When I was going through the “Dark Night of the Soul” it was weeks before I spoke to anyone and my time alone was not always easy. Emotions went up and down, and I found myself dealing with anger which was very deep seeded. I was unable to run during this time because of my tooth abscessing, so my usual stress relief practice was unavailable to me. I also tried to remember my tai chi lessons, but I couldn’t bring it up in my mind, only scattered moves that wouldn’t fit together.
I was very grateful to be in this place which gave me the space to fall apart. Much of what I was going through was related to a situation where first one promise, then another and another were broken, bringing back a life time of broken promises. One Sunday afternoon, the person who had broken those promises came to see me. I saw her coming and decided I was too angry with her; I did not wish to see her. I went into my room and closed the door hoping she would leave me alone. She did not.
I put my headphones on and waited as she knocked on my door to give up and go away. Then I saw her face in my window as she pulled back the curtain. She was taking to me in spanish of course as she does not know English. We normally communicate with the translator, so it was easy for me to say I didn’t understand. She wouldn’t give up, insisting I listen to her, but I didn’t want to hear anymore of her stories. I began to cry with frustration as she was putting her hand in the window trying to show me something. It was for me, her friend made it for me. I was able to catch some words, but could not make sense of what she was trying to tell me. So finally after about 20 minutes of her insistent chatter, I opened the door for her to come in and explain as we reached for my ipad.
In her hand was a silver ring. She was very excited to explain what her friend made for me. Because she had heard parts of my story she believed me to be very brave to come here to write my book. She also had been told my children were not in my life, and mother’s day had just passed, something she felt must have been very hard for me; she felt I have great courage. This ring was given to express her admiration for my journey.
I cried upon receiving this gift which had nothing to do with promises broken, and more promises to come. I cried because someone I have never met, did not know, made and gave me this beautiful gift. I cried because the woman who made it saw something in me which I cannot see in myself. I cried because after weeks of feeling so isolated and alone, I found I was not alone after all, even if I could not see or hear them. I cried for myself, my doubt, my loss and my fear.
After she left, I went to sit by the river to think about what had just happened, and what it meant. It is easy to have faith in that which is certain, things we can prove. To believe in what we cannot see is another matter. I now have an object which I wear reminding me not to give up on myself. There is someone here who believes without proof, without seeing. I could only be honoured by her faith and trust in my story.
A few days later I read a quote, one that resonated deep inside me. I felt the words, did not just say them, but felt them as if I had heard them from the man himself. Such a simple idea, but one I realized I had to live by in order to find strength in myself. It was perfect this small sentence showing me my deeds did not match my words in this situation with all the broken promises. I kept saying I could do no more, as I reached into my bag and gave my last penny to this person, putting myself in a difficult position. If I was to expect others to respect me, first I had to respect myself and that starts by following this one rule. I give without thought to what happens to me, their needs more important than mine far too often. This had to change, and for reasons I cannot explain this quote seemed to catapult me out of my dark hole into the light once more. His voice clear in my mind, felt in my heart, a memory imbedded in my subconscious waiting to heard once more.
“Words that do no match deeds are not important” Che Guevara
I also realized that most of us would do almost anything to survive. it is human nature to want to live. Is it because we are afraid to die? Do we feel we have something important which needs to be accomplished? There are those who would do anything to continue their bloodline, there is a strong motivation to survive for our children, our family, or maybe just our desire to fight back and win this round. This person, I felt was doing what she had to in order to survive, to keep her business going, to not lose for the sake of her family who was depending on her. As I sat there watching the water crash against the rocks, my anger dissipated. We have all been in difficult positions where trusting in what we can’t see becomes our means of survival. What might be around the corner is what gives us hope and hope is a gift allowing us to survive. If my small gesture of a helping hand was enough to keep the wolf from the door, I am not sorry for giving what I had, but the point is I must be true to my word.
I fall down almost everyday, and this may never change, but the ring is a symbol of hope, a surprise that came around the corner to meet me, help me get up and take another step……… or two.
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