The only aspect of my dream remembered this morning was being in a tropical country driving on a road which seemed to have been made possible by removing some of the rain forest. Mostly bananas, I think – the ground was covered in green mulch and it appeared to be rather moist, giving the impression we could easily get stuck.
I was in a jeep style vehicle with 3 (maybe 4) other people, I was in the backseat and did not recognize anyone accompanying me, although I seemed to know them well enough. At one point the driver turned to us (in the backseat) asking that we check for the local bees because could cause severe allergy if stung. The last thing I remember before waking was running my fingers through my hair and retrieving a very small greyish spider. Something quite unusual was to not have the normal fear associated with spiders in this moment, rather fascination as I stared at it wondering how it got there. Then I passed it to the person sitting beside me in order to put it outside the vehicle. (Not sure why I did not do this myself, but perhaps there was another person to my left which was not seen in this part of the dream)
One of the aspects of the spider in a spiritual sense, is the knowledge we create our own life, or weave our own path in life. This dream, although there was so much more to it than remembered now, has great significance in relation to everything I am trying to accomplish in my life at present. So many small things have lead me to this inner aha moment, it seems a bit overwhelming yet so simple. In short, without describing all the micro relationships in my world, it comes down to understanding a special message received through the following video. This video came to my attention yesterday morning before leaving for work, something listened to as I prepared to go. Such a beautiful message, simple yet intense because it requires the listener to understand we are the spider – how do we wish to weave our path from this moment forward?
One would think such a beautiful message would lift your spirits, allowing your feet to walk on air with the simple knowledge, yet I was actually in a very grumpy state when I arrived at work. Knowing my state of mind was connected with a difficult relationship with one of the other employees (one who has caused several people to quit in the past) meant working through the process of forgiving and letting go. The message heard less than an hour ago, was ensuring I now dealt with this problem from a new perspective. By late afternoon, there was a definite sense of accomplishment, yet obviously there was still work to be done.
In the past, I have stated in one of my posts, life is like a puzzle. Personally, I love puzzles, the challenge of making something out of nothing. This is also represented in my art as from an empty canvas or sheet of paper life is born and slowly created to its conclusion. For some reason, this has always fascinated me, this process of watching an image grow, so now it seems I can connect this process also to my writing, knowing these three exercises are indeed my way of working through life’s issues to find the source. You may notice, I just said source, not the solution to a problem in all cases, but an understanding perhaps of how we see things, how we learn and grow, understanding allowing us to do so. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
When you first begin a puzzle there is just a big mess in front of you, sort of like a problem you wish to sweep under the carpet and forget about. Organizing the pieces, building the frame, then focusing on color and pattern which allows you to make connections, just as we do in life. We join the dots, we join the pieces to form a picture showing us an aspect of ourselves each time we solve a problem we preferred to ignore. Often I have spoke of the process through my art as a means to pull back an aspect of my shattered spirit in order to receive the full measure of who I was born to be. The process itself, the fear of failure, the joy of success, the need to receive confirmation it’s really true, all part of connecting those puzzle pieces together. Having been taught to not only be a victim, there was the distinct impression lain on me that I was a horrible person, someone to be hidden away from the world so as not to offend anyone. Now my reasons for the need to confirm I did a good job with each image drawn or painted, knowingly comes from seeing what is inside is beautiful, not horrendous as I was led to believe. After so many years though, my fear is that my objectivity is skewed – do I even know what good or beautiful is? So I kept requiring confirmation.
This is why the art was not meant to be profited from as such a commitment actually kept me in a life of dependency. Because it was literally the building of my own self, meant to be remembered through this unique way of retrieval, it was for my inner growth not meant to be seen until it became a complete picture for me to see. Therefore, by forcing me to be out there with the possibility of any amount of failure actually ensured I would keep falling back into the darkness of insecurity, the fight for needed confidence going up and down never getting strong enough to stand firm in my belief of self.
Each image, in other words was a different puzzle piece, joined together to create the lost spirit through the violence and torture endured. This is fascinating to me, as you may well understand, such a incredible journey of self discovery, especially considering I did not know how to draw when the process began. The initial act, one which immediately put me in a vulnerable situation became the crucial act of saving myself. The telling of my story, the same process, the same incredible journey of realizing the truth. What an amazing way to remember what no one else from my past is willing to face! In order for anyone else to see me, I must first see and recognize myself.
So one would think the compliments would have contributed to or encouraged me to see myself in better light, give me more confidence – surprisingly they did the opposite. Doubt, resistance, insecurity, this is what I felt, but why? A life where you have been so well taught to be a victim ensures what you see in the mirror is not what is actually there.
This is something only very recently accepted by myself, a process which began with the decision to not sell my art again, and to keep it to myself until I was ready to hear the truth. When lies are made into truth, when truth become lies we know we are being controlled.
Acceptance of something beautiful hiding under my skin was incredibly difficult to accept, yet the proof was in every image either successfully portrayed or not. For our mistakes or failures do not take away from our beauty, the imperfections necessary because we have the ability to learn from them. Only when we look to place blame somewhere else do those imperfections become something ugly as we choose to not accept the lesson given us. My world taught me only perfection is beautiful, and actually this is the truth we have all been taught to accept. Only vegetables and fruits with no blemishes are acceptable, yet those grown for such outward beauty are less nutritious, less healthy, less fulfilling for our body temple. In the same way, perfection on the outside of humans does not always mean there is perfection or beauty on the inside as most of us have learned, sometimes the hard way.
So this brings me back to my dream and the purpose of this post. The symbiotic relationship between victim and abuser. There was complete understanding this morning as I thought about my spider dream, there is dependency from both in such a relationship to ensure it continues. Both the victim and the abuser need each other in much the same way as they put their puzzle pieces together forming the web of their path at that part of their journey. Once we have understanding of where we are at any given time, we have the option to continue or stop creating the same image of self. As the victim, I began to understand while in Ecuador, the truth about my relationship with Patrick and eventually this enlightened me further to see the pattern of everyone in my life from the time of my capture. Seeing Patrick in a completely different environment, one which displayed more accurately the true nature of each of us, there was understanding I would not continue being his victim. His leaving was only the beginning of what became a very long process of forgiving and letting go of each one of those relationships which turned me into something completely different than who I came here to be.
What bothered me so much as I made my way to work yesterday, was knowing I was still unable to forgive certain people in my life. Forgiveness seems to come easier when the person you are forgiving is no longer in your life, so I had to admit the difficulty of working with and facing this person regularly. Actually there was two people, one being me, maybe the most difficult of all. Yes there must be acknowledgement forgiveness for my own short comings, mistakes and back steps has to occur. I must recognize the patterns needing to be broken in order to step out of one circle of behaviour into another. I must show myself patience in order to fight against the desire to go back into the painful, yet comfortable role of victim until I get stronger.
Seeing such relationships as symbiotic somehow made it clear how this prevents us from forgiving, deepens our need for confirmation this is where we belong, thereby ensuring we do not move forward into a fulfilling relationship with self. I have said in the past I believe we are capable of loving others even if we do not love ourselves, and still believe this to be true. In my mind we all have the ability to love from inception, it unfortunately can be buried due to different circumstances. My thought is that we become more able to love ourselves because we have the innate ability to love others despite how we see ourselves. Like an optical illusion we see who we are as if through a cracked mirror, the body fractured by the glass imperfection which mistakingly perverts our perception especially if seen like this over time. This is what happened to me in a way. Yet I had once been loved, loved back, so after the trauma could still love others, especially my children and pets, but could not allow them to love me. In my mind being loved meant I would be abandoned, hurt, so I pushed it away. This does not mean we cannot feel it, only that we are not comfortable or are frightened by its presence.
Therefore my thoughts this morning helped me see the act of forgiving and letting go actually would allow the commencement of loving myself, then being loved by others. It is through the act of forgiving we begin to clean out the closet of each and every failed relationship, the storing of which prevented us from learning from them. Only then stepping into a new picture ready to be built. The puzzle pieces are scattered on the table, so what surprise awaits us during the process of beginning?
With the act of forgiving the light comes in, which in turn shows us a new path forward. I know all too well how difficult this process is. Each time I feel I have stepped far enough out that way of life, I find myself in another possible victim/ abuser relationship. Recognizing it much sooner now though, has made me aware of my choices and why I make them. Now I choose to spin a new web from a place without fear of what might be lost. My dream was an indication of this new development. Making choices thinking of what new possibilities may arise rather than staying comfortable, now that’s going to be interesting! The abuser too must learn to love self in order to not need domination over another to be fulfilled. Truthfully, they are overcompensating to avoid falling back into the role of victim, believing strength comes from control. In the end it is all about trusting in the love from which we were all born, the Spirit which is all things living in each of us, is part of us and experiencing what we do.
We learn and teach through our experiences as well as being taught through observing someone else’s. Our lack of desire to change the only thing stopping us from losing the fear, then trying something different. So the blame throwers must be abandoned, responsibility must be taken for decisions made which allowed us to stay in our comfort zone. Fear must be challenged as we face leaving what we perceive as the only way, simply because we don’t wish to see otherwise. There really is no right or wrong decision, but I feel we do not live at our true capacity if we don’t try new ways of thinking and doing. How much do we miss due to closing the door before we even see what’s on the other side? But then it is a personal choice, of course we do what we can when we are ready. Goodness knows I lived in fear for many years, although I did keep an open mind and was willing to face my fears always in order to grow. This is why I have shared so many of my experiences, to offer understanding where I am today, did not come easy and the price was great at times. But sacrifice for learning to accept being loved and loving self are necessary in order to break through the barrier of fear. It is the fear which caused the loss in the first place. What is gained from destroying the barrier is why it must happen. Love and joy are on the other side!
This is how I will approach my new puzzle at least. How about you?
0 Comments