important”. These words have echoed in my mind a great deal over the years, reminding me to pick myself up, smile at the first person you see and offer a kind word. Until now I did not realize how important those moments allowing me to interact with other people got me back on the track quickly. My ability to smile and laugh with pretty much anyone, has been a consistent thread guiding me out of the hole.
One day many years ago when I was still a teenager, I was at work, my first job. Something happened that day, although I cannot remember what it was now, but at that age I am sure it was something devastating . I had to do an errand which took me out of the office and so I was walking down the alley behind the office building, my head down and a frown on my face. There was a man also walking in the alley and as he came close to me, obviously seeing my poor state of mind, he said something like “If you smile, the day will get better”. This too is something that has stuck with me over the years, even though I cannot remember his exact words. A smile in anyones day can be a game changer.
Each day is a gift……
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