The girls came to color with me this evening. It was already such a good day because I had messages from two friends back home and I had spent time with all the kids two different times this afternoon. They gathered in my room when Abel asked for help with his english homework and then they played a game with their Pokémon discs (or whatever they are called). This was really wonderful for me as it reminded me of those days after school spent with my children. We would have a snack, watch Tailspin or Duck Tales, color and talk about their day. Sitting here watching these guys play on the floor in my room, laughing and being silly, was like stepping back in time.
It was all in good fun, no one cared about winning or losing. Just simple fun.
After they left, I sat in my room, and enjoyed the feeling of this connection. It was’t long after this, probably. Once they were done their meal, that the girls came to ask if they could paint. Weeks ago I had introduced them to my water color pencils and they are enjoying them as I write. I was drawing with them, working on my beta, one I started back in Canada, but found myself being satisfied just watching them. I have such a feeling of contentment sitting here in silence as they work. I began to wonder what it was that I have been frightened of. Suddenly, as if something has shifted deep inside, I realized in this moment at least, I am not afraid of what the future holds. I think perhaps true freedom depends on not being afraid of what happens next. Although this is something I knew in my mind and repeated to myself over and over during these last weeks, months, I now understand what it is to feel it. There is a quietness about them as they concentrate on their picture, allowing me to absorb what I am feeling, and I didn’t want to lose any aspect of this, which is why I am writing it now. I hear them whispering to each other sometimes as if I will understand what they are saying. Something I guess we all do out of habit.
Sometimes, I am glad I cannot understand them as they talk to each other. As I say this, I am reminded of my music, much of it from far away lands, in languages I don’t know or understand. It makes no difference though, because music has frequency, music has energy. When I listen to the music, I feel it’s energy, allow it to fill me up and carry me away. Sometimes I have to dance to it, it gives me so much joy, the need to express it takes over. Sometimes, I just close my eyes and let it move into my soul, it’s vibrations giving me such peace. It makes no difference that I cannot understand the words, only the intention. It is this way as I listen to the family talk to each other. No matter what’s going on, I sense from the vibrations, they love each other, would do anything for each other, and happiness is at their core. I find this beautiful – I do not need to understand their words to feel the connection.
So my day will come to an end, leaving me with this glorious feeling. I have no idea how I ended up here, but each day I wake up to greet, I find myself gaining perspective, I find myself learning about the importance of life and living it well. If sliding into the hole these last few weeks, helped me get to this moment, then I can only be grateful for the experience, despite how difficult it seemed at the time. What is happening right here, right now, this is what is important in my life – what happens tomorrow is a different story….
I know it’s not necessarily just one thing, or one person, that is responsible for getting us out of our own way – it is a combination of many things oft times that give us reason to move forward. I can’t say, I won’t have anymore bad moments or even days, but I will definitely enjoy the feeling which is filling me my heart to the brim, and relieving me of fear, perhaps for the first time since my childhood.
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