I was in my room one evening, drawing, watching an old movie and just enjoying my time. I decided to make myself a sandwich, I did not have much for lunch that day and was a bit hungry. I sat on the bed, and was sliding on my shoes when I noticed movement under the table. I have my suitcases and a couple of boxes under the table and I often worry about spiders hiding behind them, but overall you just have to accept that is how it is here, not much different from home really. Insects are part of our daily life, like it or not.
This movement belonged to something more than a small unobtrusive spider or beetle however and I was facing one of my biggest fears all of a sudden. I could see long black legs curled around the corner of the box, the body hidden by my suitcase, but I definitely understood this was going to be a very large spider. In a flash the memory of long black legs moving up my cheek as a child came flooding back, the legs on the box in the exact same position. I was frozen, panic setting in, but knowing I had to get this spider out of my room or I would lose my mind, the fear beginning to overwhelm me.
I knew I had to do it right away before it found a hiding spot where I would not be able to see it. I grabbed my headlamp and turning it on to look into the dark corners under the table, I was dismayed to realize the battery was dying, the light not very strong. But it was working and allowed me to see the spider which moved further into the shadows as I pulled my backpack away. It was easily as large as the palm of my hand, not as big as a bird spider, but much bigger than I could accept. I went back to sit on the bed, trying to figure out what I could use to capture it and take it outside. I was so scared and my heart was thumping, my mind not really working. But my fear of it being in my room finally won the day and I got up and finding a clear plastic food container about the size of a small sour cream tub, I began to move everything out of the way slowly taking away as many hiding spaces as possible.
Rather than moving away it ran towards me and I jumped up from my crouched position to get back from it. It somehow jumped on my calf which made me scream with fear. I stamped my feet, absolutely horrified that this spider was on my body. It jumped back down and after dancing back and forth went scurrying back under the table. Thankfully once it was against the wall it did not move. I talked to it the whole time explaining I did not want to hurt it, but it could not be in my room, willing it to stay still. Moving slowly armed with my container I moved towards it ready to trap it. I put the tub over it as gently as possible, careful not to crush it’s legs – it had to pull it’s legs up in order to fit inside. Then I slowly pushed the lid under, careful not to allow enough room for it to get out again. My heart was racing at this point, and it took all my inner strength to hold it and carry it outside.
Taking it as far away from my room as I could, almost stepping on a toad in the process, I reached a spot I felt would be a safe distance. My flashlight was not really much help in the darkness outside, there is very little light pollution here. The outside lights had not been turned on yet and there is a lot of brush, tall grass, rocks and sticks on the ground – I was worried I would trip and lose my package, the lid falling off. I opened the lid terrified the spider would jump on me rather than on the ground, so was perhaps not as gentle as I should have been as I let it out, turning to run back to my room as fast as I could. Making sure it was not chasing me as the bird spider had done more than once in my dreams over the years, I closed the door, pushed an old shirt against the space between the floor and the door, and turned on my outside light. I sat on the bed afraid to move, shaking. And then I began to cry. Despite my nervousness, I could not rest until I checked every corner of the bathroom and bedroom. I no longer had an appetite and gave up the idea of making a sandwich, uncomfortable about approaching the table.
I slept with lights on that night, waking up several times, my heart thumping as I looked around the room. It was weeks before I could accept the spider had not returned, but I still shudder each time I think about the possibility. I have not really been the same since this happened, the similarity of my childhood experience suddenly becoming more of a reality. I understood the severity of my reaction only confirmed the truth of what happened all those years ago, but rather than the knowledge giving me comfort, I felt trapped, isolated and so alone as a result. I am quite sure this was a catalyst for my fall into the hole, recognition of the fact not enough to prevent it, unable to stop the slide associated with feeling so helpless. Logically being able to get the spider out of my room should have given me confidence, having this brief show of courage to get the job done. Quite the opposite actually, realizing how terribly afraid I was, and knowing no matter how many times I faced this problem the fear may never go away. This did nothing to comfort me or help me see a successful outcome, the emotional trauma connected to my past was overwhelming.
As the days pass, I feel less connection to the incident, but there is a part of me that just cannot relax. It’s as though my body is aware it must always be ready for a surprise, no matter how much I wish it to be different. That night a part of me understood I will never be “normal”, I will never really fit in anywhere and I began to wonder what the point to all of it was. Where does one go from here? Does it mean anything? Does it matter?
This does not mean I have given up, it is just recognition or acceptance of a life I have not been able to understand – One step at a time, one day at a time…….
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