What does it mean to lose everything? I have pondered over this statement quite a bit lately. My first instinct was it had to do with personal possessions, which may be exactly what it means. But I have a feeling it is deeper than that.
As I went through my dark night of the soul, I began to think perhaps it meant losing all you thought you are, becoming empty so you could see something about yourself that was not visible before. So I had to ask myself – “Who am I”? Really, on a deeper level who am I? Take away the labels, so I am not an artist, not a waitress, not a clerk in a store, not a floral designer in training. I do not have a religious affiliation, nor a political one, I am not rich or poor or anything in between. Who am I when you just look at me for the first time, knowing nothing about me. We have not been introduced, not even said a greeting, I am just someone you saw on the street one day, stopping for a moment to wonder.
How much of what we see in a person is based on what we know about them? Where they live, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, the church they go to, what they eat, etc., etc. Do we judge others without meaning to based on this knowledge? Do we judge ourselves unfairly for the same reasons without realizing it?
Maria is a caretaker of the hostel where I am staying. But who is she really? What are her hopes and dreams? Does she believe she will get the chance to fulfill those dreams? I have not asked her, it seems too personal somehow, but I know the day I introduced the idea of doing the beadwork, a light went on and her excitement was obvious. So perhaps being a caretaker is only what she must do to survive. But I think maybe we may have found her passion….
This is a woman who lives on the property for free, has meals provided, as long as they can afford to buy the food, and makes a whopping $3.33/day. In whose world is just under $100.00 a month an acceptable wage, even with the lodgings thrown in? And I thought $10.00/day to pick coffee was bad!!! She is expected to remain on the property 7 days a week, and there is much manual labour involved. Her husband who also works on the property, helping her, does not get a wage. I so much want to do something to help, but I am not a rich person and my time here is limited by that problem. I had hoped the book would provide a way to help, but this is proving to be more difficult than I’d hoped.
Over the next few days, I thought about things. Again the question: “What does it mean to give up everything?” I haven’t got much left in the possession department – 3.5 trunks and 2 suitcases hold my entire worldly possessions. Connected to this question is yet another one. Who am I……really? What is my purpose here? I can’t really answer either one. When I look at Maria as she studies the videos online to get ideas (I think she has been watching them in her sleep, she is so eager), I wonder also if she knows who she is, what her full potential is. Maybe when you live in a world that keeps you so low to the ground, these are not thoughts you allow yourself.
So out of my tickle trunk came all my suncatchers made so many years ago, to show Maria and Javier one night when they stopped by to give me some fresh picked mandarins. They were all carefully wrapped in the mug rugs a friend had made for me, something else I wanted along with me. They were excited about the mug rugs, thinking this was what I wanted to show them, but when they saw what was tucked between them, Maria nearly jumped for joy. I could tell she was imagining what she could make if only she had the tools. So I provided them, gave her pretty much everything in my tickle trunk which was bead related, holding back a few things for myself.
I brought everything over the next day after my meal, and we spread it all on the table to get started. Maria had been studying all night I am sure, so she had many ideas already – she didn’t wait for the starting gun lol!!! She chose her beads and off she went, needing very little from me. Abel and Javier joined in also, quick to put together their ideas. I showed Abel how to make earrings, and he immediately made 2 more pairs. After a few hours, I had had enough, not needing to quench my thirst as they so obviously did. After all I have had many years to play in this field.
The next day when I went for my meal, Maria proudly displayed all they had accomplished since my departure.
I sat watching her as she worked, so pleased to see her enjoy herself. A door had opened and she was not a cook, cleaner, or gardener- she was creating, filling her soul with the joy which comes from this act. I left everything with her (minus my small stash), content it had found a good home and all the contents would be put to good use. Abel wanted to make macrame bracelets, so we began to plan a trip to Otavalo for supplies. What is Maria’s potential? I believe she has much potential and also hope she will find a way to make a bit of extra money selling her designs. The competition is stiff here, so many people doing this, but there is always hope is there not?
So as my tickle trunk slowly empties, and my possessions diminish somewhat, I again ponder – what does it mean to lose everything? In this process, am I losing who I thought I was? Is this why I am here in this secluded place, spending so much of my time alone with only my thoughts to keep me company? I think, maybe so…..
There seems to be a great deal of importance to most of us to label ourselves. We are a lawyer, we are liberal, we are white, we are Irish, African , Native American, Catholic and so on. Who are we without those labels? Would we perceive the world, and people differently if we did not label ourselves so?
I have begun to wonder over the weeks what would happen if we stopped identifying ourselves in this way. What if the color of your skin was not important, your place of origin did not identify your personality, and what you did for a living was not as important as how you treated your neighbor. I must also say, I don’t mean names, when I say labels. Names are important for all things, but when we label certain things, we put them in a box, which can later influence another persons impressions. For instance a dandelion is a herb, a flower, but to most it is a weed meant to be exterminated. But the dandelion has so many benefits. By labeling the dandelion as a pest, we forever change it’s place in the world. It’s name is not the problem, it is the labels we attach to it. Personally, I love dandelions, they have a beautiful face!
I am saddened by our need to categorize people, placing them in a slot based on where they live, how they dress, or what kind of car they drive. I grew up with a family that placed themselves above others because they lived in what was considered an upper middle class neighbourhood, had a Porsche 911, a jaguar, and a mercedes in the driveway and bought expensive clothes from exclusive boutiques. Only the best for everyone (well, not me). I found all of these outward signs of importance a complete farce. I shopped at the discount stores, lived in a very modest home and drove a Volvo. My decisions practical, sensible and probably very ordinary in their minds.
The family treated me differently because of my choices, showing me no respect as a person, based on my inability to conform to their ideas of “what’s important in life”. My ideas were not considered important, my thoughts not worth hearing, all because I preferred a simpler lifestyle. I began to see myself as being less of a person, afraid to speak, share myself, their labels forming a box around me. This blog has opened a door for me, I am beginning to share more of my true self, like it or leave it. So again I contemplate the idea, losing everything is more of an internal clear-out.
Is Maria treated thus as well, because of her station in life, her home, her income, her lack of education? Yes I believe so. However, by doing this we may likely miss the intelligent, creative and honourable person she is by placing her in a certain category – labeling her, not giving her the room needed to expand her reality. I think I still have much to learn in order to be a better person as I look around me seeing this world, so different from the one I left.
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