We are the sum of our experiences, defined by our choices. We become the person we are because of the challenges life places in front of us , our decisions deciding the outcome of our personality. Not all choices are easy we discover growing out of our breaches, learning independence as the apron strings are severed.
The summer I was leaving my 15th year, I took a job offered by Duncan (my adopted father) at the army base camp near Banff, Alberta. Although at this time I am unable to recall the exact nature of the contract I believe it had something to do with food service. If memory serves me, Duncan had a catering business (he had his fingers in many pies at that time). I was brought to the camp where I would stay for the summer, which when looking back, was not really the best place for a girl of that age, due to the many older transient workers in such a place. It was inevitable I would get involved with some of them. Other than some of the cadets, I was the youngest worker there that year. Kind of sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn’t it?
One such young man who was a few years older than me, in university I believe, took me out a couple of times. At this age I was quite impressionable and he was very handsome and worldly – I had stars in my eyes. Having down up without affection or love, I was hungry for attention and verification I had worth. Of course I would never see him again once the summer was over, but at the time, I wanted to believe in what he was saying.
One night he took me to the falls (can’t remember the name of them) and after walking up some distance, we came to a platform with a balcony where you could enjoy a view of the falls. Innocent enough of course and it was very beautiful especially in the moonlight, something any normal person would enjoy. Even if you were afraid of heights as I was, you could have just remained further back and still enjoyed the view. In truth, until I had this experience, I had not realized the extent of my fear. It was this incident which opened that door, reminding me of something in my past still buried.
I think perhaps my reaction to being in this lovely spot was not normal though. I was terrified, not just of the height, but I was convinced this man was going to push me over the edge – he was going to kill me. I was unable to justify my fear of this idea, where it came from or why I was so sure it was a distinct possibility. None of this mattered because the fear was overwhelming. The romantic moment gone with my moments of panic, something neither one of us could understand. There was no way for me to explain, I was far too shy and uncomfortable with what was happening. My embarrassment completely destroying my confidence, not that I had much of that to begin with.
In my book “Finding Home” which is also posted on this blog, there is a story entitled “Tree Top Drop”, where I talk about my extreme fear of heights and the reason for this fear. Being witness to someone being pushed from a plane to their death at such a young age had it’s influence on this evening. I feel I can now say with certainty. The childhood memory was at that time not close enough to the surface of my mind to help me understand the terrifying thoughts of being pushed to my death, but I was still able feel the possible reality. My experience as a child defined this moment, what should have been a normal and enjoyable teenage experience, as one of fear, one of embarrassment.
Decisions are not always clear and easy to make as we all learn over the years, but for myself I continue to strive for honesty, the path of the heart. Sometimes I question still my reasons for being here, wonder at the continued lapse in progress. Every day I pray for a sign because in my fragile state of mind I am aware that I need continuous encouragement, consecutive events showing me the way I am seeking is the correct one. I begin to feel there is somewhat of a breakthrough, one I will keep to myself for the time being, until I have more strength in my conviction.
My decision to stay here, to rest and heal, did not come easily. I cannot look too far into my future or the panic sets in, my uncertainty of my ability to choose wisely slaps me in the face. I still do not have all the answers, nor do I have surety I will attain my goal, but my decision to remain here stands. Patrick abandoned me, abandoned our plans for the book and left me to find my own way. Perhaps this was how it should have been to begin with, but decisions were made for what I believed was a common goal. Our choices defining us both.
I watched for the second time the movie “Che” parts I and II last week. The first time I watched it, over a year age, it was more of an emotional experience, one of discovery as I learned about the man I had no previous knowledge of. This time, while it was still an emotional experience, I found myself being captivated by his unwavering conviction and believe in what he wanted to achieve. Unlike me, he never doubted for even a fraction of a second, in his ability to accomplish his goal, even as he faced death. While we all may not be able to understand this man, his reasons or his actions, his strength of conviction is undeniable. He could not be bought at any price. I am trying to learn from him, from his spirit, from the people here who love him, honour his life.
As we look for answers, no matter the path we are on, we grow, we learn, and we find the depth of our personality, our character. Most days it is difficult for me to see I can make a difference to anyone’s life, but then I wonder if that really matters anyway. I continue to look for hearts on the road, my road, my path of the heart…..
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