My day started on kind of a sad note, although I could not really explain why. I did not want to go to work, seeming to struggle more and more being around certain people. Lately also I have been doing battle with my thoughts and feelings because there is this overwhelming idea everything I’ve been through was for nothing. Really I’m tired of being nice about it because my whole life seems to have been steered by those who want to be afraid, be told what to think, feel and do. Nothing I have written about or spoke about has really been heard or felt by anyone and this has hit me hard lately, to inspire others at the root of sharing so much personal information. Of late there has been such a strong desire to give up, to let go and just completely stop because I do not want to live in the world being created by so many scared and ignorant people. I’m just so tired, it hurts to be here some days. With so much wrong in our world, in our country, in our lives, where does one begin? How can the damage of so many selfish and disillusioned souls be reconciled?
There has been recent change in certain people, a sort of heaviness, a largeness of being which exceeds their capacity and it has begun to affect my person. The strange heat which was felt at the beginning with the roll out of the injections last year has returned when around some individuals. This creates discomfort physically, but it is the concern over what it means which ties up my thoughts. The worry of this dilemma takes up too much space in my thoughts because I know it’s important. Change is coming, but I fear it is not all good.
It came in as this very quiet wave this morning while once more making the effort to feel comfortable at work. A man (a Hutterite man) came into the store, recognizing me as we said our greetings. He was familiar to me also, but I meet so many people through work, I fear I often get mixed up about when I’ve spoken with them or whether it was just in passing. As we talked, I remembered him more clearly, a conversation last year while working in the thrift store. We were lucky that day to have time to discuss someone in his life who suffered abuse, so there was common ground for an easy conversation between us. He is such a kind, soft spoken and gentle soul who gave me comfort right away that day, enough so we could share such personal information without embarrassment. One of those special occasions which stay in my mind to be revisited from time to time.
To my surprise I learned he was the man who has been doing the binding of my books, well at least some of them, not that there have been many to do. So we talked again for a bit about my book, my history and he just filled me with his kind gentle words of encouragement, love and support. Without meaning to the tears began to fall, words failed me and gratitude filled my soul because of this very special unexpected gift from basically a complete stranger. Because my story is not by any means an isolated one, I feel it is my duty to share this message which was received today.
His message was to me, but I realized even in my fight or flight fog, it is a message for all of us who have been challenged in life. I’m certain I have not got everything he said either in the right order or the exact way he spoke to me. My emotions were very high, yet there was this odd quietness preventing me from expressing the emotion. So much was being given to me through his words, I could not keep them in very good order, but hopefully the intention can be felt. It was as if he needed to say these things as much as I needed to hear them, my feelings of despondency threatening to bury me of late. He thanked me for sharing my story, telling me I was a very strong woman, very brave and courageous for doing so. He said “I love you”, saying he had great respect for my courage and bravery. He just couldn’t imagine going through so much, saying over and over – hang in there, don’t give up, stay strong. I am making a difference, well really, he meant we are all making a difference by telling our stories.
So I bless you with all the kindness which came from him because to hear, when it is least expected, that we are needed and wanted, especially when like me, we were told otherwise for so much of our lives it is of utmost importance. Kindness and love are gifts to be shared! Once more such a great treasure was brought to my feet by the most unexpected messenger on a day when sorrow was filling my heart. Behind the smiles, there is much tragedy with no place for understanding. Hiding the trauma behind the joy is what keeps me from falling back into the pit.
For someone to say I love you in such a clean and pure way with no expectation or desire other than to offer comfort, was truly remarkable to me. Yes, I am quite taken by surprise at those words because I have thought myself certainly unloveable being so broken. My strong thoughts and impressions most difficult to accept simply due to lack of understanding from those who have not experienced my level of loss and sorrow. How can anyone see through the darkness enough to allow me the room to remember what used to be so natural? Loving, being loved was all I knew at one time – trust once came easy, so it’s there but it needs nurturing, care and much patience to grow again.
Please share this message with anyone who is in need.
0 Comments